My Tobago

I believe that this poem has great potential! Just keep working at it a bit. I agree with the above post that it does seem a bit childish at some points. I would say maybe to use a little more description; make me feel as if I am actually there. I think that would make your poem amazing! Also, make sure to capitalize your i's, as the above poster suggested. All in all, your poem has the potential to be very appealing! Keep working at it.
Good luck!

Okay...this poem as okay. I am not going to talk about structure or grammar, those have been covered already enough. I am going to talk about the actual words themselves. This poem comes off to me as very, very childish. All of the "my oh"'s and such remind me of an Aqua song. I am not saying I completely dislike this poem, it just seems very immature and not so fleshy, raw and real as it could be.

Hey, karibbeandiva, I like the concept of your poem but it needs a bit of work. So i'm going to critique it for you.
I'll do my best.( But don't get mad though)

[My Tobago an island under the sun;]-- Could have been My Tobago: an island under the sun.

I invite you all to come,

to enjoy,

[and tell a friend about my Tobago.]--Maybe "about my tobago" could be left out.

[I was born and raise under the Caribbean sun.]--Here the word sun is reiterated which adds a bit of redundancy to your peice.

[Boy oh boy, i had a lot of fun,]--I see here that fun was supposed to rhyme with sun, but if it's rhythm you were going for, note that it should be consistent. Anyway the common i should be capitalized.

Dancing in the rain, and parading on carnival day.

Going to the rain-forest to listen and learn about flora and forna,

[Going the waterfall or one of the many beaches]--The word to is missing.

[Splashing and playing with friends was a great adventure]When you continue a sentence on another line the first word should not start with a capital letter, unless that is the name of a place, thing..etc.

[My Tobago oh how i love you so.]--Punctuation!

I could remember (despite all the fun)

[It had a time when i didn't want to go out and play.] There was a time when...

Not night nor day.

My mummy had bought a TV and a computer!

she even put in air conditioner in de house.

[not me nor my brother ever ventures outside.]--Neither me nor my brother.

[We began learning about the American way of life]--Full stop here.

Boy oh boy BET had a massive impact on our,

On our friends life, and more so the life of every youngster in my society.]--Needs revision.

[Youngster no longer want to play together,]--Change to youngsters

Youngsters only thinking about becoming what they see on BET.

[Sad isn't it.]--Should be: sad, isn't it?

[Crime rate escalating, because youngster killing out one another,]--Maybe another word could've replace youngsters

and now yuh ha to stop inside

with de same TV and listen to de madness

[cuz if yuh step out crapo smoke yuh pipe.]--Crapaud--correct spelling of the word.

[What a shame on my Tobago...]--Why is this last part hanging? The ellipses(...) makes it incomplete. It should be a statement. Don't you think? I maybe wrong.


Once again the concept is alright-- the fact that young people in your country were influenced by the American way of life-- but the punctuation is(please forgive me ) sloppy.

You can get help with punctuation and information on poetry writing at the top of the page.

Anyway, although some may agree with your dialect, others might as well not. It maybe confusing to read and be mistaken for poor grammar. And I am certain that you do not want to be misjudged. If it is that you do wish to use dialect it should be used in dialogue. This way it gives your speaker character, personality and also identity.

Keep up the work, ok