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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi KatherineHope!
I see you're new here to YWS, so welcome! I hope you love it here as much as we all do, and stick around!
This poem is really cute! I love the rhyme pattern, which gives it a sort of sing-song quality, and how you kind of hit all the fun little parts of Christmas day. Like Ellie said, it makes me excited to spend Christmas with my own family!
The one thing I think could really improve it, though, is the poems rhythm. Take the first stanza, for example:
Reading it out loud, you can feel the sing-song rhythm to it. Each line flows into the next and they all fit together in a sort of pattern. Adding a 'but' between 'comes' and 'once' in the first line, as well as changing 'they' to 'and' in the last line might make it a tad more solid, but it's pretty great as it is!
As the poem progresses, however, we start to lose this rhythm a little bit. If you read it out loud, you can see what I mean. Your speaking rhythm doesn't flow throughout the whole of each stanza, and you have to keep readjusting yourself to keep a rhythm. This can be easily fixed by just rewording lines so that they match the same rhythm pattern (and reading it out loud makes it really easy to tell if you're getting there or not!).
Also, as Ellie mentioned, seeing a bit more imagery and atmosphere could really improve the poem as well! It all depends on the type of poem you're trying to write, of course. If you're looking to have a cute sing-song-y little poem then I think you're well on the right track! But if you're looking for something with more depth than that, then working in some nice atmospheric imagery will really help.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem and can't wait to see more from you!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
Dear Katherinehope,
Super sweet poem! Kinda something you would want in a children's book! Your poem had some very awesome moments where the flow was magical and the rhyming scheme was on point. My only suggestions are to focus more on the sensations of christmas. What are the smells? sights? touches? sounds? Also, a rhyme is also nice, but sometimes if you just work within the syllables it works just as well! Have a happy holiday! Amazing work!
Hi, thanks for the suggestions. I think that your absolutely right on what I need to focus on. Have a happy holiday too!
Hi Katherine!
I see you're new here; welcome to YWS! I really hope you're enjoying it and you decide to stick around.
Anyway, this is such a cute poem. Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year, and reading your poem made me more excited to celebrate it with my family in a little less than a week.
Anyway, I think the biggest thing you could do to improve this is expand on your imagery and atmosphere. Right now the images that come to mind are kind of basic, and I don't think the poem has it's full effect right now. You talk about cookies and milk; what kind of cookies? What do they smell like? Are they on a fancy plate, or a simple one? What kind of light is there in the house? Is the family singing christmas carols? Is there fresh snow outside? The scent of cinnamon rolls wafting from the kitchen when the children get up? Really make me experience your poem to its full effect instead of just glossing over it.
I hope this helps! Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions.
Hi, thanks for the welcome I'm enjoying it a lot. I think your right about expanding on the imagery and atmosphere thanks for your help.
Merry Christmas!