z

Young Writers Society


12+

Survival: The Escape, Chapter 3.5

by KateHardy


With that declaration by Mrs. Kane, there were some nods around the table.

"Alright, well then, the meeting is over for today, thank you for coming in you two, the information about the door was invaluable, and it well help. Every little details counts for what we're doing here. I know that we've yet to spot a weakness that will successfully let us leave, but the more we know, the closer we get to knowing that," said Mr. Haber.

"Yes, you guys are going to be quite important to this going forward," said Ms. Johnson, "you've been very helpful so far and I hope to see you at more of these meetings. I'm sure you guys would like to see more of the outside too, what you saw was only a fraction of all the footage we've got."

"Thank you for letting us come," said Harry. Aria echoed the same sentiment with a nod. She frowned lightly at the mention of the footage, it was being dangled a bit like bait to get them to provide information. She decided it was best not to think too far in that direction at this hour of night.

There were a few "Good Night's' and then they were out of the door and heading back towards quarters. Mrs. Kane and Harry were once again upfront with Aria bringing up the rear. As soon as the darkness of the passage engulfed them again, Harry spoke up.

"So mom, are you going to tell us about that trash dive thing and how that drone works?" he asked. He spoke in barely a whisper but the tunnel's echo cause it to come off sounding much louder and Aria nearly jumped at the unexpected volume.

Mrs. Kane immediately put a finger to her lips and pointed the walls with a firm shake of her head, very clearly indicating that no more talking should be happening inside this particular tunnel. She then proceeded to nod at Harry and kept walking. Aria assumed that meant she was going to tell them about the trash dive thing. She was pretty curious to know that herself, especially about how the drone had fooled the laser system into letting it pass without being melted into goo.

The walk back didn't seem quite as long as it had when they were on the way to the meeting. Perhaps it was because Aria was a bit more excited to get to her destination this time, now that they were headed back to their living quarters. Her excitement was enough to keep her from noticing the colder air. It also seemed a bit darker in the passageway. It looked a few of the lights that had been turned on while they were arriving were now off. Either they'd run out of power somehow or the lights were being slowly turned off. Considering the fact that there was still some light it was probably the latter.

Soon they were at the sliding door leading off from the main corridor. Mrs. Kane tapped a panel set somewhere in the wall of the passageway and it slid it open. She gestured for the two of them to go first. 

Harry went through, checking the hallway for any signs of life. As he quickly signalled that it was all clear, Aria snuck through the door this time a lot more graceful than earlier as she wasn't jumping from an awkward stance. The hallways were still in the same darkened state they'd been in earlier.

Their mother came through last, the door sliding shut behind and here and they made their way quickly back into the living quarters. Once inside, Aria let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. As easy as it was to sneak around these days, there was always the risk.

Aria turned to her mother. Harry was already looking at her expectantly.

"Alright you two, I'm not going to run away, come on let's take a seat and then I'll tell you, but you have to sleep right after, alright?"

"Okay, mom, now tell us," said Harry.


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178 Reviews


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Thu Sep 16, 2021 12:41 am
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Andrew here with a quick review! This chapter is a nice little chill bit after the tension of before. Not a ton happens, besides a trip, we’ve already seen, so I don’t have much to say there.

So into specifics!



I'm sure you guys would like to see more of the outside too, what you saw was only a fraction of all the footage we've got."


ooooooh

Okay, not much to say here, my only main complaint is that this bit seems like it may be a bit unnecessary, and though I'm the king of unnecessary fluff, I do believe that if something doesn't advance the plot or our understanding of the world or characters it can be cut, so maybe you could just cut from the meeting back to the room where they talk to there mom.
But maybe you revealed some real slight things on the way back that will later become very important, who knows!
That's all just my two cents.
Thanks, and keep writing,
-Andrew




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Hmm...this does have tiny bit of foreshadowing in it...but hmm, I do get how this does looks a bit unnecessary...and I think I can probably shorten this a bunch and still do said foreshadowing...so definitely will not this down. :D



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MaybeAndrew says...



Ignore this little accident




KateHardy says...


Haha...forgetting to click "Yes" eh?. I'm pretty sure this happened to me just yesterday :D



KateHardy says...


Haha...forgetting to click "Yes" eh?. I'm pretty sure this happened to me just yesterday :D



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Mon Sep 06, 2021 4:15 am
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey Harry! Forever here with a review!!

So, they are quite important faces in the movement. It's still a mystery about what that is so. I have a question: Will they do their duty again in that door? I mean will they have to repeat what they had done before? I wonder.

I wonder about the light being turned off or ran out of power. Now if I go with the former one, did the Aliens notice them somehow? Because if the light were turned off, the Aliens did so and that proves they were awake. That's not a very good point for the humans. And if I go with the latter one, something is definitely wrong with the lights and um... I don't know but is that somehow related to the financial condition of the Aliens? Interesting.

Aria's mind has much more hope now than earlier and also her mind has kind of taken a 160 degree turn cuz it can't be called 180 as she still has a few doubts about it. And about the others, their minds are pretty much the same as it was.

I am quite eager to know how the drone actually fooled the laser system. Well, it was taken some time ago if not a long ago. This might be the case that the laser protection was not there at the time. Now if that's the thing, I am really afraid that Aria's mind can again take a 180 degree turn kind of going back to the initial position.

That was a great place to end the story. I will get to the next part soon and I am just eager: How many chapters are there in the whole book?

Keep Writing!

~Forever




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!!

Hmm...interesting theory about the aliens there ;)

Ohh, this story has 23 chapters. :D





So 20 chapter more and if each chapter has 5 parts each... 100 parts! and if you keep uploading 2 chapters a day and if I keep lagging behind... I am gonna faint.



KateHardy says...


Oh dear...don't faint. :D I only upload a chapter as soon as its out of the green room. :D You can blame Random and Mailice for being so fast at reviewing

Take it easy and do what you can :D Don't overwork yourself, trust me, I did that before for the first time I participated in RevMo, didn't end too well.



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Sat Sep 04, 2021 10:11 am
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi HarryHardy,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

You're not exactly making my life easy, posting a new chapter part more or less every day. :D

So I thought that this chapter would continue to give these informative pieces, but somehow you really make it like a puzzle where you hide each piece somewhere and only reveal it later. I think that's good, but also felt like you stretched it out a bit artificially here. Now that I'm only looking at this part individually and not as part of the whole chapter, I thought it was a bit of a shame. But looking at the chapter as a whole, I can see the ulterior motive and I also notice that this is a good way to keep the tension high.

What I considered to be a good approach was the beginning, how you used a few stylistic devices to show Aria's thoughts, however this diminished with the rest of the part. You continued to show some good approaches, but the few dialogues towards the end again made it seem as if it wasn't Aria who was narrating. I would try to show her thoughts a bit more clearly.

I liked the chapter in general. I thought it was a good ending to the meeting and you could clearly feel that there was tension.

Some points I noticed while reading:

Alright, well then, the meeting is over for today, thank you for coming in you two, the information about the door was invaluable, and it well help.

I would try to make two sentences out of it.

Aria echoed the same sentiment with a nod. She frowned lightly at the mention of the footage,

It's good to see that Aria is still in a bit of a stupor here after seeing that. I think it's also a good contrast to Harry, and I think it would also be great to see him thinking about it exactly.

"Good Night's'

The last quotation mark lost it´s brother! :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Sorry....the story's already written so the moment you guys kick it out the green room, I just have to copy paste from word and click publish :D

Hmm....Aria's thoughts throughout this chapter has been a consistent issue, definitely something I'm gonna have to work on for draft 3 :D



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Fri Sep 03, 2021 4:45 pm
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MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hello! I am here to review! I saw this in the Green Room but I haven't read the previous chapters. I shall do what I can.

'Every little details counts' - Every little detail..

'There were a few "Good Night's' and then they were out of the door and heading back towards quarters.' - this sentence sounds odd. When I read it I thought they were referring to something to do with the footage and that there were 'good nights' and 'bad nights' that were captured or something. Maybe change it to something like 'they said their goodbye's and then they were out the door.'

'He spoke in barely a whisper but the tunnel's echo cause it to come off sounding much louder' - maybe 'amplified his voice'? Just makes the sentence cleaner.

'It looked a few of the lights' - It looked like a few of the lights..

'this time a lot more graceful than earlier' - as you've already established a comparison with 'this time' it makes 'than earlier' redundant. Also you've repeated 'earlier' so it would be good to cut this one.

'Their mother came through last,' - this is also not needed. We know there's three of them. We know the order they came in. You could just out 'The door slid closed behind their mother.'

Hope all this helps! :D




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

RandomTalks here with a review! I am going to review this using the Critique Sandwich method today (requirements of the checklist challenge, you know), and hopefully I will do this right.

I like how you never end you chapter with a conclusion or overview like others do. You always end with the promise of more to come. That is really good technique to keep the readers hooked. This was mostly a light chapter, and it is concrete in form and structure.

Now, not much happens in this chapter. It is mostly a conclusion of the meeting and their journey back to the quarters. Even so, you somehow managed to make that journey interesting to read. When Aria noticed that a few of the lights that had been turned on before were now off, I was certain that their excursion had been discovered by the aliens. It was an unusual detail to add, but I liked the sudden danger it brought into the story and made one notice all the little details of the rest of the journey. I almost sighed in relief when they made it to their living quarters, and I think that is the kind of response you want to invoke in your readers through simple text.

I am a little curios about one thing though. When the meeting was first mentioned in the conversation between Aria and her mother, it had seemed that Aria had been to a lot of these meetings before. She seemed to have been bored by their same lack of outcome and had even asked if she would again have to give some speech about "how awesome they are and how they are totally going to escape"? I could have understood it wrong, though that's why I am asking.

Now onto some details:

I know that we've yet to spot a weakness that will successfully let us leave, but the more we know, the closer we get to knowing that,

You use the word 'know' in the same context, in the same sentence too close to one another. Maybe you could rewrite the end as "the more we know, the closer we get to figuring that out"?

but the tunnel's echo cause it to come off sounding much louder

You are missing the 'd' in 'caused'.

Mrs. Kane immediately put a finger to her lips and pointed the walls with a firm shake of her head,

An 'at' is missing after 'pointed'.

Their mother came through last, the door sliding shut behind and here and they made their way quickly back into the living quarters.

The 'and here' in the middle of the sentence serves no purpose and is just standing there for no reason.

That's all. The small errors were mostly typos and not that significant. This chapter was easy to read and follow, and I like that about your works. Overall, this was another great chapter, and I am looking forward to reading Chapter 4. You did say that the interesting stuff starts from there.

(I know this is informal, but did I do the critique sandwich right?)

Have a great day!




KateHardy says...


Thank youuu for the review!!

xD...I feel like you did it right, but I'm no expert :D

Oh Aria has heard about them but never actually been to one :D

Well...there's one teensy part left, just a bit of cleanup honestly there...and then yes the fun begins in Chap 4...fun as in...escape starts to look less impossible




When something is broken, it can be fixed.
— Benjamin Alire Saenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe