Somewhere deep inside,
I keep crying.
Pain cuts like a knife,
my soul is dying.
I don't know what it is,
I keep falling.
How did it get like this?
My heart is calling.
These wings that used to fly,
are now hanging.
This mask I hide behind,
has started breaking.
Why can't my broken wings,
carry me away?
Far from my broken dreams,
and this cursed reality?
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Canary word: Present
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hello! This was really good to me. I really enjoyed the rhyme scheme in this piece which is unusual for me, because rhyme schemes feel forced most of the time. Your poem didn't convey that feeling of stress at all. Also, your word choice was impressive, but at some points a little cliché. The feelings behind the words were something that I could relate to in my poetry, so I really liked that.
This poem didn't bring enough emotion to the reader in my opinion. It did to a certain extent because of the word choice, but it has the potential, I think, to bring a lot more. Even if you keep some things in the poem, you could add a whole different world of emotions with some changes. Next time you have free time, you might want to take a look at this, and maybe add the reasons behind the feelings to give the reader a little more to go on.
Overall, though, I really liked it.
Hi kat
Time for a review, as promised. I have to agree totally with the previous reviewer: this poem was in all honesty decent, nothing more. I felt little emotion, perhaps because the content was extremely cliched. Sorry if this is sounding harsh, but to improve your poem I would start all over again. Think deeper: what is the underlying message? Go beyond broken wings and masks and hearts - think of an original way to describe the pain, one, preferably, that doesn't 'give' the reader everything, but rather leaves a little to interpretation. A good poem is one that leaves an impression on the reader. This, unfortunately, will not.
To help you, I would suggest perhaps reading a poem called 'this room' by Imatiz Dhaker (google it). Notice how beautifully yet cryptically she paints a picture of surreal happiness. I know your topic is pain, but, it may help you in the areas that I mentioned before. Anyways, kat, keep writing and report back to me if you need anything,
-Alia
Its a decent piece. You manage a lyrical and heavy style quite well and your words rhyme without stumbling over each other. I must say it is a rather cliche piece, broken wings, torn heart, etc.It's fine to have pieces that deal with depression and darkness but they must be done in a way that is fresh and original for the reader. This is a solid piece, don't get me wrong, but if a more personal connection were formed (I can't connect with something i've heard 100 times before) then it would be much stronger. Dig deep into yourself and you can bring up an even stronger piece. Well done.
Ok, this is a very common theme in poetry it seems, the 'poor me' approach, everybody seems to do it once in a while, just because, well to be blunt: shit happens. And the easiest way to express it is through an outpouring of emotions, which you did in this piece, which is what I loved about it. Best part:
Great job, Keep Writing!
Hello, Tory here you reviewed one of my pieces so I though I would return the favor.
I loved the flow this poem had and the grammar was spotless. Although I would recommend some variation to the stanza's, each one had a pattern in grammar: Statement comma, Elaboration period. Which can be a good and a bad thing, but in this poem it worked.
Okay I'm sorry but this poem was really great so I am going to knit-pick. Ready?
I recommend breaking up contractions, it enhances the sentence, making it seem fancy I guess haha, well written.
My favorite line was definitely:
That is why I decided to knit-pick it. The emotions were beautiful, you made me feel what I wonder you were feeling when you wrote this. Remember you know you are good when someone knit-picks and focuses on the details. Keep writing please!?
- Tory
Hi-ya!!! Your piece has a wonder flow to it! It never seemed like you were forcing any words to fit your scheme. The simplicity of it makes it a wonderful read! There's raging emotion in the few words in each stanza that scream for attention in each line. Very Brilliant!!! I look forward to reading your work!! Keep it up!
Hi Kat,
Thanks for letting me know you posted some work. Wow, it was very good. I love reading/writing "ballads of the heart". I liked it because it could either be a poem or lyrics to a song (I guess that's why it's called lyrical poetry eh? I'm not an expert of poetry but the format looks well laid and the rhythm and rhyme flow nicely and don't seem forced at all, something that sometimes happens while rhyming:) Keep up the awesome work!
~Dakota Knight
Well, I really don't know much at all about poetry, but I thought this was awesome!! I really liked the lines,
Anyway, I thought you were able to convey emotions through your poem, and it seemed to flow pretty nicely, too. Again, I don't know anything about poems. Anyway, I really liked it! Keep me posted if you write anything else! I'd love to critique it if I can
~Tayla