Young Writers Society

Katherine,

It's good to meet you, I'm Audy and I'll be taking a look at this poem of yours today. Overall, I felt it is a pretty simple idea that is often over-used to the point that it is almost cliche - that is, the idea that rain expresses a sort of sadness and mirrors the act of a human crying. The power of this idea comes from our way of needing to personify nature - you'll often hear that the wind "whispers" through the flowering fields that is to say, very much like how a human would whisper to a lover for instance. The same idea is expressed here, the sky would grieve, the same way like how we would mourn for a love one. Keep in mind, it is not a new idea. So, how do you turn something old and make it into a new idea? We'll get to that in a second.

Technical

Some of your previous reviewers have covered it- mostly that your lines don't have much consistency. Part of that is because of the rigidity with how you started, "I knew it would be raining / when I stepped outside today" you develop a steady cadence here, a smooth rhythm with seven syllables each.

Now, this cadence gets thrown out the window in the next line, and then you go back to it, and then you just break it apart completely. I appreciate your experimentation with words though, I appreciate how you take things like sobbing / mourning / wailing -> mostly in poetry, this is a no go because you have three words that mean the exact same thing, and poetry is all about precision. We want the least amount of words to provide the biggest amount of punch - it's just like how the world works, like how economy works - the smaller the material/intake and the bigger the reaction - then the more the worth and value to it.

BUT - when I see things like above where you have the sobbing/mourning/wailing - I usually nod my head in approval - not because it makes your poem stronger, but because I acknowledge why you made the choice to include those words, because you're experimenting with sounds and those -ing sounds are irresistable, and you're experimenting with form, and the way you've placed them on their own lines like that and you're using this to propel momentum - see, that's what I'm talking about. You're crafting the piece here - you're experimenting with sounds and forms, and that's a good thing in my book. I encourage all kinds of experimentation, because it's only by experimenting and trying what works and what doesn't work and then seeing why it doesn't or what happens when you do this - what effect do you create - it's only by doing this that you improve, and with each piece get better and better.

So, the question becomes. How do I take an old idea and make it new? We've established that you've experimented with sounds and rhythms and words - now the next step for you: try experimenting with image. Expand upon the image. The image is the central and most integral element of a powerful poem - just like in prose, where the scene makes up the story and holds all the characters and emotions and settings - so the image makes up a poem.

Here, you're talking about sadness and you're connecting it with rain - but take it further than that - how does sadness feel like? What is the texture like? Is sadness rough like the bark on a tree? Is it actually smooth like caramel syrup, enough to seep into you and leave you bitter? This is where the poetry lies.

I hope this review helps. Let me know if you ever do decide to play around with image, or if you just want to chat this up and discuss in greater depth.

~ as always, Audy

Hello darling!
Here to review

I didn’t know it would be crying,

Every raindrop-teardrop-released an inexpressible sadness,
condensed to a rainstorm.

Dark clouds,
turbulent winds.
Choked clouds,
screaming winds.

It all creates a claustrophobia, inescapable-<<this feels unfinished>>
rain, pressing downward, wind sweeping toward the sky.

Oops, didn't mean to post that as a reply!

Hello

When reading this poem, I continue to question the connection between the rain and your sadness, which is something that you do not expand on here. I feel like you're doing a lot of telling and not showing, and if you were to perhaps descend deeper into the sadness that you describe and pick it apart your poem would potentially be much more potent. Once you can establish a connection between yourself and your audience (by explaining why your speaker is sad, and what reason he has to compare his sadness to a rainstorm) you can turn this into something magnificent.

I'm also not a real fan of the way that you broke up the lines here. Short lines in general are not a bad thing, but when they are sometimes broken apart by much longer lines in between, reading this becomes exhausting. You need to write your poem the way you would like your readers to read it.

Keep up the great writing!
-Alex

The overwhelming problem you've got it is lack of meter. Your lines seem to have arbitrary length and no consideration for how your poem reads. I recommend reading this out loud to yourself, so you can see what I mean.

I'm not sure what you mean by "Every raindrop-/teardrop-/released an inexpressible sadness condensed to a rainstorm." Read that again and think about what you're trying to say.

The list of types of clouds and winds is useless and you don't need it. I genuinely think it would be better if it read:

Dark turbulent screaming choking

The imagery in this poem is wonderful. I love your word choice, it's genius. I found it way too short though. I wanted to read more. The only thing I see is there are some comma splices, which I'm terrible at as well, and the formatting. I've been nagged about my formatting, so I understand. I'm sure you did yours on purpose, and I love the one to two word lines. The long lines kind of stop the flow though. Or it may be just me. Other wise this an amazing piece of work and I look forward to read more from you.
~Always,
Angelmarie.