Hello, Kate! Wist is finally here to review part two.
This is a nice sequel to part one, but I will say this part felt much more exposition-heavy than the first one. I don't think this feeling has much basis in reality; it has more to do with the initial excitement of a new story having faded and us being less hungry for answers and more hungry for action. But I don't necessarily think that this makes this story bad. I think spicing it up with more action or tension would help. Perhaps more asteroids or seeing the terrorists mentioned in the previous part land would make it feel both more grounded in the story and more exciting. This is just my two cents, though! Feel free to ignore it. With that said, let's move on to the nitty-gritty of your work.
"Well, a special forces unit is a more understood concept across time than a group solely devoted to delicate timeline edits and strengthening."
This is more a question than a critique, but wouldn't a less understood concept be less restricted because people wouldn't know how to restrict it? For example, AI training isn't very restricted right now because people haven't yet figured out how to draw the line. After all, it's new and not studied. So, if the idea of a "love crew" isn't understood, how would they know to restrict it?
"Goodreads."
Kate, this made me laugh so hard. I don't know if you meant it to be, but the idea of the creator of the universe being in a Goodreads battle with her immortal friends is pure comedy.
"Organized chops broke out immediately..."
Was this meant to be organized chaos?
Chud finally put his axe down for the first time during this entire ride, as he strapped on his armor, gleaming red and gold even in the pale blue light of the ship. It was a flashy set and not particularly protective on paper only covering his chest, elbows, knees and shins. He'd forgone the parts for his forearm. Chud being Chud didn't need the protection to avoid actual injuries, not with skin that tough. The armor's primary purpose was to reduce pain.
I feel so conflicted about this description of Chud's armor. I think the main issue is that no one else gets this level of description, so it feels very abrupt and out of place compared to everyone else's shorter ones.
Kate said. Tappu grinned. "Oh I love this already."
Again, don't forget to start a new paragraph when someone new begins speaking ^^
"Mopsy and Flopsy are ready to go."
I already love them. Ship mascot material.
"You gonna give me some local Earth money or...?"
Vankous, how do you know about making it rain? In all seriousness, love the pun!!
"We can get ice cream once we succeed."
Again Kate, the banter. I love it so much. It's so good and feels natural.
...held onto dear life on Chud
Bolded word should be to ^^
...most of he past century or so.
Bolded word should be the ^^
"Make it rain weatherboy. Its go time."
Ahhh, the suspense. So excited!! What a good note to end to bring us back for more.
Overall, this piece does what it needs to do by setting up characters in their appropriate locations and getting us ready for the action to come. However, since it's so heavily focused on preparing, the previous built-up tension dwindled a bit. I hope somewhere in this you find some helpful tips. I really do like these stories and I'm excited for the third part. I'm just leaving you with tips that will hopefully help you make Part Three as best as it can be. Good job, Kate, and I'm glad you published.
Happy Writing!
Wist
Points: 4215
Reviews: 48
Donate