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Young Writers Society


12+

Survival: The Escape, Chapter 9.4

by KateHardy


Like a villain in one of Earth's ancient horror movies, the two aliens were approaching slowly. As they came within hearing distance, a small high pitched clicking sound filled the air. They were talking to each other. A much harsher sound soon followed as the scraping of their clawed feet could be heard. Daisy winced at the scraping sound, imagining the damage they must have been doing to concrete, damage that the people in the area would have to later fix. The flashlight producing the light came into view.

Attached to the flashlight was a purple hand. The hand was smooth with a thin layer of lighter purple scales on top that acted as a protective layer. The hand was attached to a large humanoid body. It was around ten feet tall, standing far taller than Aria, who was the tallest of them. Its body was also a vibrant purple color, with glowing veins of brighter purple flowing all around its body. It had four similarly sized arms. On was holding the flashlight and another was holding the standard issue sidearm as it swept the area. It was a sleek J shaped weapon. The day she'd learnt what it was capable of flashed through her mind.

The weapons fired a small pointed projectile that contained a superheated plasma inside. The projectiles would pierce skin and then break open. The plasma inside would react violently with the water in a living organism causing it to flash into steam. The result was an explosive expansion.

The creature's other arms were locked in a fighting stance, all eight fingers curled into fists. Its feet, massive claws extended stood low, in a crouch as if the alien was expecting a fight.

Daisy's eyes wandered to its head towering above them. It had yet to look towards them. It clearly didn't know they were there. The alien's four eyes were all focused directly in front of it, taking in something off in the distance. Its dome shaped head looked like a purple mushroom from the side, the aliens shocking white hair only adding to the effect. The two Carpathians came to a halt, smack in the middle of the hallway, just a few feet away from them. Both of them looked almost like they were about to pounce on something.

Fear slowly made itself known as an icy chill spread down Daisy's spine. Whatever nonsense they are about to do, I really don't want to hang around and find out. That's when Harry, in a complete Harry move, tiptoed out of the hiding place and slid behind the two aliens. He wildly gestured for the other two to join before promptly taking off as fast as he could without making noise in the direction that the aliens had come in.

Aria and Daisy both looked at each other in shock, momentarily forgetting the aliens right next to them in the sheer craziness of Harry's actions. Daisy almost wanted to throw something after him. Is this boy insane?

Then before she could react, Aria was pushing her in the same direction Harry had run in, and before she knew it, she was also running, Aria right alongside her. Her heart beat wildly in her chest. Daisy had done some pretty crazy things in life, but this one beat it all by a long shot.

As they ran, Daisy risked a glance backwards to see the aliens turn, two sets of beady eyes focusing on the nook that they had just vacated, the bright flashlights lighting up the dark corner for all the world to see. Her blood ran cold at the implications. They'd only run off in the nick of time. 

She summoned up all the speed she could muster as she charged after the siblings, knowing they all had to turn the corner before the aliens got a chance to see. It took all of her remaining strength to speed up enough to catch up to Aria and Harry, both of whom were going much faster. The two of them slowed down as they realized Daisy wasn’t keeping level with them and the three of them ran in unison down the long straight corridor. For the first time that night, Daisy regretted wishing for a corridor without a bend.

The trio lost themselves in the ever increasing darkness, hoping against hope that the aliens would not look behind them or turn back around. It was a long exhausting couple of minutes, their adrenaline the only reason they were able to continue running through the exhaustion of a day's work. Soon enough they found themselves at a fork in the passageway to turn into and all three of them collapsed against the wall of the hallway.

As Daisy tried to catch her breath, she silently thanked the fact that the aliens had weaker senses than humans. If they'd been spotted while they charged of...Daisy didn't even want to think of what the consequences could've been.


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Sun Jan 16, 2022 4:53 am
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



We meet at last, aliens. Andrew here, with a review. This chapter is good for finally getting to see the great Other, our antagonists. It raises the stakes and gives our audience a good boogeyman to finally imagine. My main critique is that the aliens seem a bit... blind. I don't know if I misread it or something, but the way they don't see the humans who are described to be quote "just a few feet away from them." and don't notice them slip behind them and run away.
Maybe the aliens literally have bad eyesight, in which case that's an interesting weakness, but one I'd be glad to know about now. Or maybe I didn't understand the situation and sneaking was much easier than I thought. If so, you could make it a bit more dummy proof by making clear what was going on and why the Aliens didn't like immediately spot them.
Either way, it broke my suspension of disbelief and kinda broke the true horror of these Antagonists for a moment.
But the alien description was cool and scary, the fact that they were huge was an interesting and actually weirdly disturbing twist. I'm curious to see what science you have behind that. Does the alien planet have less gravity? Do they have exceptionally strong hearts and bones? They seem to have some form of blood, at least, that's what the veins suggest. Or maybe the aliens are very lightweight, like birds?
If it is a gravity difference, I'll be curious to see how they survive on earth.
But into specifics!

Like a villain in one of Earth's ancient horror movies, the two aliens were approaching slowly

grammar is always fun: You can say approached, not were approaching
A much harsher sound soon followed as the scraping of their clawed feet could be heard.

Interesting, they don't wear shoes?
The creature's other arms were locked in a fighting stance, all eight fingers curled into fists. Its feet, massive claws extended stood low, in a crouch as if the alien was expecting a fight.

ALIEN BOXING TIME LETS GO
The alien's four eyes were all focused directly in front of it, taking in something off in the distance.

Wait so are they distracted, if so, maybe play that out a bit more.
Fear slowly made itself known as an icy chill spread down Daisy's spine.

ooooh, showing feelings. Good old fashion physical experiences. Gotta love 'em
But that's all just my two cents, hope it helped!
Excited to see what our big plasma gun-wielding friends do to those poor, misbehaving little humans.
Thanks, and keep writing!
Andrew




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

xD...umm the aliens have worse senses as opposed to humans. That is a thing...that's mostly why they get away here. The are bigger though, I don't think I ever explicitly state most of this, but in the worldbuilding their planet is like Earth from a few million years ago, where things had enough oxygen and such to grow much larger.



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Sun Oct 03, 2021 5:55 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

This was a great part. I do have some random questions and guesses which flooded into my mind while reading this. So, let's get into it.

Do they still have movies now? If yes, I am quite interested to know what the movies are like and if they have any similarities with the 'ancient' movies. Also, do they have the permission to retain those ancient things like T. V. or mobile phones to watch the ancient movies? Or otherwise, how did they know about it?

I like how you portrayed the supremacy of the aliens when it came to the body parts. Like they have four hands(more than humans), two sets of eyes (more,more), 10 feet tall(isn't it more than the tallest human being ever?) and a lot of things. The aliens actually look a bit scary and funny at the same time. I am just a bit curious to know if they have eyebrows. If they don't, it's really sad cause they will not be able to lift an eyebrow and do those eyebrow dances. I am talking out of context, I guess. Anyway, back to the actual thing. The humans are sensationally supreme than the Aliens.

I honestly expected a greater sort of fighting but that 'Harry' escape was definitely a scene there considering the fact that they can't really 'fight' with the aliens. They would seriously die in a fraction of second. Now the thing is, it seems like roaming here and there at night is banned or otherwise, they could have just escaped in front of the aliens. Now it makes their journey even harder. This was the first real danger that they faced and Harry was Harry. You really managed to make us laugh even when they were in fatal danger.

I am interested about something else too. Are the Aliens by any way afraid of humans? Like if they were not afraid of them, why did they take so strict security measures for the humans or there are other enemies too? Maybe there are as was indicated by that spaceship. That can also be the cause of why they have heavily guarded the doors. Only if the humans could be good make-up men and dress as Aliens and escape.

The weapon was very cruel and the Aliens are wasting their own inventions like this. Those could be used in better things. I really doubt they understand human beings.

The escape was a good and a very lucky one and most importantly, it was their first escape and that is what makes it a great one. Also, I like the presence of mind of Harry. The other were very tensed and could think of nothing when Harry did the crazy thing. I just want him to describe this to his mom. That would be quite interesting to see and if he describes that dramatically, that would be even more awesome. I will get to the next part soon. Again it seems like you are uploading parts faster than tortoises...and I am indeed a tortoise :D

Keep Writing!

~Forever




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Movies are available to watch in the small museum they've made..that's a whole other thing, I think it gets mentioned sometime later in the story. :D

Haha, more alien scenes will come towards the end of the story :D

Hmm...yes fighting with the aliens at this stage would not end well for them. :D

Oh the aliens just don't want them getting and like I mentioned here, the aliens have generally weaker senses that humans, like they hearing and eyesight is worse than ours which is part of why they could run away without getting heard.

xD....well the Aliens did kill of over 8billion humans in the war..so they aren't the kindest species...but they do have their reasons for what they do, it becomes clearer towards the third book :D

xD, its one part a day :D

Thanks again!!



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Sat Oct 02, 2021 5:49 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a really great continuation of the previous part. For one, I am glad that you let them escape. I think the entire purpose of this now was to give us a glimpse of the aliens so that we know and understand what they are up against.

The descriptions were really good. I like the way you portrayed them as observations made in the height of fear rather than descriptions narrated in a monotone way. It fit in with the text and made the entire read more terrifying as I could only wonder what would happen if they were caught. While the aliens may not be as agile, the plasma carrying guns of their would surely make them evaporate into dust.

I also liked the tension that you maintained throughout the chapter. Daisy's fear and thoughts aptly portrayed the concerns and the terror of the other two and the readers as well, and for the first time, I felt that you did not need dialogue to really bring those emotions to light. It was done really well, and I could actually feel their nerves and that life threatening fear in them.

The way Harry made some hand gestures and then seemingly took off towards the opposite end of the corridor was a very Harry thing to do, and I liked how dumbstruck Aria and Daisy were. Sometimes I myself cannot understand how Harry does things like that, but this time it saved their lives so I guess the danger and the risk payed off. It was really nerve wracking to read though. It's a wonder that the aliens did not hear them running behind them, but I am definitely not complaining. It does suggest the idea though that the greatest threat from the aliens is the gun that they carry.

The day she'd learnt what it was capable of flashed through her mind.

I cannot guess if we have already read about this day, or if it is something she is recalling from her memory. Either way this mysterious sentence has made me curios and wonder.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Until next time!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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Sat Oct 02, 2021 12:59 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,

Mailice here again with another short review! :D

This part was kind of a wild rollercoaster ride. You manage to create a threatening atmosphere and to focus me very attentively on the description of the aliens, because you also took a lot of time and effort there. And then Harry is there. :D I can understand very well what the two girls were thinking when he was suddenly behind them.

I liked this part and I can see that the three parts before built on this point of showing the aliens in full detail. Again, you keep the dialogue out of it to maintain that atmosphere. Now I liked that we also went in the direction of Daisy with the POV because I think she could best give the fear and the descriptions of what was going on in their heads (with the exception of Harry).

What I liked most was how you showed that the aliens have their own "language" as well as the end of the story, how it came to a very open ending.

Other points I noticed while reading:

Like a villain in one of Earth's ancient horror movies, the two aliens were approaching slowly.

It's a fascinating and somehow also funny introduction for this part.

Attached to the flashlight was a purple hand. The hand was smooth with a thin layer of lighter purple scales on top that acted as a protective layer. The hand was attached to a large humanoid body.

The description of the aliens was good, but I think you can definitely expand on that. Especially with the beginning, you repeat yourself here with "the hand" three times in three sentences. Maybe you could also work with synonyms like "grips at the ends of the arms" or something. In general, I think you've already shown us a lot of the two aliens, and I'm still very curious to see how you can improve the performance.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!! :D




To have more, you have to become more. Don't wish it was easier - wish you were better. For things to change, you have to change, and for things to get better, you have to get better.
— Jim Rohn