Bacon

NOTE: This is a random, non sequitur story so don't take it seriously. Don't try to make sense of it or your brain will implode.

One warm, sunny day in the middle of December somewhere in Northern Canada (it was a leap year) Faustus the fox was wandering through the woods. Because of the ordinary cold Maine weather, there had been little food. The mice were hibernating, the voles were hibernating, the worms were hibernating, the ravenous grizzly bears were hibernating, the vending machines were unplugged, and the local merchants had fled south to Venezuela. Faustus was hungry and couldn’t operate the can opener he found inside the abandoned bunker that he used as a gigantic den, rendering the vast stores of canned food that had been left behind useless.

Stepping out of the Georgia woods into an Oregon suburb, the little creature lifted his head to sniff the air. Not only did he smell bacon, but he was becoming increasingly confused about the ever-changing setting of the story. Wandering the narrow streets of the now for some reason Korean neighborhood, Faustus followed the scent of bacon to a conveniently unlocked and opened door that led into a ridiculous plot device of a house.

Padding in cautiously, he searched for signs of occupants but they seemed to be missing at the moment. In the kitchen was the holy grail, a platter covered with fresh greasy bacon. Faustus lept across the room, landing near the platter of crispy, delicious bacon. He feasted on the crunchy, fattening pig flesh until he heard a sound and turned around. He turned around to find the thing that made the sound, seeing that the owners of the little West German shack had returned home, three Israeli polar panda bears from Nebraska.

The largest of the 3 used his x-ray vision to look through Faustus and see that his food was missing, and with a mighty bellow he demanded “Fe fi fo facon, who’s been in my bacon?!”

Fearing for his life, Faustus only ate another pound of bacon before jumping off of the table and running through a hole in the wall that plot-devicedly led to another dimension. Unfortunately for Faustus, “plot-devicedly” isn’t a real word and he pondered this as he fell into the basement. Missing a pile of laundry by a few inches, he landed on a wooden table. He was ok though, he didn’t break anything but the table.

Around him were various other animals; a bat, a cat, a dolphin, a dog, a koala bear, a hog, an ox, a giraffe, a shrew, an echidna, and a caribou. Curious of this assembly, Faustus sat down between the hog and the ox, he was about to ask what was going on when John Linnel and John Flansburgh arrived and began calling species. As their names were called, the animals raised a paw and though he still didn’t know what was going on Faustus raised his paw when “fox” was said, he wanted to be popular. Faustus soon learned that the gathering was to mourn their dead uncle Allethoria, whom the fox did not know. He politely snuck out while no one was looking as they rolled out a rotating display case with an exquisite dead guy inside. Quickly running up two flights of stairs in the Spanish house while avoiding the hungry bears. Upstairs, he found a little blonde girl sitting on a tuffet eating curds and whey from a picnic basket and hiding from the big bad wolf.

“My name is Goldilocks Redridingmuffet”, she said “Disney owns my soul!”

Faustus backed away slowly with a snarl-Disney indeed! They had stolen his youth and forced him to perform voice-acting without paying. Suddenly, Michael Eisner lept out from behind Faustus and put a butterfly net over his head.

“NO! NOT A BUTTERFLY NET, MY ONLY WEAKNESS! IT SMELLS LIKE TACOS, CURSE YOU BUTTERFLY NET!”

Faustus was recaptured and copyrighted by the Disney corporation, then forced to voice act in “The Fox and The Hound 2: The Empire Strikes Back” without pay.