Hi Harry,
Mailice here with a short review!
So, your previous parts never had a release age of 16, now I'm a little confused. What do you do with the readers who have read through everything so far and are under 16?
I'm glad we have our focus on the other group in this chapter and finally see Evelyn again. I find her very interesting as a character and also more "mature" than Harry and Rose. I strongly assume that Evelyn is a bit older and more grown up and therefore uses rather different methods to show her will. I thought that was good in this part; you could really see that she was furious. I haven't read that from her before. I think that shows quite well here too:
“You said it would take HOURS, now why did it suddenly become DAYS!!”
Evelyn is fast-paced and has little patience. You express it well with the capitalisation and the comparison she makes here.
I also thought it was clear to see that she is more grown up than Harry and Rose (yes, now I've made a mind game) because she can take a lot less humour. There's quite little in that part, which I think is well constructed. Because it creates a brilliant contrast between the two of them and you immediately feel really threatened into their surroundings. I think she is quite ruthless in order to get where she wants to go.
Looking around to make sure that she wasn't leaving anything behind, she shouldered her backpack and headed out to the hallway and made for Stevenson's office.
Looking around to make sure that she wasn't leaving anything behind, she shouldered her backpack and headed out to the hallway and made for Stevenson's office. She went through the usual wait before he finally said his usual 'Come in’.
I don't know what happened here, but the paragraph repeated itself here and think it's just a minor formatting error.
In terms of structure, I found it a good start to the new chapter. I had also hoped in this one - especially when Evelyn talked about magic - that this structure and how it is distributed would be explained a little more. Namely, at the moment it's only clear to you and you can only read a little between the lines how the magic works, but so that it doesn't come to an extreme, unexpected plot twist at some point, I think a short lesson here wouldn't have hurt.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
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