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Two Worlds, Two Wars

by Kasie


Medea stood staring fixedly ahead, the deed was underway, finally. Now as the sun was setting she stood down a back alley in Naginni waiting patiently.

Shivering, she felt a sudden cold whisper around her, snapping her head to the left she seen Circe transpire before her. Passing her a tight bundle the wiry body and pointed face of the young man disappeared as quick as it had come.

Medea looked down at the bundle of ragged blankets in her arms and her eyes swept over the face of the babe within them. The child was sleeping peacefully her rosy lips pursed together, a pink tinge creeping across her face. The little hair she had was as black as the night sky and Medea felt her eyes wander to the babes’ right hand. Knowing that this would be the only time she would be able to get so close to the child she lifted the right hand tentatively. Turning it over she looked at the base of the index finger and there it was, barely visible a tiny scar.

The child stirred with a slight cry and Medea came crashing back to earth. Glancing accusingly around her she swept the babe in towards her breast and covered it with her cloak. Darting out from the alley she crept along the cobbled road, keeping in the shadows. It would be fatal if she were seen, particularly tonight. Everyone was inside remembering the deeds of a hundred years past, they would be questionable if they found Medea outside at this time.

Darting down another alley Medea weaves her way through the side streets until she finds her self on the outskirts of the town. Glancing cautiously around her she enters the darkened room of the ancient wood which lies close by. It is not until she is through the knotted undergrowth of the woods that she stops. Finally Medea catches a glimpse of the old country house, which lies ahead, she is far from the town now and after a minute of catching her breath she continues towards the house.

Excited about the end of her task and the awards ahead of her Medea slows down, taking her time to ponder on what she has done. Everything will be put right, now the child is theirs, those white witches will not sit remembering a hundred years before, for it will happen again. They will rise up and this time there will not be defeat.

As she approached the gate Medea sees something white to her right. Swivelling round she narrows her eyes at the hedgerow. Suddenly a large pain erupts in her head and she falls collapsing to her knees, another burst of unbearable pain and Medea slumps to the ground, the babe has gone.


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Thu Mar 22, 2007 3:28 am
AWritersFantasy wrote a review...



This was a very good start. I might be repeating some things all ready pointed out, so bear with me. There were a few grammar here and there, but it definitely drew me in. The only thing I didn't see all ready said is that you changed tenses. You went from writing it in past tense to present tense, starting with the "Darting down another alley Medea" paragraph, which is something you'll have to be careful of. This could confuse the readers, but it's also not something that people really tend to do when writing (though anyone else can correct me if I'm wrong), unless it's something like a dream or a vision. There ARE a few ways that a writer can get away with that.

I hope that helped. I look forward to reading more. :)




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Thu Feb 08, 2007 1:00 pm
magiclukehutch says...



I only read a little bit and the story was pulling me in. Start off with something a bit more exciting and not something boring.




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Sun Jan 28, 2007 9:38 am
purplepyro says...



I had the feeling that you kept switching between describing the present and describing the past. I liked it though, it was very captivating.




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Mon Jan 15, 2007 10:18 am
Esmé wrote a review...



Yeah, Claudette and The Jesseble covered everything, lol.

Quote”
Medea stood staring fixedly ahead, the deed was underway, finally. Now as the sun was setting she stood down a back alley in Naginni waiting patiently.
-You don’t have to tell us that she’s standing two times. After the ‘ahead’ I would put a semicolon.

Quote:
Shivering, she felt a sudden cold whisper around her, snapping her head to the left she seen Circe transpire before her.
Claudette did a lot to this sentence, lol. Apart from what she said, I would put a full stop instead of the comma.

Quote:
Medea looked down at the bundle of ragged blankets in her arms and her eyes swept over the face of the babe within them.
‘Medea looked’ and ‘her eyes swept over’ - that’s the same, isn’t it?



Uhm, well, that’s it. As I said, Claudette covered it all, hehe. I just wanted to say that I liked what you wrote, even if you had some troubled with times and punctuation. Also, try formatting (spaces between paragraphs) - it’s easier to read that way.

Keep up the good work,

-elein




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Sun Jan 14, 2007 7:57 pm
writergirl007 wrote a review...



I think this was a great start. Claudette covered mostly everything (punctuation wise). I, however, like -ly words and find them very descriptive. By the way, thanks for your review of my work! :) It really helped. Writergirl




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Sun Jan 14, 2007 5:01 pm
Emerson wrote a review...



You should space out your work, to make it easier to read.


Medea stood staring [s]fixedly[/s] ahead
I don't like -ly words, instead, try to find a better verb than 'staring' to describe the action how you want, rather than boosting it up with adjectives.

Now as the sun was setting she stood down a back alley in Naginni [comma] waiting patiently.


Shivering, she felt a sudden cold whisper around her [How do you feel a whisper?], snapping her head to the left she [s]seen[/s] [saw] Circe transpire before her. Passing her a tight bundle[comma] the wiry body and pointed face of the young man [you should reword what I put in red, because at first you don't think you are describing a person. So I would try to word it differently] disappeared as quick as it had come.


The child was sleeping peacefully [comma] her rosy lips pursed together, and a pink tinge creeping across her face.


The little hair she had was as black as the night sky and Medea felt her eyes wander [As far as I know, you do not feel your eyes wandering.] to the babes’ right hand.


Glancing [s]accusingly[/s] around her she swept the babe in towards her breast and covered it with her cloak.


Darting out from the alley she crept along the cobbled road, keeping in the shadows.
You should reword this sentence, its a set of three short clauses "She darted out from the alley", "she crept along the cobbled road", and "She kept in the shadows" but the way you put them together, doesn't work very well.

Excited about the end of her task and the awards ahead of her[comma] Medea slows down, taking her time to ponder on what she has done.


As she approached the gate Medea sees something white to her right.
Your story isn't exciting, because you write like this. this isn't exciting at all, you are just telling us "this happened, that happened" why not try for something more risky? Make your sentences more exciting.

Swivelling round she narrows her eyes at the hedgerow.
swiveling has 1 L

We don't really know what is going on, we don't know the background information, and we aren't interested in reading anymore.

Writing beginnings are hard because you have to do a lot in one shot. I'll give you some tips on how to fix this up :-) First, let us relate to your main character, give us a reason to care about this war. Otherwise, we won't want to read. You are talking about all these things that have happened, but the reader has no idea what you are going on about. Which is okay, if you can do it right and pull it off. You have to be able to explain the information you are giving us otherwise the reader is lost in events they've never heard about. Also, you never know WHY this girl is doing this, and if we do, its all about some confusing war that, again, was never explained to the reader.

You need to, in the beginning, present a problem. Some sort of challenge. It may not be the main problem of the whole story, but there needs to be some conflict. That way we get interested. You don't always have to start off this way, but it helps.


And, I think I said it above, your tense wavers here and there, you go from present "sees" "feels" to past "Approached" Find a tense and stick with it :-D




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Sun Jan 14, 2007 4:47 pm
The Jesseble wrote a review...



It's a good start to a novel, a nice insight into the character.

I think you should space the paragraphs...makes it easy to read.

Medea stood staring fixedly ahead, the deed was underway, finally.

I'm not sure that the comma between underway and finally should be there. It looks a little percular.


Shivering, she felt a sudden cold whisper around her, snapping her head to the left she seen Circe transpire before her.

I think this should be changed to:
Shivering, she felt a sudden cold whisper around her. Snapping her head to the left, she had seen Circe transpire before her


That's all that really stood out. I'll look trhough again later...my mind is rather fizzled at the moment XD

Tj





The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
— Chinese proverb