There is a name that I know,
placed lightly on miscarried tongues
and there it lounges faithfully so
till embracing lovers' songs are sung.
Often used to bait the weak,
known to poison holy breath,
a secret that the modest keep,
the sultry, steaming, kiss of death.
Yes there in our bedsheets lie,
one more than your eyes can see,
hidden in the yearning sighs
his calling circles endlessly.
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138,861 Literary Works • 672,355 Reviews
Hello,
Thanks for requesting a review; I am finally here! this will be the shortest review ever, unfortunately. I loved this poem, and I really see no which way that I would perfect it because I already think it is so well written. If you have any uestions or need another review feel free to ask.
Have a great day,
Tiffany
I really have nothing particularly constructive to add; I was just overjoyed when I understood what the subject of the poem was. I would like comment that I didn't realize there was a rhyme scheme until I read the comments; but that is probably my own shortcoming in my reading of the poem.
In all honestly, I do kind of think this line is a tad awkward
But since it has to rhyme, I guess it can't be helped. Like everyone else said, your rhyming is really effortless and your poem is not opaque in meaning. It is concise, full of vivid imagery, and has a wonderful ending.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be of more help. Then again I'm not, because if this needed more help it would have been a less enjoyable experience to read.
Keep up the great work.
Wow. Very nice poem there. The first two stanzas had my breath bated and everything. Very--dark, I suppose. And I quite like dark. It made me think of some fantasy novel with a gray-dress-wearing heroine and a drafty old castle with some mysterious sickbay--which proves any idea gets warped into a novel in my mind. I apologize for that.
Otherwise, the last stanza was good. You managed to keep a subtle, pushing rhyme throughout it all. Yet, the last few lines didn't sit quite right with me. They work, but something about them bothers me. -squints- I don't know. I'm definitely not at your level, so I'll leave that alone.
So, yeah. Great job and keep up the good work, eh?
-Cspr
This was a very short, heartful, to the point poem. I find it touching and free. Your rhyme scheme, is not forced at all, but I find that it disturbs the emotion of the poem itself just a little. But otherwise, excellent job. #Following Indie
Hello again Kat!
Honored to have you as my first review since coming back! I suppose you know my ways so I'll get to it.
Overall: There isn't much to say. The grammar was taken care of, the language was good, and the rhythm was great as well. I really liked it. You managed to make a very beautiful, and full piece of art in just three brief stanzas. Congratz, and let me know if you ever want another review. This one is a little bland because there wasn't much to change or comment on.
-HostofHorus
This poem is great considering how much you were able to condense into three brief stanzas, while also giving the air of lightness. Definitely fun to read. Your rhyming worked well for the poem's flow and wasn't forced, which is refreshing to read. Not to mention the original title that perfectly sets the tone for this poem and kind of hints at the subject. Another great aspect was how the narrator's voice seemed to be speaking right at me, dangling me from the end of every line. Practically turning me on with your sensuous syntax. I love the line "placed lightly on miscarried tongues," and "hidden in the yearning sighs." Overall the tonality was pretty air tight, and effortless.
One little nit pick of mine however is your use of the phrase "kiss of death," which sounded so cliche and unlike the rest of the poem, verging on laziness. And lastly (this is minor and subjective) the climax of the poem was a little weak compared to the rising action so to speak. More specifically, the pace is the same through out and just ends.
No grammar or spelling mistakes, which is a rare relief. Great job Kat.
Wow, it's obvious you're a gifted poet. The only nitpick I have is that the apostrophe should be after the word "lovers" in the first stanza because you're talking about multiple lovers. I think. Unless you're talking about one singular lover. In which case it would be fine.
I don't think you need to be told that your poem flowed well or that your imagery was fantastic. You probably know that already. This is one of those poems where, as a reviewer on YWS, you just have to take it as it comes, appreciate its awesomeness, and let it be without tearing it apart too much. It's great to begin with and there's no changing it. Keep writing!
-Abigail
Hey there,
This poem flowed really well, and your rhyme scheme was subtle and didn't seem forced. I really liked your first stanza, and your first three lines are definitely my favorites. I liked how it was short and sweet, but at the same time I'm left with almost an ominous feeling.
The imagery here was very well done too, I don't feel overwhelmed with it at all, but it still is described well.
Overall, it was very well done!
Cheers,
Indie