Budding in sunlight an orchid so small,
A flower of most radiant fragrance.
The beauty and essence one could recall;
The enchantment, the desire, the trance!
The quiet passion of agony sings
When at last the flower is fully bloomed.
The loss of it's youth, what pleasure it brings!
Silent plea for tending; to be consumed.
Enveloped in warmth, down in the valley.
Then soft rain trickles over it's petals,
and sunlight seeps in; the grand finale.
Once rustling winds now begin to settle.
And so it is, that an orchid so fair,
Was given to light, to warmth, to be shared.
This was co-written by myself and my friends, Tori Gravel and Katie Blackburn.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey! I think everyone else took all my nitpicks, so I'll just stick to the positives. I really liked your poem! It was cute, and simple yet meaningful. I like poems like this. They are beautiful without using too many words. Wonderful job! Keep writing!
--Dreamy
thanks so much for your reviews! i agree there are parts to this that could use work, but i'm also going to have to say that the reason you don't understand certain sections is because they're way past you're.. experience. i apologize i should have given this an age rating.
Better word choice (to get rid of the filler words) could really enhance this poem. This poem made me think of The Outsiders (you know, silence is golden, stay golden Ponyboy thing) and how losing your youth can be a good thing and a bad thing too. Your poem helps to contrast different opinions, and I give you a thumbs up.
"Small" is a filler word that means nothing and it just cheapens the imagery that you are trying to portray. Replace it with something that actually accentuates the impact of the diminutive or don't include it at all. Right now, it just looks ugly as a useless word.
You're trying exceptionally hard to match ten syllables and it's painfully showing. Why "so" small or "most" radiant? These are juvenile adjectives that don't do anything for the reader and certainly don't bolster the literary quality of the poem.
How can fragrance be radiant? The imagery doesn't work, no matter how far the reader stretches the imagination. Radiance has to do with sight, fragrance to do with smell. Even if you intended for the juxtaposition, it does not look so and you should do it with more emphasis on why you did so. If it was just a mistake over imagery parallelism, then fix it immediately.
I count nine syllables in the second line above. Aren't there supposed to be ten?
Quiet? Passion? Agony? You've just created a triple confusion by connecting together words that make no sense when together. Again, there's only so far that the reader's mind can reach without going over the cliffs of disbelief, and you're dangerously reaching that point. Relevance in imagery is the key, use it.
For you to say that it's a "grand finale", the reader would expect a reference to some sort of...dramatic production? Musical production? Your choice of words suggests an impact that is far beyond what you've included, so change that line about grand finales or add something in the previous section of the poem that actually has to do with an event - an epic event in rich scope - leading to such a finale.
Why the indents? It doesn't make sense.
Overall, the only thing I see is imagery and more imagery. Theme needs to be present in poetry for the most part, and your word choice is making the meaning of this poem soggy and really clouding it, so that should be one of your first priorities.
Hope that helped.