Hi Harry,
Mailice here with a short review!
And the leisurely march through the forest continues. Joking aside, you start off with an interesting new beginning here, which wasn't immediately obvious in the last chapter, and which I think is good to keep the story here - continuing in the forest in a new light.
I like how we start to see a bit more of the area and how you try to describe it. Above all, I think it's turned out well in some respects, but I also think you could develop the approach a bit more. At the moment I find it a bit annoying that we can read Harry "thinking" for a moment, but because it's just one thought, it stays in the back of your mind rather than if you had tried to link the descriptions to his thoughts.
Because it's there one by one, it seems conspicuous and as if you've forgotten to put other parts in there. I think you can create some very interesting things if you connect the inner world with the outer world.
Otherwise, I think this is a good starting part, with the description and what happens next. I also think it's the first time we hear all the members of the group talking together in the first part.
You've kept the tension on an arc a bit with the descriptions, without losing anything and without adding anything and yet it remains interesting to read. Since I really like this chapter on the whole, in hindsight I find this part there to be a bit more of a lull, but it's still a great start to the chapter.
Other points I noticed while reading:
“…hear that sound?” finished, Daisy. “That’s a yes.”
I think the comma here is at the wrong place or completely unnecessary. I´m also not so sure here, but I believe the yes has to be more emphasised since it´s like a “title” or response. (I don´t know what I´m writing here, but I hope you get what I mean. )
“I didn’t like that sound,” confirmed Kate, “that sounds like something heavy jumped through a tree.”
I would prefer to change the second part of Kate´s dialogue, just because of the overuse of “sound” to maybe rewrite as “it tends to be something heavy…”
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Points: 0
Reviews: 1232
Donate