Bella-Preface

wow that was inspirring. it aws very good and i mean good. what i say is what i mean. anyone that says that it was horrible tell them to come see me bcause it is awesome. i am writing a book and it is way better than what i am writing.you should get a ton of points for that. i mean a ton. again that was great. even more than great i mean awesome!!!!!

Still with restful eyes, she rolled over onto her back.--- If she was still why would she roll on her back? Or tried to anyway, for she rolled right into her sleeping brother.-- I would get rid of the, "for" try this instead : She tried to anyway, but instead she rolled onto her brother, pan-caking him to the ground.[s]She jumped up to stand upright upon her paws [/s] -- How else would she stand?, this is a bit redundant. -- also you could use a different word than jumped, maybe, " she sprang on her paws."[s]as she heard his frustrated growl rumble within his chest.[/s] “Bella,” He groaned. She watched carefully as he stretched out his forelegs and dug his black claws into the earth absently. [s]Assured by his physical actions that he was not in the mood to fight her, she shook out her thick ebony fur.[/s] You describe him as barely awake, why would he even want to fight?She then flared out her nostrils, checking for any new scents that may have appeared during the night. Her ears peaked skyward as she suddenly heard the faint sounds of racing paws. Her muscles tensed and she lowered herself to the ground. “Elizor,” she whispered to her brother, “do you hear?” She watched as he raised his head, [s]still drearily with sleep.[/s] No! still drearily? Kathrine! ugh *shakes head* you mean, "that barely had the strength to lift itself."But his body suddenly became stiff, and his ears swiveled, now alert. After a few tense moments, he dropped his tan furred ears.

[s]“Ah, Bella, calm my sister. It is merely Father with the pack. Though, as to why their speed is so great I do not understand as of yet. Still, no fear. They are no threat to us.” Elizor words were filled with his all knowing over confidence. [/s] -- Elizor is talking pretty well for someone who is barely awake, almost like an englishman, that really doesn't fit in with the lion/tiger speak, just saying...

She exhaled with relief at his words. Though, she did not relax her position. [s]May that it be[/s] ???uncommon-- "although unusual and very rare", -- This sounds a little better her twin had made mistakes in the past. His self-assured knowledge getting him into to trouble was not unheard of. His blind right eye being a [s]intimate[/s] -- Use constant instead reminder of his youthful travels. None the less, why was the pack racing toward them? They had just left the pack not two days ago, [s]being of age to leave the pack and create one of their own[/s]. -- What? She herself had recently resolved to leaving her brother this very morning. As she was contemplating this in her mind, a sudden, surprising howl echoed in the trees. The howl was one indicating a threat. Not a threat in means of the pack to her and her brother, but that something was dangerous near them. ‘That must be why the raced!’[/i]-- thoughts should be italisized, i put them in for you. she thought. [i]‘They need help.’ -- again, italisize [s]Elizor must have reached the same conclusion, for he jumped up, and they both flung themselves forward, the trees rushing past them in a blur. [/s] Whoa whoa whoa! way too fast here. They flung themselves? maybe you should describe this more and change the word choices a little. Maybe you should describe how bella practically tore her brother from his sleep to run away with her? Maybe have the other pack gain up on them, but then have them get away? You can do many things here than just say they ran away in a blur...

They both suddenly skidded to a stop as a loud, unfamiliar, and painful sound rocketed through the wood. They -- needed a y then heard a heart wrenching screech. They both knew that voice more than any other. Veronica, [s]none other then the mother of the pack,[/s]try, "who was the mother of the pack." had howled out in [s]pain[/s] -- agony. [s]Without true conscious thought, brother and sister[/s] Head/Wall were flying once more through the thick underbrush. Almost immediately, they came out into a vast clearing. And what they saw burned their eyes from within. Strange two legged creatures, sitting upon multi-colored equines, were chasing their family. The odd looking creatures seemed to have black extensions on their chests. More loud noises issued from the unexplainable elongations, forcing the twins to press their audits to their skulls. But that did not block out the screams of their siblings and father. Bella flung herself out into the clearing, with the only goal of removing and killing a foul best upon the chestnut equines back. She knew not of her brother anymore, for she was focused on her prey. Her ivory fangs were bared wide and her black fur stood on end as she raced toward the monster.

Ok, cliff hanger...

Anyway, Kathrine, you have so many chances for action and so many chances for description but i feel as though you don't use them. This could really turn into something and i can feel that. I was being a little harsh, and i know that, I just want it to be better and all that it can be. You need to brush up on some of your dialogue and the way you make the characters speak, bella is ok but Elizor talks as though he is a profound, intelligent Englishman. Tip: Try to get into the characters mind, don't just write it, live it. I want to hear, feel, and witness for myself every excruciating detail. What was on their minds when these things happened? what did they feel? why did they feel it? I want to see bella turn from sweet into a ravage beast when her family is in danger.

you can do it Kathrine, Put yourself into the story.


There were some good parts too.

This story is teeming with adventure, you just have to find it!


all the best


---Jon---


P.S. -- Try to space out those mamoth paragraphs, they are very hard to read and They also make the reader not want to read as much.