z

Young Writers Society


12+

Survival: The Escape, Chapter 10.3

by KateHardy


Inside was another dark hallway. A strong current of cool air was coming from somewhere inside. Aria mentally slapped herself. Of course the meeting is in an inner chamber. They're not going to make it that easy for the aliens. The three of them stepped inside, Aria shivering slightly as the coldness of the room hit them.

Harry silently closed the door behind them

"So shall we then?" asked Aria.

"I think we've spent enough time thinking about what it's going to be. About time that we actually got to it," said Harry, with a smile.

"We definitely need to get out of this dark hallway," said Daisy," I've had enough of those for a day."

"Alright, hopefully we don't have too much further to go," said Aria and the trio set off, walking faster now that they knew the meeting room had to be close.

They turned a corner and saw a welcome sight. The rest of the passage was lit by several makeshift lights, probably hand crafted from spare bits of junk. It made the passageway seem a lot more welcoming. Aria could see Daisy visibly ease up as she stepped into the light. 

They continued through three more turns, heading deep into the center of camp and, if the slight slope was any indication, deep into the heart of the Earth as well. It was very reminiscent of the routes that led to the older storage spaces in the camp which Aria suspected was what this place must've been before it had been repurposed for the meeting.

Soon they arrived at a pair of double doors. Aria gave them a gentle push and they swung open, surprisingly quietly for doors had to have been a few decades old. She couldn't even begin to imagine how that was achieved.

As the trio entered, the giant room came into view. There was a small stage in the center. Their mother and the other three were standing on it. Set around the circular stage were several rows of chairs. It was a strange mishmash of repaired chairs from the trash and all kinds of other salvaged and scraped together parts that had been repurposed into chairs. It looked like someone had gotten bored inside a garbage dump and decided to lay out each piece in concentric circles. Then she noticed the number of people. There looked to be at least fifty present. Aria had never seen quite that many people in any place besides The Hub before, and even in The Hub it was a very rare occurrence.

Harry closed the door behind them. There was a sudden whir of machinery in the background and she could hear several clicks. The four on stage turned to face the new arrivals. Aria tried her best to put on what she hoped was a confident smile.

No one said a word. Harry stepped forward and gave them a little wave. Aria had to stop herself from laughing out loud at that. He just had to be unnecessarily adorable sometimes.

"Take a seat you three," said Mrs. Kane," glad you could make it. Now that we have everyone we can move towards finalizing the number that will be picked for this...excursion."

There was a general murmur of assent at the statement. Aria led the three of them to a vacant area and fished around for any empty seats. She managed to locate a few towards the corner of the room and the three of them sat down. Aria tried to catch her mother’s eye.


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Sat Jan 22, 2022 10:42 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Andrew here for a review! I can't believe an escape is actually gonna be occurring... how exciting.
The chapter was well written, but I feel it could have built the mood a bit more, by going slower in some places, where I partially thought of this was here:

As the trio entered, the giant room came into view. There was a small stage in the center. Their mother and the other three were standing on it. Set around the circular stage were several rows of chairs. It was a strange mishmash of repaired chairs from the trash and all kinds of other salvaged and scraped together parts that had been repurposed into chairs. It looked like someone had gotten bored inside a garbage dump and decided to lay out each piece in concentric circles. Then she noticed the number of people. There looked to be at least fifty present. Aria had never seen quite that many people in any place besides The Hub before, and even in The Hub it was a very rare occurrence.

Quite a cool description, so cool, I want to hear more of it.
I'm also curious, are our daring main characters the only teens there. How many of those fifty people would they know/recognize?
Anyway, that's all just my two cents, hope it helped!
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!! :D



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Fri Oct 08, 2021 5:06 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,
 
Mailice here with another short review! :D
 
In contrast to the previous part, this one seems much more lively and leaves the impression that, well, we've reached the point where the meeting should start. In combination with the previous part, it seemed a bit too stretched and like drawn out bubblegum. On the other hand, I welcome this attempt. I like the little detail that keeps coming up about Daisy and her fear of the dark. I wonder if we ever find out what that's about. Some traumatic event from childhood?
 
I think what I like and what stands out here is Aria's observation and her ability to analyse things. In this case you build up a much better tension than the actual plot and I have to say that so far I see this chapter as a little weaker than the others. You manage to give the feeling that we are on a "suspension bridge" between two mountains, but once you have climbed this one, you are faced with the next one.
 
In general, I think you have to try to make this wave, with which you opened the chapter, rise again, because it flattened out before it reached the coast.
 
Other points I noticed while reading:
 

"I think we've spent enough time thinking about what it's going to be. About time that we actually got to it,"

That's about how the whole last part struck me. :D
 
Have fun writing!
 
Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youuu for the review!!

xD....this did get drawn out a bit, but I did try and take the time to sort of show Aria's perspective of the escape attempt and plans and whatnot, cause out of the trio she's the sort of skeptical one so I felt like I had to show more of how she's viewing all of this.



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Wed Oct 06, 2021 4:13 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I guess the actual meeting is going to begin in the next part? It is nice hoy you have built each part, slowly increasing the hype for this meeting. The fact that fifty people have participated in this one tells me that something major is going to happen soon. They seem to be organized in their plans and the increasing number of volunteers and participants suggest their enthusiasm and determination in making this work. Aria was right in the previous part - this meeting is going to go alright and they might just hold on to their hopes for a while. There is light at the end of this tunnel, and slowly I am feeling that they just might get to see it some day.

Daisy must be really scared of the dark. This little fact has been brought up several times in several chapters and I am wondering if it has some deeper significance. It is good then that this passageway had more lights. It is really great how you have paid attention to these little details, even going as far as to explaining the location for the meeting place and justifying it being there. It is always nice to include these little details as they help the readers understand the situation better.

Now some nitpicks:

Their mother and the other three were standing on it.

Here, I questioned your use of the phrase "the three other". I am guessing that you meant three other people, so you should just specify that word. And since they have not been mentioned before, you cannot use 'the' here.

Now that we have everyone we can move towards finalizing the number that will be picked

There should be a comma after 'everyone'. I've noticed that you generally avoid punctuation, especially in dialogues and as a result they appear a little lengthier than necessary sometimes.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Until next time!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Yup, this is a bit of a big meeting, its gonna last more than one chapter :D



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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey!! Forever here with a tiny review!!

This was a good continuation of the previous part and I enjoyed reading it. These siblings surely have cat's eyes. Like they seem to be not very uncomfortable finding paths in complete darkness. Like moving in a decent manner without stumbling here and there is quite a talent. Okay I just wonder how they were turning all the corners without striking with the wall. I would like a bit of clarification on the topic.

They continued through three more turns, heading deep into the center of camp and, if the slight slope was any indication, deep into the heart of the Earth as well

This is very interesting. Deep into the heart of the Earth. I don't really know if the slope was really any indication but it doesn't seem to me. Like a slope can't lead someone to the heart of the Earth. I didn't understand this quite well but waiting to find it out in the upcoming parts.

Now they are gonna fix a date for their mission. I hope it would be as soon as possible because I am really afraid that another ship might strike and interrupt or worse, the aliens might notice the wiring problem due to some issues and fix it. If that happens, their mission will totally be a failure after all these plannings. The thing I am the most interested with is how many people are actually gonna escape? Obviously, not the whole humanity but if the whole humanity knows about it, there is a good chance that some chaotic situation can be encountered by them.

Let's see if their mission succeeds and also I am quite interested to see what question the people are gonna ask them as they are pretty important here. After all, they are the one who actually gave the trace which is leading to all the hopes in the minds. Best of luck for the planning!

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Oh they're just used to walking around in the dark by this point :D

That just means they're going underground. :D

Thanks again!!





Oh, got it. How can I be so stupid, oof



KateHardy says...


:)




“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables