Chapter 1: A Threat Emerges
Everything seemed peaceful in the four nations. Nobody was at war, technology was getting better, and it seemed like there would be a long period of prosperity. So it was pretty strange that the spirits would be troubling Aang. “Knowledge spirit Zhenxiang," spoke Aang, "I have come for your advice. My past lives, the spirit Koh, and the great sages have all warned me of an approaching enemy who is ten thousand times my superior. I must know who this enemy is and where he is so that I can stop him.”
The knowledge spirit looked at Aang with confusion. In a perplexed voice, she told Aang “I do not know of any being who poses such a threat in this universe.”
Aang looked just as confused as Zhenxiang. “But for the past three weeks, all the spiritual masters have been telling me-“
Zhenxiang cut Aang off. “Aang,
you may not have realized this, but there are many different
universes.” It finally occurred to Aang. The knowledge spirit continued
. “You see Aang, I
have knowledge of your world and the Spirit World, and although they
are called ‘world’, they are in fact two parallel
universes, The foe you seem to worry about is neither from your world
nor mine. However, if your foe is
as terrible as you say. I suggest gathering an army. There’s
strength in numbers, remember that, Aang.”
With that, Aang gave his respects before departing. “So? Who’s the enemy?”
The voices of Toph, Katara, and Sokka were murmuring below Aang's meditation pillar. The three were waiting for news about their world’s next threat. “I don’t know," said Aang, as he floated down from the pillar. "But Zhenxiang told me it’s an enemy beyond our universe.”
“Beyond our universe? How is that even possible?”, asked Toph.
“Yeah, do they spacebend or something?”, joked Sokka.
“No, Zhenxiang told me it’s just like the spirit world. That enemy is finding his way to our world from another parallel universe.”
Sokka was dissatisfied. “So we don’t know who, or what, he is?”
Katara retorted. “How do you know it’s a ‘he’, Sokka?” Katara remembered how much her brother Sokka changed in the year they defeated the Firelord. Not only did Sokka become more humble, he also learned appreciation for women. For old times’ sake, she thought she’d joke about his past self. Sokka didn’t seemed to catch the joke. “WHY is it you can ALWAYS find a way to make me sound SEXIST!?”
As Katara and Sokka argued, Toph couldn’t help but cheer them on with a “LADY FIGHT” chant. Aang, upset they couldn’t see the urgency of the situation, inhales deeply.
“GUYS!” The leaves of all the trees rustled violently as Aang's voice echoed. “We don’t have time to argue! Zhenxiang said the best thing to do is organize an army. If this enemy really is ten thousand times more powerful than me, we’ll need the help of all the nations.”
“How long do you think it’ll take to raise a big enough army, Aang?”, asked Toph.
“With enough luck, one month.” The gang lowered their heads.
Being solemn wasn't going to help them. “First, we need to find recruiters. I’ll go down to Ba Sing Sei and see if King Kuei can give us support,” said Aang. With that, Aang grabbed his glider and flew off.
Katara hopped onto Appa. “I’ll go to Zuko and get help. Toph, take Sokka and head to-“
“Why can’t I go anywhere on my own?,” asked Sokka.
“Because you’re not going to get anywhere on foot. Now hurry up!”
“THAT’S NOT WHAT-“
Katara was up in the air and away from earshot. "Can she be any less of a mother?", thought Sokka. With a look of frustration, he turned to Toph. “So…you know we have to cross a riv-“
“Just get on.” Toph launched Sokka into the air and on a rock cart and rode off.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
for shame
Dear Author,
I must admit that I absolutely hated reading this piece of literature. It was not because of the story or even the idea, but because of your writing skills and mass mistakes in grammar and spell. For instance, if I hadn't grown up watching both of the original shows, I would not have known who was speaking in the dialog most of the time. I also found mistakes, with the past and present tenses, throughout the whole literature piece. I'm not sure how to put it because I hate putting people down, but I believe that you need much more practice in your writing styles. However, I absolutely loved the idea for the story, I mean I used to pretend I was the avatar and my favorite video games are Dragon Ball Z. I will be looking forward to the next installment of this piece, but I will not be any nicer in the review unless you work even harder.
Forever Being Honest ~The Truth
I usually write the name of the character who's about to talk before the quote. I didn't know I needed to. Also, I see a lot of places where people could be confused about the speaker. Thanks for pointing that out.
I'm also ashamed of the capitalization and tense mistakes.
Thank you for reviewing, I'll keep your tips in mind.
Hi KapilKDS!
Snow here to review your work. Let's get started!
Who is talking here? And what's going on?
Should be 'poses'.
It switches from past to present tense here. It should be 'inhaled' to keep the writing all in one tense.
I know this is supposed to add emphasis, but it would be better if you simply italicized. So it would be "Guys!"
You also don't need to add extra exclamation marks. A good guide is to look at published books. They don't add extra letters, exclamations, and don't capitalize an entire word or phrase (At least, most don't). So instead if hitting caps lock, hit italicize.
So, this piece is kind of confusing. When I read it, I didn't know who was talking. I didn't know who the characters were, like Sokka and Toph, they appeared out of no where. I also don't know what they're doing, why it's happening, and why it's important.
Details are your best friend! Haha. It helps the reader visualize and also understand more of what's going on. Because this a fantasy, it's a world from your imagination that I have no idea about. So, details and information are key. You talked about nations and spirits, but you just brushed over the topic, just saying they're there.
I want to know more about the nations, spirits, society,and how they came to be.
Now back to the dialogue, every time a character speaks, make a new line for them. Also mention who is saying it and how . Fore example:
"Guys!" Aang screamed, causing the leaves on the oak trees surrounding them to rustle violently.
Then start a new line for the next dialogue. And do that throughout the story. It makes it a whole lot easier to read and less confusing. Also, see how adding a little detail makes all the difference? You do add some detail, but add more!
That's all I have to say for now! This is an interesting idea and I hope you continue writing. I would definitely read!
~Snow
*I know this is supposed to add emphasis, but it would be better if you simply italicized. So it would be "Guys!"*
Would it be okay to say "GUUUUYS!!!" if I wanted to tell the reader that he yelled for an extended time without explicitly saying he yelled for an extended time?
Or should I follow up by saying "His yell was long and loud enough to make the leaves of nearby trees shake violently"?
You could say it somehow like that (the second option), but maybe differently because it does sound a little awkward.
Or, you could do this: "Guys...!"
And of course, italicizing that.