Young Writers Society

Hi Katherine3laine,

This is a little too short. Short poems can work, but only if every word has the appropriate punch and gravitas to really leave an impact in the reader's mind. This (currently) doesn't have that. You've got an idea, but you haven't really delved into its potential yet. You've laid the groundwork of some potential analogies and metaphors (leaves, autumn, secrets) but you haven't done enough to engage the reader in what you're trying to say yet.

I found some of your language confusing, too. Do leaves ever really snake between bricks? It's an odd verb to use, and while I commend trying a unique usage, I didn't really understand what you meant. Perhaps you wanted to tie in the idea of secrets and snakes and lies and the idea of serpents being historically pernicious and wicked. I don't know, but it didn't work for me. Because I just can't work out how rusting leaves really snake between bricks. Unless we're talking about ivy? But you haven't mentioned ivy. You should mention ivy if you mean ivy. It's always better to be specific than vague in poetry (unless you have a good reason to be vague).

Here's an example, then, of how your first two lines could be instead:

The coming autumn rusts the ivy
snaking between the copper bricks.

I've tried to make your first line more active rather than passive (and therefore has more punch). I changed the tense a little and threw in a little adjective for the bricks. This helps tie an image of "rust" and "copper" with the reader, along with an image of snaking ivy. This sets you up for the rest of a good poem about secrets in a house behind the ivy. I'm not saying my two lines are brilliant but just showing you how you could revise this poem into something a lot more. This is how poetry revision can work: by analysing every word you've used, how you've used it, why you've used it, and what can be done to improve it.

Good luck.

Hey, Katherine! I'm Rosie.

This is a cool piece. It's shorter than most of the poetry works that I read around here, but it's still interesting and charming. Nice work!

My favorite part of this piece is the last two lines.

"...each with its own path, all with a common agenda:
cover the house, keep its secrets."

I love reading pieces that make me stop for a moment and think. The way you wrote about the vines all having their own paths yet still uniting to keep the house's secrets definitely has depth to it and could be compared to a plethora of circumstances.

I don't claim to be an expert on poetry; it's not my forte, by any means. Still, I'm going to offer a few suggestions concerning how this poem is organized. At the moment, I don't feel that it's set up in a way that accentuates its awesomeness to its fullest potential.

"Leaves,
rustling for the coming autumn, (Did you mean "rustling" instead of "rusting?")
snake between bricks,
covering windows,
choking the mortar crumbling between bricks.

Each vine meets and separates,
each with its own path,
all with a common agenda.

Cover the house.
Keep its secrets."


When I'm writing a short story and I want to emphasize a certain sentence, I usually set that sentence apart from the rest of my work by either making sure that the sentence is slightly bare compared to the rest of the paragraph or by giving it its own paragraph. I'm going to cook up an example to show you what I mean.

Here's what my (fictitious) work is like before I edit it:

"When I stepped into the kitchen, I knew that something was horribly wrong. Tomato sauce splattered the counters, splashed over heaps of celery stalks and mounds of wilted lettuce. When I inhaled, nausea overcame me and I nearly keeled over. The tomato sauce wasn't tomato sauce at all."

Now, here's one way I could edit it:

"When I stepped into the kitchen, I knew that something was horribly wrong. Tomato sauce splattered the counters, splashed over heaps of celery stalks and mounds of wilted lettuce; when I inhaled, nausea overcame me and I nearly keeled over. It wasn't tomato sauce."

Or:

"When I stepped into the kitchen, I knew that something was horribly wrong. Tomato sauce splattered the counters, splashed over heaps of celery stalks and mounds of wilted lettuce. When I inhaled, nausea overcame me and I nearly keeled over.

The tomato sauce wasn't tomato sauce."

My example is imperfect, but I think it serves its purpose. When a portion of your work has the potential to be powerful, sometimes the best course of action is to set it apart from the rest of your piece. Making sure that your work is clean and polished is one of the best ways to make sure it shines.

Remember, my suggestions are just those: suggestions. They are my opinions. If you disagree with them, disregard them. At the end of the day, your opinion concerning your work is paramount. Do not sacrifice it for anything or anyone.

Always keep writing! If you ever need anything reviewed, feel free to let me know.

-Rosie