where do i go from here?
because let's be serious, i've never had any reason to move my lil tush before.
always been pushhhhed along.. juts riding the current that is life.
the best thing would be to swim forward, because to swim back against the current is useless..
can't get back lost time.
i can move to the side, and stop.
but where's the fun in that?
no no, it's better to move forward. turning around to look at what's past will only leave me blind to the obstacles that lie ahead.
but instead of coasting and being carried, i can bring myself to a new place and choose my direction.
no more random floating for me, no sir.
i'll swim myself down life at my own discretion.
and i'll make it far and i'll only go where i want to.
and it'll be a nice change from being carried.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Be more precise next time in using words to describe what you want to describe. Be formal in every writing because writing is a formal way of expressing ones though and idea. IMPROVE!
I liked this... great poem! Keep writing, just watch the I's. I know, they are easy to forget, I used to i all the time. Keep on writing!
Hello, Card Dragon here.
Well your poem is not as interesting. It is just a bit dull, but it has a point :
You can not stop the flow of life.
Back to it being boring you could use words that stick up at you.
Take this Phrase from "After Class" by JasmineBells,
Still, the poem was good and this only a suggestion.
I found just a few nit-picks. It's not too bad. I think it's good for a short little poem.
They were mostly problems with capitalizing. Lucky
~Ladypurple.
Hey katherine,
This was a decent internal monologue type piece, but the metaphors you've used are so familiar it's boring -- swimming back, lost time, coasting, floating, obstacles ... there's not a lot there. If your language was a bit more inventine, there might be something good here. Furthermore, your structure hasn't had a lot of thought put into it and comes across quite shambolically.
This would make an interesting blog post, and I congratulate you on the message it carries, about moving onwards. But it's just not poetry material at the moment, because there's nothing new here to see.
I like this poem. It's really cool and it sort of reminds me of my life. I think it could get much better.
Actually not perfect but good for a start......Keep working!
Hello there
I think there is more you could have done with this. There was a lot of contradiction with your points.
This line especially. You asked a question "what do I do with myself?" I was hoping you would show elements throughout the poem that you did not really have a direct clear answer and you were confused, this line answers your question and the poem is over. I know that you tried to put it in such a way that you know the answer but that's not what you want, it's not convincing.
Another thing is the fact that you did not capitalise anything and your structure was just off. If I could read this without knowing it was a poem, this would sound like an entry into a diary and not a poem. My strong suggestion would be to revise the topic again because it's quite a great idea. Make me believe what your title says. Also, cut the longer lines a little bit and rearrange the structure a little bit. I would take this structure as a poetic gesture meaning that you really don't know what to do, but the contents are dry.
Keep writing