Published May 5, 2007
A Simple Prayer
I have taken a dare
To write a simple prayer
To thank you
For all that you do
Or did
Before goodbye I had to bid
And to let you know that I’ll never forget
The day when we met
The places you took me
Opening my eyes so I could see
I have taken a dare
To write a simple prayer
To thank you
For all that you do
Or did
Before goodbye I had to bid
And to let you know it was the wonderful dinners you cooked
Which no doubt got me hooked
That simpering smile of yours
Which made me walk miles over moors.
I have taken a dare
To write a simple prayer
To thank you
For all that you do
Or did
Before goodbye I had to bid
And to thank you for hugging me when I sighed
For forgiving me when I lied
For kissing me when I cried
For holding me as I died
I have taken a dare
To write a simple prayer
To thank you
For all that you do
Or did
Before goodbye I had to bid.
And to let you know that I’m looking down
On you without a frown
And to tell you that that dove
Was just a sign to show you my everlasting love
And that I want you to have a happy life
And to find yourself a lovely wife.
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I agree. The single best way to become a better poet is to read more poetry.
This was good, especially for a first poem. You have a really interesting idea here, and I liked how it only became clear in the last too stanzas. Ditch the repetition - it made the poem twice as long as it needed to be, and the lines that were repeated were the worst lines of the poem. Give the narrator a little more character - you're halfway to becoming fully immersed in her character, her personality, her history, but you need to go the extra little bit and provide some details for the reader to latch on to, to get a sense of what makes her unique (and any love story must strive to be unique, since deep down they're the same). I'm not sure about the rhyming. It was definitely sounding forced here, but I'd maybe try to improve upon it rather than just give up altogether.
A fine first poem! Keep writing!
Sophie
The best thing to do, especially since it seems like you're just starting out, would be to read as much poetry as possible. Some on these forums are worth reading; but try and get a hold of poetry books/anthologies and read from those as well.
pay attention to imagery and metaphor in the poems you read -- look for the details that you can imagine. Do most poems you enjoy do this? [chances are that they will]. Figure out what you like and don't like in poetry, and how the writers do what they do.
I quite liked the rhyme actually except that it seemed forced in places and the repetition was effective but it was rather a lot to repeat. Perhaps yu should have made that first refrain shorter. Also, there's a lack of punctuation. Perhaps you should go through and read it to yourself so you can see where to put in the full stops and commas. Enjambemet can be effective but it's best in small doses. I think the ending was a little strange. Maybe you should try and make it more general rather than 'wife' because the rest of the poem is rather vague on who the person actually is and I imagined a mother to be honest. If you wanted it to be specific to one person, you should make more of their personal habits etc and their relationship to the persona.
Overall, I think this piece has potential but it needs editing a little. Good job and keep writing!
first of all no rhyming. You have a good idea here but i think the rhyming kind of destroyed it. Don't woory though, i can't write a rhyming poem is my life depended on it.