Published June 25, 2011
Your vision's blurred,
The world obscured,
By snow that's falling,
Feathers spirialing upward in the wind,
Someday they'll fall back down again.
Your vision's hazy,
The world's gone crazy,
Fires are burning,
Ashes blackening the empty, tainted sky,
Rain falling as if the world could cry.
Blood taints the pure white snow,
Blood stains the solid earth.
Blood mists your visions edge,
Blood on your hands, blood in your head,
Blood of the broken, blood of the dead.
What will heal this world,
Isn't more bloodshed.
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138,840 Literary Works • 672,331 Reviews
Hello! I like this poem! I really enjoy reading it! I really like the imagery and how concrete it is. For example,
"Your vision's blurred,
The world obscured,
By snow that's falling,
Feathers spirialing upward in the wind,
Someday they'll fall back down again."
This really shows the imagery and how concrete the poem is. Although, I notice you wrote "spirialing," I think you meant "spiraling."
Also, I noticed you rhyme throughout the poem. That's good, but it's like my high school teacher always says, you either rhyme or you don't rhyme. In other words, you either keep your rhyme scheme consistent or you don't. The reason I say this is because I notice you alter your rhyme scheme a lot throughout the poem. You must always rhyme the same way you started rhyming, which is rhyme the first line with the second one, you can't just alter your rhyme scheme completely. Although, you can alter your rhyme scheme just a bit, but only once can you do this.
I also really like the ending! Very philosophical! I like the tone, which is very authoritative and omniscient because of the ending. I do like this poem a lot. I also like how short this poem is. The length of the poem emphasizes its message.
Anyway, I hope you keep writing poetry! I also hope my review will help you in the long run!
Here to review! ^^
I like your imagery and the message you convey, though at first it seems as though you aren't conveying a message at all. Personally, I'm not a fan of rhyming in poetry. Your rhyming in particular seems a bit random, and a little forced at times. Your rhyming of "hazy" and "crazy", I have to say, is my least favorite. For whatever reason, I've always hated those two words as a rhyme. Don't ask me why.
As I was saying, though, the rhyming seems randomly placed, and also the structure seems to change in places. That's a little distracting.
Hope I helped!
>>Annie<<
Helloo Katarina!
Here I am again XD I really like this write and I like the message behind it. Okay, that was actually all I have to say XD Good work! I have nothing to criticize about. XD
My favorite stanza in this is:
Sorry, I know this isn't really helpful XD
-qaralynn-
Hi ya Katrina,
So I really love your poetry and I am definitely an avid follower. One small issue I have with this poem is the comas. They seem to slow it down slightly and take away from the flow, just in my opinion. The first two paragraphs seemed a different style than the last one but they were similar enough to go together well.
Spirialing should be spiraling I think, and I know it's poetry and so very visual and not literal but the spiraling upward part was a little odd, most things spiral downward, though that would make the next line ineffective. Maybe you could try wording it a little differently?
This part was my favorite part. You have such a way with words, it's mesmerizing. Keep up the amazing work Kat!
~Dakota Knight
Wow again, I really like this. You have beautiful talent at conveying your message through poetry. I really like your description in this one, with the blood and the landscape/tears. You use rich figurative language, which makes my heart happy
haha sorry it's hard to find people who use great description in poetry nowadays.
Keep writing!
<3 Sara