Young Writers Society

Hey there!

Being that I'm still in the middle of getting over a rough breakup, I can really relate to this poem. It's a real toughy, that's for sure.

What really confused me with this poem, however, was the ending. I'm not saying the ending didn't work - it was real inventive and I did like it - but you had me thinking that whenever the speaker went over to his house to tell him something (also I think we should know what this something is!) he left her and started dating someone else - but then we find out that he really killed himself and didn't leave her at all? I'm not sure. It just has me real confused as to what is happening when. Also, though I think the ending is real inventive, I think you could write it better so that it doesn't seem so over dramatic and sudden. Don't just tell us he killed himself. Show us! Make us feel all of their hurt.

The way you use snow in this poem also has me a little lost. Being that I live in an area where it snowed about six inches every weekend in February, I think I have a generally good idea about snow. You say "poured out like snow", and I honestly have no idea how anything can pour out like snow since you can't pour snow. Maybe you should find another, more accurate comparison. It would really strengthen the poem. In addition to that, a lot of people use comparisons to explain how blood pours out from someone and it's just not all that original no matter how you do it, imho.

The last thing I can pick on is the rhyme scheme. I feel like the rhyme scheme just holds you back instead of helping you at all. Rhyme schemes are very hard to do well, and I don't even think I can do one well. More often than not they only hold you back and force you to say something awkward or not give the exact message you want to. You're allowed a lot more freedom of diction if you remove the rhyme scheme, and it helps a lot to create more emotions because you're not so trapped by a rhyme.

With all that said, you have a great idea for this poem and a handful of good imagery. I hope I didn't pick on it too much, it's just I see great potential in this as a first draft, you just need to nurture it so it can become the best it can be. Just remember a poem should affect the reader in some way, should make them feel and you will be a-OK! Best of luck.