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Young Writers Society



Heartless: Chapter Two ^^

by KatKage


(Ok, so in real time I wrote Chapter 1+2 at the same time as one chapter ^^ But to spare everyone from one long read (and to ensure people won't leave cause it's too long <u>) I cut it in two X3 It actually works well, so not much is lost by doing thing ^u^ I will repeat again: the MC is a GUY.<u>'' I don't make that clear until later this chapter <u>'' And yes, I posted one and two really close to one another, but I'm not sure when I'll get chapter 3 <u>'' (Maybe it might come quicker with encouragement? *inncocent face >u>*) You don't have to write a full review if you want, but maybe if you read this you could leave a comment, yeah? ^^'' (Pwease? <u>)

Anyway, Here's Chapter 2! XD)

Chapter Two

For a moment we were in the dark as I sat on my butt for the second time that night. All of a sudden the lights switched on revealing a ginormous room, filled to the brim with random stuff.

The walls were a pale pink color, but you could barely see them because they were covered everywhere. There were drapes all across them, most of them a rich, dark, pink/magenta color. Most of them were mismatched as if they had been taken from different places. There were books and magazines everywhere and on everything. Some were lying open while others were shoved into where ever they would fit. There also was a dresser over flowing with clothes with a big pile of jewelry on top. Above it was a mirror, mostly covered with different photos.

There was an enormous circular bed on one side with silky pink see-through curtains hanging around it. It looked like it was made for a princess. There was even a big heart on the covers. On it were at least twenty stuffed animals pilled on the sides of the pillow.

On the side opposite of the bed was a couch in front of a large flat screen TV. All around the TV were video-game systems of every kind, plus piles of DVD cases. I saw everything from Call of Duty to Mario to House to some anime series I may have heard of before. Next to all of that was even some work-out equipment. My fingers curled into the soft fibers of the carpet.

Who or what ever this girl was, she was living in style.

After turning on the lights she walked over to the bed and leapt onto it, sighing as she landed on her stomach and sank down at least a few inches. The lights that were her eyes dimmed a bit as I realized that that was her equivalent of closing them.

“What -exactly- are you?” I managed to breathe out after a few seconds of catching my breath and looking around.

She turned and regarded me with those creepy eyes. It took all my will not to shrink away. She might have saved me, but she still freaked me out.

In a flash she sat up Indian-style on the edge of the bed, smiling at me. She reached up and placed her hand on the top edge of her tank top.

“I’m a Heartless.” She replied

I furrowed my eyebrows.“A what?”

“Heartless.” She said in delight as she pulled down.

I looked away quickly covering my eyes with one of my hands, for modesty’s sake. Ultimately though, curiosity got the better of me and I peeked through a crack in my fingers.

It wasn’t pulled down far enough to be immodest but I could see plain it as day, under her collar bone, and over to the left a little. There was this enormous splotch, inkier and blacker than the rest of her skin, right above where her heart should be.

She watched me as my hands dropped along with my jaw at the sight of it. After a few more seconds she released the shirt and it went back to its regular place.

“What does that mean?”I said, still staring in shock at where the black mark was.

“It means I don’t have a heart. I took the name from a video game I’ve played before. Ever hear of Kingdom Hearts?”

I only had a small second to shake my head before she continued.

“Well, in the game the most common bad-guys are the Heartless. They’re these little black dudes that look kinda like bugs. They don’t have a heart, so they go after those who do and take them, turning the victims into Heartless as well. Like the others, outside. It’s not the same, but it’s close.”

I nodded slowly. It made sense. Although I doubted she really didn’t have a heart, something made them like this. I’ve seen them go after normal people, turning them into things like them. I shivered.

“But don’t lump me in with the others.” She crossed her arms. She murmured, “I’m more of a Nobody than a Heartless.”

“A what?”

She smiled, eyes dimming for a moment as she shook her head. “Never mind.”

Standing up she walked over to me. “And you, my friend,” she reached down, her hand hovering over my chest “still have your heart.” Her hand moved forwards as if to touch it, making me back up, my own hand covering it.

She threw her head back and laughed, standing up straight. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to take your heart. Don’t think I can anyway.” She looked down at me.“You gonna get up or you just gonna sit on your butt all night?”

Although she reached her hand down to help me up I pushed myself to my feet. Despite her reassurances I didn’t want to risk it. She smiled and turned, walking over to a door I didn’t notice before and stepped into another room.

Debating whether or not I should follow her, I started to walk over to the other room when she came out and tossed something in my direction. When I caught it I saw it was a water bottle.

“I assume you want a drink?” She commented as she sat back on the bed, opening her own bottle. After a few moments of me staring at the bottle she said “I didn’t spit in it, I swear. It’s never been opened before.”

I shrugged and opened it, gulping down half the bottle in a second. I was thirstier than I thought.

She smiled and pointed to the couch “You can sit there, ya know. It’s not going to eat you. I’m pretty sure it still has its heart.” She giggled at her joke.

I sat down cautiously.

“You really are twitchy, aren’t you?” She said, cocking her head to the side slightly.

“Can you blame me?” I laughed nervously.

Her smile widened at my small attempt at humor. She threw something to me again and closer inspection revealed it was a bag of chips.

“I also assume that’s what you were looking for when you were worshiping the fridge?”

I felt a blush spread across my cheeks as I realized she had seen all that. She laughed hysterically.

After she regained herself and bit into what looked like a chocolate bar, she said “So boy-who-worships-refrigerators, do you have a name?”

“Oh, um, Peter.” I stammered out. It was slightly troubling, the fact that it took me a more than a few seconds to remember my own name. I haven’t used it in weeks. There was no one to talk to. Till now, that is.

I could swear she narrowed her eyes, but there was no way to tell. She was quiet for a moment longer before she nodded.

“Got it. Although you look more like a Kiyoshi than a rock.”

“What?”

“Never mind.” She said, smiling in secret satisfaction.

I narrowed my eyes slightly, looking down at my half empty chip bag in slight confusion. What’s a Kiyoshi?

After a few moments of silence I remembered to ask, “Oh, what’s your name?”

“My name,” she said with a fake accent, putting her hand on her chest all majestic looking, obviously enjoying this “is Zuri. But you can call me Zi.”

I chuckled at her little performance. Her smile widened and she laughed to.

Suddenly she clapped her hands together. “Well, I think it’s time to sleep.”

She got up and walked over another door I didn’t notice before, cracking it open slightly so some light from inside it poured into the room. “This is the bathroom, in case you need to use it.” She walked over to the first door and opened it too. “You can sleep on the couch. That,” she pointed to the enormous bed, “is mine, obviously.”

“Really?” I said, a little doubtful as she walked over to the double doors in the ceiling and climbed the ladder up to them.

She stopped and turned to look at me for a moment. “You don’t seriously think I’d make you leave, do you? I may be Heartless, but I’m not heartless.”She continued climbing and checked the lock on the doors, leaving me to think about that for a moment.

Jumping down she walked over to the light switch and turned the lights off. Although it was a lot darker, you could still see almost everything from the lights pouring out from the two doors. She climbed onto her bed and made her way across it to a nightstand. Reaching over, she turned on a slightly dimmed lamp.

My eyes widened as I realized in a jolt that she was afraid of the dark. She didn’t notice my little epiphany as she crawled under her covers and placed her head on the pillow. I watched as her eyes dimmed until I could barely make them out. Her breathing slowed until it was deep and rhythmic. She was asleep.

I had two options now. I could leave on the fact that although she looked more human than the others, she’s still a Heartless and could be dangerous. She might just be a smart one, making me trust her until I was lulled into a sense of security.

Or I could stay here. This was the first break I’ve had in weeks, not to mention the first time I’ve been able to even talk to someone else besides myself. She didn’t seem evil or anything. Not to mention that she saved my butt and then took me to her secret hiding place, where I’m pretty sure she’d been hiding out since this began, or since she became . . . what she is.

I shivered. Why wasn’t she like the others?

I left the thought alone, too weird to think about and looked at her as I pondered further about what I should do. After a moment, something caught my eye. In between a stuffed blue elephant and a big gray bunny-looking thing, with her hand resting on one of its corners, was a Bible.

I blinked. Stay here it is then.


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94 Reviews


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Sun Feb 24, 2013 6:30 am
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Nook wrote a review...



Hey, Kat-chan! X3 I'll be your reviewer tonight!

I FINALLY got to read your piece, and I've to to admit, it's amazing! :D It just just screams YOU! (And a splash of Rick Riordan, of course ;) )

I love both of the characters. They have a lot of substance. Unlike most book M.Cs I see these days. :/ Zi is funky and sassy and funny. And Peter is is quiet, contemplative and cautious.

Yup. XD The story's pretty engaging too. I'm still lost, but I guess that's just what makes me even more curious.

I honestly can't find any structural or grammatical errors, so, props to you, my good lady! Be as bright as a meteor explosion in every attempt at writing! Blind us with a flash!

You're not very far off right now. ;) Oh yeah... What's Kiyoshi? Could that possibly be an Avatar: TLA reference? O.o




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 6:22 am
Omni wrote a review...



Here to review!

My name is Omniyus, and I will be reviewing your work today!

...ginormous room, filled to the brim with random stuff


I just wanted you to know that ginormous isn't a real word xD

The walls were a pale pink color, but you could barely see them because they were covered everywhere. There were drapes all across them, most of them a rich, dark, pink/magenta color. Most of them were mismatched as if they had been taken from different places. There were books and magazines everywhere and on everything. Some were lying open while others were shoved into where ever they would fit. There also was a dresser over flowing with clothes with a big pile of jewelry on top. Above it was a mirror, mostly covered with different photos.


I wouldn't get that much information from the wall when it was mostly covered. Maybe leave out a little bit of details about the wall, it will make more sense.

I left the thought alone, too weird to think about and looked at her as I pondered further about what I should do.


I think you could put a period after to think about and just have two sentences there to separate the thought and the rest of the sentence.

I am really intrigued with this story. I must admit I haven't read the first chapter, but this chapter is nice. I really like it and I think you should do a third chapter.

A tip for when you're writing. Having casual conversation is great, it shows signs of a great author. However, don't let that casual type of writing interfere with anything that ins't dialogue.

Hope you write more and I hope this helped.
Omniyus.




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Wed Jan 09, 2013 4:16 am
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MythWriter99 wrote a review...



Okay so I still love the story line, it's fun and interesting. I love the fun bubbly personality of Zi, she's so cute. Wow that's a weird thing to say about a monster. I am still wondering what the setting is, so I recommend revealing that in a Prologue that explains what happened to make the world in your book the way it is. But other than that I love the story and can't wait to read more!




KatKage says...


Yeah, Zi is defenetly special X3 She's one of my favorite characters that I ever made X3 And yeah, as I mentioned before, I'll probably make a prologue at some point, but I wanted people to read this first X3
Thank you for reading and commenting on the second chapter too!! XD



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Tue Jan 08, 2013 10:52 pm
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Tizpi says...



This is a very remarkable piece of writing. (This is more of a comment) I was really pulled in from the first piece. I really would like to se more of this.

The only thing I can say review wise is to spell-check. One other thing is that every once in awhile you have a short sentence that seems like it should be longer and more descriptive.

I lovvvved this story. It's so interesting and unique (it does seem to fall under the kingdom hearts though. Does not mean it is though)




KatKage says...


(Yeah, spelling isn't my strong point <u>'' And thank you for the advice on the short sentences X3 I didn't notice that XD)

Thank you so much for Reading and Commenting!! XD
I hope to get the next Chapter up soon X3
Again, Thank You!! XD




A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.
— Markus Zusak, The Book Thief