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Young Writers Society


12+

Survival: The Escape, Chapter 20.1

by KateHardy


Chapter 20

The Hike Part II: Deeper in the Forest

[Harry]

The first thing they noticed was the sounds. The noise level of the forest seemed to somehow increase by a significant amount when they were among the trees. Why a few feet should make such a huge difference, Harry couldn’t say. It might have been that being surrounded by trees meant the sound echoed more, there could be some form of advanced invisible soundproofing around the path, it really wasn’t possible for him to judge that and it wasn’t something the drone had picked up, mostly because it had no microphone to pick up audio.

The now permanent sounds aside, the light level was not getting any better now that they were in the thicker foliage of the jungle. There was the occasional patch of light from where they were gaps in the canopy of trees but these weren’t exactly common. This meant they were walking along rather slowly, no quite knowing what to expect. The document they'd been given was clear about a few things but the drone had clearly had a lot of trouble going around in this thicker inner jungle and they only had a very generic line to walk along. What was lying along it, they were going to have to figure out.

The forest around them was at least beautiful even if half of it wasn’t deadly. The crimson trunks rising high into the night sky around them stood decorated with all sorts of brightly colored moss, with the occasional patch glowing an eerie royal blue. It combined unusually well with magenta leaves scattered all about the floor along blending in with the occasional visible patch of purple grass. It was like a snapshot of a world from one of the old fantasy novels Harry had read.

The beauty of the trees however, wasn’t what Harry was on the lookout for as he brought up the rear of their little formation along with Daisy. He was on the lookout for the main threats that they had managed to detect with the drone. These included five varieties of plants that they’d theorized would be large and dangerous enough to potentially kill a human and a couple more that looked like it could leave them severely injured enough that it would make the rest of their escape almost impossible.

As he mentally ran through the list of plants, there was a sudden sound of something breaking, he couldn’t exactly recognize it, but it sounded like a tree branch.

“Did you guys…” he began, speaking up.

“…hear that sound?” finished, Daisy. “That’s a yes.”

“I didn’t like that sound,” confirmed Kate, “that sounds like something heavy jumped through a tree.”

“Well there’s no way to tell if a sound like that happens normally in here or if it might be something trying to chase after us," said Ryan," the drone...."

“Didn't have audio," finished Harry, "yes that's going to cause some issues. Well I suggest we don’t wait around long enough to find out and just move.

“Yes,” said Aria, “come one everyone, we have to move before that sound becomes a large mutant monkey dropping down on our faces.”

“What? There are mutant monkeys in this forest?” said Kate, eyes wide. "I don't remember that being in the document."

“I don't either, I think she was just exaggerating Kate,” said Harry.

“It’s a possibility,” said Aria, and then changed track as Daisy glared at her. “And I’m totally not helping this situation, so let’s keep moving.


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Fri Nov 26, 2021 8:33 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

And the leisurely march through the forest continues. :D Joking aside, you start off with an interesting new beginning here, which wasn't immediately obvious in the last chapter, and which I think is good to keep the story here - continuing in the forest in a new light.

I like how we start to see a bit more of the area and how you try to describe it. Above all, I think it's turned out well in some respects, but I also think you could develop the approach a bit more. At the moment I find it a bit annoying that we can read Harry "thinking" for a moment, but because it's just one thought, it stays in the back of your mind rather than if you had tried to link the descriptions to his thoughts.

Because it's there one by one, it seems conspicuous and as if you've forgotten to put other parts in there. I think you can create some very interesting things if you connect the inner world with the outer world.

Otherwise, I think this is a good starting part, with the description and what happens next. I also think it's the first time we hear all the members of the group talking together in the first part. :D

You've kept the tension on an arc a bit with the descriptions, without losing anything and without adding anything and yet it remains interesting to read. Since I really like this chapter on the whole, in hindsight I find this part there to be a bit more of a lull, but it's still a great start to the chapter. :D

Other points I noticed while reading:

“…hear that sound?” finished, Daisy. “That’s a yes.”

I think the comma here is at the wrong place or completely unnecessary. I´m also not so sure here, but I believe the yes has to be more emphasised since it´s like a “title” or response. (I don´t know what I´m writing here, but I hope you get what I mean. :D)

“I didn’t like that sound,” confirmed Kate, “that sounds like something heavy jumped through a tree.”

I would prefer to change the second part of Kate´s dialogue, just because of the overuse of “sound” to maybe rewrite as “it tends to be something heavy…”

Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!! :D



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Tue Nov 23, 2021 4:49 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

I wonder how I didn't notice it in the previous chapter but I think it's better to simply remove that "The Hike Part II: Deeper in the Forest" thing and just write it as "Chapter 20 : Deeper in the Forest". However, it's completely upto you. I just told what sounded better to me, I have no idea about headings and subheadings.

Yes, sound! I was highly expecting something of that sort to happen and I really hate that my prediction became true. It doesn't seem like a good thing at all. If it's indeed a mutant monkey, it can actually pounce and jump on them before they even have the time to think about it and prevent it from happening. However, looking on the bright side, I was honestly imagining some sort of flying vehicle. I really hope that this is the case. I don't remember what kind of vehicle was actually mentioned in the discussions and if the type was actually mentioned, but ah, hoping for the best is something. :)

I liked the dialogue scene. Although they are trying to appear normal, we can clearly see through them and understand their inner pain, worry and everything. I wonder what really happened to their excitement? Perhaps it has flown away or is hidden behind all their miseries and sufferings and troubles. Perhaps it is the only thing that is providing them the energy they need. I am pretty amazed at the fact that still they are not hungry. Don't mind me, it's exceedingly natural that one might forget about eating when it comes to this sort of escape and maybe they too have forgotten it. I don't know why but I can't simply ignore that fact.

The description of the jungle was an odd description among all these but still, it was a beautiful description. I liked how oddly beautiful the trees appeared. For a split moment, they are enough to make you forget about all the dangers. That's indeed a veryyy dangerous point!

Ah I hope Aria is wrong^wrong. Hope is a weapon which we shouldn't really lose and as long as they are alive, they too can have it. Optimism!

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Hmm....the chapter title might need a change in the third draft :D



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Mon Nov 22, 2021 7:46 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I really enjoyed the slow and relaxing pace to this part. Now that the immediate threat is over, we are actually taking a look around and observing this new territory. The descriptions you included in this part was really vibrant and stood out from the mainstream text. A lot of it has to do with your decision to use suck different colors to describe the place. Crimson, magenta, royal blue, purple - these are all very bright and unique colors and I could actually visualize the scene Harry was talking about.

I also liked the change of voice to Harry's. He and Daisy, both have a very optimistic outlook to the world, and sometimes that is very necessary. The three of them balance each other out very well, in this respect. Harry with his optimism and humor, Daisy with her gentle protectiveness, and Aria with her pessimism and logical reasoning. They are three very different and yet realistic characters and I like how they compliment the best in each other.

The short dialogue that you included in this part was also very enjoyable. Even though they are talking about possible threats, there is a lightness to the discussion that wasn't present until now. I think this is because they are a lot more used to each other's presence now, especially Kate and Ryan. The formality that was between them, has disappeared completely now and it actually feels like they are not only a team, but friends as well.

Coming back to the story, whatever sound they heard can't be good news. While it may not be as extreme as Aria's mutant monkeys, but any noise in the forest should not be ignored. Who knows what hides behind every corner; for their sake, I hope they are extra cautious. It will be interesting to see what new trouble they get into here, but as we are nearing the end, I am feeling even more skeptical about this forest.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Until next time!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!! :D




You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.
— Stephen King