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Young Writers Society


12+

Survival: The Escape, Chapter 9.5

by KateHardy


Daisy could feel the burn as she sat down on the floor by the floor and lay against it, trying to catch her breath. With the adrenaline gone and the immediate threat defused, the exhaustions set in full force. Daisy looked around to see how the other two were faring. Aria also looked completely spent much like herself. Harry, on ther hand, somehow appeared to be far less affected.

He was somehow standing up straight, a smile on his face. He was still leaning against the wall for support, but he didn't look nearly as out of breath as she or Aria did. As she watched, he flattened himself against the wall and slowly peered around the corner, probably checking to see where the aliens were.

Daisy took a few deep breaths to try and stop herself from hyperventilating. It would not do to be caught by breathing too loudly of all things. Aria was doing the same as she wandered over to Daisy and plopped herself next to her, giving her a weak smile which Daisy returned.

"Th... that was cl... close," managed Aria, through large gulps of breath.

Daisy took a moment to finish catching her breath before she quickly replied," Yup."

"And luckily we actually ended up exactly where we needed to," added Aria, after a pause to catch her breath properly.

"Wait really?" asked Daisy, voice dropping to a whisper as she remembered that they should be keeping their voices low.

"Yes...we were supposed to come this way," explained Aria.

"So...we have two more places to go on top of this area?" asked Daisy.

"No this is actually very close to the last place we need to be, the other two are in the corridor that we just ran through," said Aria.

"Ohh that's much better," said Daisy," but how are we going to get to those with the guards, or wait a minute, how are we even going get back to the hall?"

"Well I can't exactly think of a way other than this, mom's map doesn't really have anything beyond like a single hallway after this. We're going to have to chance the fact the guards will have moved on," said Aria, "I don't like it, but there's no other option.

"Uh huh," said Daisy," well in that case, let's get moving now I guess. No point taking any longer than we absolutely have to."

"Correct. Let's get going then," said Aria, hauling herself to her feet and offering a hand to Daisy. Daisy took her hand with a smile and the two of them tiptoed over to where Harry was still peering around the corner.

"Either of our pals look like they're coming back this way?" asked Daisy, tapping Harry on the shoulder.

"Not as far as I can see," said Harry.

"Okay you two keep watch, I'll go finish the informing part over here. It's just a few feet away," said Aria.

"Okay sis," said Harry, nodding," we'll let you know if something is coming this way."

Aria gave a nod and stole off towards the right of the passageway, running across the exposed part as fast as she could. Daisy turned around to watch their backs. There was no telling if the aliens might decide to come from that side. Never hurts to be overly cautious.

They kept up their heightened state of caution for a while once Aria returned as they made their way back along the hallway they'd come through. That night, it appeared they'd gotten lucky because they did not encounter any aliens on the way back. Soon they were walking in the more familiar sanitation area, headed towards their living quarters with all the messages succesfully delivered.


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Mon Oct 04, 2021 8:22 am
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

Seems like they are safe now after having a breathless run from the Aliens. I just wonder if there is any sort of head figure among the Aliens. If yes, these guards will get a good lecture from the heads because they have miserably failed to do their duties. However, we will not be able to see that now. So, better leave it at that.

I do wonder a bit about their presence of mind and mine too. Like in the last part, we saw that Daisy was thanking the fact that aliens' senses are not very good. Now, she is worrying about being caught hyperventilating. I don't quite get it. The Aliens couldn't even hear them running, so how can they hear such a low sound? Maybe it's Daisy was a bit too worried and was not really in the condition of thinking rationally. Or maybe I am misunderstanding something.

If I am not wrong, Harry helped them to be back to themselves and then continue with their work. And yeah, that map. Why didn't we saw that map earlier? Daisy has gotta be a bit more observative in nature for helping out the readers. Harry was very strictly observing the aliens cause he was totally missing from the first half of the conversation.

"Okay sis," said Harry, nodding," we'll let you know if something is coming this way."

I found this 'something' a very interesting and humorous word here. Until this point, I used to refer to the aliens as someone in my mind but seems like I have got to change it.

The last paragraph was a bit too rushed. I think you dhould expand it a bit more or maybe simply cut it from here and you can write it somewhere latter where ut fits better or if you don't want to do it, simply cut it. Though I haven't yet read the next chapter, I don't think it would hurt to give a small break in the middle.

Overall, this chapter was quite an action-filled chapter and the plot moves forward quite a bit and also with no failures. It gives rise to some true hope in the mind of the readers.

Keep Writing!

~Forever




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Ohhhh that just the sensors in the area in general. They have to keep quiet wherever they go in the hallways as much as possible. That's why they mostly whisper or gesture to each other. :D



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Sun Oct 03, 2021 5:58 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

Well, this seemed to be a very fitting end to a very exciting chapter. I liked how it resembled the conclusion of their little adventure and the unfortunate run in with the aliens. It flowed directly from the previous chapter without breaking in flow even once, and I could imagine the scene very clearly - the three of them almost collapsing with exhaustion.

It is really brilliant how quickly they managed to gain back their composure and return back to their mission. I had thought that they would call it a night and return the next day. And considering the uncalled excitement they went through on their very first mission, I honestly wouldn't have blamed them. The three of them are young and experienced but they are brave as well, and awfully quick on their feet. Mrs. Kane would be proud of them!

I did feel that the ending came a little too abruptly. After such excitement and long dialogues and the apprehension of danger that you have portrayed through them, I thought that it came to a close without any warning. The transition there could have been smoother, especially the part where Daisy and Harry were looking after Aria's back.

A few nitpicks:

Harry, on ther hand, somehow appeared to be far less affected.

There is an unnecessary 'r' in 'the'.

how are we even going get back to the hall?

There should be 'to' after 'going'. I guess you missed it.

That's all!

Overall, another exciting chapter. Looking forward to the next one.

Keep writing and have a great day!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Hmm...that did kind of end a bit fast, cause nothing much was supposed to happen, so I kinda just poofed it...I will look into making that longer in a later draft :D



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Sun Oct 03, 2021 1:13 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

It was a good ending to the chapter and in general I found the whole chapter itself very exciting at a fast pace. Something was brewing that came to a brief climax in the last part. I think you did well here to present it in a great tone.

In many ways, this part itself feels a bit like the aftermath and the transition into the next chapter. I like how you've elegantly moved the focus from the aliens to the next point without losing sight of them.

Furthermore, I can say here that you have to be careful when it comes to frequent word repetitions, like "to say" or other points, like in the last part where you made the description of the aliens with "hands" and "purple". (Whereas purple can never be there enough. :D)

I think you've also reached an overall good climax with this chapter ending because you've been building up to this and the reader has also been anticipating what's to come. I was very pleased to finally see the aliens for real and how it all comes together with the damaged door. I think we're at a point where it can only go uphill.

I also liked Daisy's perspective in this chapter. I think at most it could have been Harry taking over the POV, but ultimately that would have meant that the excitement and fear that Daisy exuded wouldn't happen, but more of an anticipation and eagerness.

Other points I noticed while reading:

Daisy could feel the burn as she sat down on the floor by the floor and lay against it,

Here the "floor" has come in twofold.

He was somehow standing up straight, a smile on his face.

That's actually almost normal with Harry and I'm surprised that the two girls still haven't understood what makes him tick. :D

Daisy took a moment to finish catching her breath before she quickly replied," Yup."

I find Daisy's "yup" a little too carefree. "Yeah" or something like that would fit the situation a bit better. You've built up a lot of tension and ending it with a "yup" sounds like they've just come back from an ordinary hike.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!




Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
— Ellen DeGeneres