
Eve,
Meet me at the place. You know where that is. I have news for you, and I am assume you have news for me. The boy with brown hair and blue eyes and the girl with the blond hair and hazel eyes will escort you.
Adaire
Eve stuffed the letter into her pocket with a sigh. Even in a letter her sister managed to pull off a distant tone. She didn't even care to know the 'boy with the blue eyes' and the 'girl with blond hair and blue eyes' names. Eve never expected her to change, in fact, she always acted like someone from the 1800's-even though she didn't look like one. Adaire had grey eyes, small lips, and was the same height as Eve. She was always accompanied by her 'servants' (the boy with brown hair and the girl with blond hair with blue eyes.)
When Eve came to report to Adaire, her servants often would be crouching in corners, trembling, never speaking. Eve pitied them. Nobody deserved to be crushed by her sister's cold glare. Once, when Eve had come to visit, they were acting very...strange. She was faintly aware of the wind howling around her as she slipped into the memory.
As Eve stepped into the foyer, she noticed two hunched figures in the corner of the hall-Adaire's servants. They were sitting side by side on the silk carpet, their shoulders touching. As Eve passed them, the girl whispered "Bad dragon,"
Eve halted immediantly, crouching next to the girl. Eve said, "What did you say?" The girl looked back at her with big, azure eyes. Her hands trembled. The boy bit his lip as if he knew something was wrong. She turned her head away from Eve, closing her eyes as she repeated it again.
"Don't say it. Please," the other servant begged the girl. Eve was utterly silent, taking in the odd scene before her. The girl, still trembling, rested her head on the boy's shoulder. Tears rolled down her face.
Is she alright? mouthed Eve to the boy. He shook his head, as he mouthed back, I don't know what she did to her. Eve's mouth dropped open, instantly knowing who he meant. Self-conciously, she closed her mouth again. Of course it was Adaire-it was always her. The servant girl whimpered.
"You're talking about me," the girl sobbed.
"It's okay. I'll talk to Adaire, and everything will be better.." Eve soothed the servant girl. The boy mouthed a Good luck to Eve as she stood back up.
The memory slowly faded away in her mind like the snow that had gradually stopped. Most of the trees were layered in snow, some of them so full of snow the trees were practically bending under its weight. The snow covered ground made it quite difficult to trek through it. Only about ten minutes more, Eve reassured herself. It couldn't be that hard to find; she'd visted it many times before.
Wrong. The forest was literally a laybrinthe. The sun was setting, dusk already approaching fast. Sudden howls interrupted her thoughts. Sprinting, she followed the howls of what she suspected were wolves. A clearing appeared before her as she came to a sudden halt. There in the clearing lay a pack of wolves, larger than most of their kind. They were piled on top of each other, some of their heads propped on their paws. One black, matted wolf lay on its back, paws daintily reaching towards the sky.
I might as well, Eve thought to herself as she approached the wolves carefully. The wolf with the midnight pelt grumbled, opening an eye to the stranger that suddenly awoke its sleep. The wolf closed its eye, rolling over, the wolf's back facing Eve. She slid inbetween a tawny wolf flecked with black and a scrawny, grey wolf. The wolves took barely any notice of her presence as she cuddled in their fur.
The wolves' fur was so fluffy, it literally felt like a cloud. No later then five minutes did she fall into a restless sleep-except for the dream.
Eve, once again, was approaching the servant boy and girl as they crouched in the shadows. This time, though, they seemed confident and fearless. The girl stood up, brushing off her pants. She jerked her head to the nearest door.
"She should be in there. Have at it," Eve silently strolled in the room, candles filling the room with light, an elegant red carpet placed in the middle of the small room. There stood a feeble old woman, crouching on the ground. She had white, scraggly hair, yet her hazel eyes were alight with excitement.
"Bad dragon!" she cried out. This time, it was not the servant girl who spoke of a 'bad dragon' but an old woman. A hand shoved Eve from behind. She stumbled, regaining her balance. Turning, she saw Adaire standing in the doorway. She bared sharp incisors.
"Am I the dragon that you speak of?" Adaire laughed, echoing in the small room. She took a step forward, inches away to Eve's face. Suddenly, flames erupted from her mouth, inches away from engulfing her,just as the dream ended.
Eve awoke to a almost blinding sun and birds chirping trainquil songs; the complete opposite of her dream. The scrawny grey wolf grumbled, flipping over to face Eve, placing one heavy paw on her back. Perhaps just one more nap, Eve thought lazily as she cuddled closer to the grey, scrawny wolf. She pushed the thoughts of the dream out of her mind.
Cuddling with the wolf was basically the same thing as cuddling with a cat;at least that's what Eve thought. She buried her head into the wolf's 'mane' that circled its neck like a lion. Eve, suddenly remembering she had to meet Adaire today, carefully shoved the wolf's paw off her back. It groaned in protest.
"I'll come back to you later today. Perhaps we can...play together," she inclined her head to the wolf, a sign of respect. The wolf closed its eyes in satisfaction. Brushing a couple of grey wolf hairs off of her brown jacket, she began to trek through the deep snow towards where the castle might be.
An expectant voice called out to her. "I'm right here! Do you realize you're late?" Eve recognized the voice immediantly. It was Adaire. With a hand on her hip, she leaned against the door, her mouth pursed into a thin line. Adaire rolled her eyes. "Well! Don't stand there and stare at me!" she yelled.
Snob. Eve almost wished she could say it to her face. "HURRY UP! STOP STARING!" she screamed. Eve gritted her teeth in annoyance. She stepped into the looming shadow of the ancient castle. Adaire caught up with her pace, sauntering ahead of her like she ruled the world. Eve stomped up the winding staircase. Torn banners hung from the top of the staircase.
At the top of the stairs, there stood the servants, bowing. They were dressed in tattered cloaks that hung off their limp bodies. "Here to serve you, master." the girl whispered. Adaire sneered as she passed the girl. Eve gulped, turning around for a moment.
"I'll get you out of here when Adaire is done being a snob," she muttered under her breath. The boy looked up at her with piercing blue eyes. Eve caught up to Adaire's brusque pace. She shoved open a rusty door that was pratically hanging off its hinges. It was nearly empty except for the luxurious red couch and brown, wooden chair. Adaire stayed standing, and so did Eve. They stared each other down for a moment; Adaire's eyes cold and calculating, Eve's wary.
"So. Report to me." Adaire demanded, her arms folded.
"I found an amulet-thingy," She fished out a golden amulet linked to silver painted with gold. Adaire held out a hand as Eve handed it to her. She turned it over, scrutinizing the dark swirls that appeared in the middle of the amulet.
"What a hoax," she said, throwing it across the room with a hint of dissapointment.
"A hoax? Why-how is it..It's just an amulet," her voice trailed off. It was just a dumb necklace, but definently not a hoax. Adaire sighed, with a your-so-stupid look on her face.
"Would a real amulet, that's made of solid gold, really have dark spirals in it? How useless.." she shook her head, a scowl twisting her features. "Where did you get such a thing?" Eve frowned.
"Where did you get such a thing?"
Eve frowned. "Ummm, I think it was from a couch."
Adaire laughed, mocking her. She grinned. "You're so dumb sometimes, I swear. Now try and tell me where it's actually from."
Eve gritted her teeth again. What nerve Adaire had!
"It was from a couch!" she screamed, her voice rising. "What more do you want from me? I don't want to spy for you!" Adaire stood there, dumbfounded for a moment. Her triumphant grin faded. No more then a moment did she regain it. Snickering to herself, Adaire strutted out of the room. Moments later, she returned with a Moonbeam in her hand.
"Then maybe," she toyed with the surface of the Moonbeam, "I'll just have to tell them that you're misbehaving, sister," maliciousness dripped from her voice. It was a small sphere with a silvery glow emnating around it like an aura, dials surronding its back and front.
"Fine." Eve's voice was barely audible. A wide, toothy grin spread across her face.
"Now tell me-how did you get the amulet?" Eve's voice was dull as she attempted to restrain her fury.
"Some girl-brown hair, emerald eyes, I think. I found her walking in the streets with it in her hands. I believe it was from her friend's couch...I distracted her by telling her the amulet 'wasn't from here'. Then I stole it," Adaire nodded, satisfied with the information. The Moonbeam was flashing silvery light over her palm. Adaire looked down at the object with a sigh of relief.
"I'll tell Cato; he's calling me now anyway," She swiped her hand at Eve. "I don't need you anymore. I expect you to come back with information of her friend. Leave," Eve walked out of the room, banging the door behind her. The servants were still waiting in the hallway. When they looked at her, it was almost like all the hope had been sucked out of them; their eyes downcast, frowns on their faces.
The boy looked up at her, clutching the girl's shoulder in an awkward pose that looked like a side hug. She's crying again? Eve mouthed. He nodded. "We're getting out of here. But we have to be quiet, okay?" she whispered to the girl. She opened her eyes, startled at Eve's sudden appearance.
"Okay," the girl said. Eve scanned the hallway, her eyes landing on two cloaks flung on the banister, light grey and black. She handed the grey one to the boy, and the grey one to the girl. She took it with shaking hands.
"What's your name?" Eve asked the girl. The servant girl tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear.
"I don't have one," she mumbled. Eve tried to think of something she could say to comfort the girl, but all she could say was 'oh'. Eve didn't want to stress her even more by asking why. "His name is Dustin," she said quietly. He was still shrugging on his coat when she said that. Eve was positive he pretended not to hear her, for what reason, she didn't know. "Ready?"
"Yeah," Dustin said, speaking aloud for the first time. The nameless girl didn't answer, like Dustin had already spoke for her. Eve went first, rushing down the stairs and nearly tripped down one of the steps. She waited at the door until they caught up. When Eve opened the door, a cold gust of wind blew inside.
They reluctantly followed after her. "The wolves will guide us back..I don't really have anywhere to stay, so I guess we can just stay in a hotel when we get back. Adaire gave me enough money..."
"Wolves?" the girl asked excitedly. She eyed the snow and trees like she'd never seen them before. It was actually possible she hadn't-Adaire didn't care about them at all. In fact, they looked underfed.
"Yeah. I slept with them earlier. I'm sorry about my sister, by the way. She's disgusting," The girl didn't answer, but just stared at her feet as she walked.
"Sorry to ask-but, what does mast-she do? Do you work for her, too?" This time it was Dustin. He caught up to her swift pace, and so did the girl. He looked at Eve with curiousity, waiting for an answer.
"Um, well..I spy for her. If I don't do it, then she...I didn't want to do it."
"Oh. Okay." He forced a smile and looked away at two deers grazing on blades of grass beneath the snow. Her mind wandered to the thoughts of her dream. It was probably just something about her encounter with the servant girl. Dustin said something was wrong with her-but what? She seemed perfectly alright now. Maybe she could ask him later.
A realization came to her, one she hadn't thought of before. Adaire would notice her servants were missing at some point. And might blame her. Eve chewed her lip. Howls interrupted her thoughts. Dustin jumped when he heard the wolve's calls-probably it had startled him. "Found them. Let's go." Eve said as she raced towards the echoes of the howls.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
'Ello, Aleta here for a review.

) But you've told us already that she's screaming. The caps overdo it a bit I'm afraid. As long as you have the dialogue tag that says she's screaming, you don't need the caps.

Ooooooh, I like the image at the top! Is that like the cover or something? Very nice!
So we have a new perspective here. Very interesting. There are also new characters, ones we haven't even seen mentioned before. Of course, that's totally expected seeing as this is the beginning of the novel. I can't wait to see what they're like and how they relate to the other characters!
Meet me at the 'place'. You know where that is.
If she knows where the place is, why would there be quotation marks around it? Usually that's used when something is being called something out of the ordinary. But if it's usually called the place, those don't need to be there. To both Eve and Adaire, the 'place' is just the place. It's not something that needs to be pointed out as being different.
By the way, I love the name Adaire. I just think it's so pretty!
"Bad dragon!" she cried out. This time, it was not the servant girl who spoke of a 'bad dragon' but an old woman.
This part confused me. Was it Eve that shouted 'bad dragon' or someone else in the room? I assumed that it was Eve because Adrian pushed her quickly after. But I'm still not totally sure. I think it's the 'old woman' part throwing me off.
"Where did you get such a thing?" Eve frowned.
"Ummm, I think it was from a couch," Adaire laughed, mocking me. She grinned.
"Your so dumb sometimes, I swear. Now try and tell me where it was actually from," Eve gritted her teeth again. What nerve she had.
This part of the dialogue was a bit confusing. What confused me was that you have Adaire's reactions written at the end of Eve's dialogue and Eve's reactions written at the end of Adaire's dialogue. That made me think that Adaire was really saying what Eve was saying. My suggestion is start a new paragraph with each character's reactions. Like thi:
"Where did you get such a thing?"
Eve frowned. "Ummm, I think it was from a couch."
Adaire laughed, mocking her. She grinned. "You're so dumb sometimes, I swear. Now try and tell me where it's actually from."
Eve gritted her teeth again. What nerve Adaire had!
Written this way, it's easier for the reader to understand who's saying what. Reactions to dialogue are a great thing, but you have to be sure that you line them up right with the right dialogue. I also corrected a few things, I put them in red. Just little things I pointed out
Hm, so Eve was the one who took the necklace from Aurora? Interesting. The lives of these four characters are intertwining much earlier than I thought! This should be good.
"IT WAS FROM A COUCH!" she screamed, her voice rising. "WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I DON'T WANT TO SPY FOR YOU!"
All caps is a tricky thing in writing. To the reader, all caps MEANS THAT THEY'RE SHOUTING! (you totally read that in a shouting voice, didn't you?
Wow, Adaire is definitely one giant... yeah, I think you know what I want to call her xD She's obviously someone important, but she doesn't even treat her servants right or act like she should for being so important. What gives her the right to be such a jerk all of the time? Nothing.
One thing I'm a tad bit concerned about is her relationship with Eve. They're sisters, right? So there must be some kind of bond they've created over the years. It's not like Adaire came out of the womb hating her sister. There had to be a time in their life when they were best friends. Or at least close to it. So as you move forward with this, try and find some kind of connection between them. I just think it won't be so believable if they just hate each other like this for the entire novel. There always has to be something that links them back to being sisters. Adaire is evil, sure, but she has a soft spot for her sister. I just know it. Of course, if that's not the way you planned it, just ignore me. I'm just giving you my two cents. Doesn't mean you have to take it
Overall you've got a nice beginning here. Combined with the first chapter, we really learn a lot about this story. First of all, there's some sort of magic or force that controls something or other in this world. How else would the Moonbeam work? Secondly, there's an evil ruler out there -- at least I think Adaire is the ruler, I don't think it's actually mentioned. That's bound to start some trouble. And then there's this amulet. In the first chapter I thought it was something important, but now I'm not so sure. Adaire thinks it's a hoax and I might actually believe here.
Cheers!
I swear I'll get to this, but give me some time okay?
Hey,
First off I really like the little piece of artwork at the top, I think it is a nice touch. I really liked the play on Adam and Eve as well. Of course this is a review and this is a long story so lets get started on nitpicks shall we;
I think it goes with out saying this should be visit.
This should be immediately
Here you should really use italics. Also a comma
Consciously
Delete a period here.
she'd visted it many
should be visited
literally a laybrinthe. The sun
Should be labyrinth
slid inbetween
needs a space
No later then five
should be than here
engulfing her,just as
space after comma
chirping trainquil songs
Should be Tranquil
That's it for now. But aside from those small things I think this is a really great story! Keep up the good work.
Sincerely,
Collideascope
Hi there!
Ooooooh, I like the image at the top! Is that like the cover or something? Very nice!
So we have a new perspective here. Very interesting. There are also new characters, ones we haven't even seen mentioned before. Of course, that's totally expected seeing as this is the beginning of the novel. I can't wait to see what they're like and how they relate to the other characters!
If she knows where the place is, why would there be quotation marks around it? Usually that's used when something is being called something out of the ordinary. But if it's usually called the place, those don't need to be there. To both Eve and Adaire, the 'place' is just the place. It's not something that needs to be pointed out as being different.
By the way, I love the name Adaire. I just think it's so pretty!
This part confused me. Was it Eve that shouted 'bad dragon' or someone else in the room? I assumed that it was Eve because Adrian pushed her quickly after. But I'm still not totally sure. I think it's the 'old woman' part throwing me off.
This part of the dialogue was a bit confusing. What confused me was that you have Adaire's reactions written at the end of Eve's dialogue and Eve's reactions written at the end of Adaire's dialogue. That made me think that Adaire was really saying what Eve was saying. My suggestion is start a new paragraph with each character's reactions. Like thi:
Written this way, it's easier for the reader to understand who's saying what. Reactions to dialogue are a great thing, but you have to be sure that you line them up right with the right dialogue. I also corrected a few things, I put them in red. Just little things I pointed out
Hm, so Eve was the one who took the necklace from Aurora? Interesting. The lives of these four characters are intertwining much earlier than I thought! This should be good.
All caps is a tricky thing in writing. To the reader, all caps MEANS THAT THEY'RE SHOUTING! (you totally read that in a shouting voice, didn't you?
Wow, Adaire is definitely one giant... yeah, I think you know what I want to call her xD She's obviously someone important, but she doesn't even treat her servants right or act like she should for being so important. What gives her the right to be such a jerk all of the time? Nothing.
One thing I'm a tad bit concerned about is her relationship with Eve. They're sisters, right? So there must be some kind of bond they've created over the years. It's not like Adaire came out of the womb hating her sister. There had to be a time in their life when they were best friends. Or at least close to it. So as you move forward with this, try and find some kind of connection between them. I just think it won't be so believable if they just hate each other like this for the entire novel. There always has to be something that links them back to being sisters. Adaire is evil, sure, but she has a soft spot for her sister. I just know it. Of course, if that's not the way you planned it, just ignore me. I'm just giving you my two cents. Doesn't mean you have to take it
Overall you've got a nice beginning here. Combined with the first chapter, we really learn a lot about this story. First of all, there's some sort of magic or force that controls something or other in this world. How else would the Moonbeam work? Secondly, there's an evil ruler out there -- at least I think Adaire is the ruler, I don't think it's actually mentioned. That's bound to start some trouble. And then there's this amulet. In the first chapter I thought it was something important, but now I'm not so sure. Adaire thinks it's a hoax and I might actually believe here.
I can't wait to see where you take this!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you so much for this long review-this helped a lot!
By the way, on the 'bad dragon' part with the old woman, it was actually the old woman saying it (I need to fix that for sure)
I think I will also pursue the sister thing, in fact you actually gave me an idea xD