Chapter One -
The day he saw the game Xenoria Legends displayed at the window of his local game shop, he vowed to work hard at his job as a fry cook at the local burger shop that was down the street from his house. He worked day after day, saving up enough money to get the game, headphones, and controller in order to fulfill his duty as a gamer. After working hard hours, filled with sweat and grease, he finally bought the game he really wanted. Arch-Mage, Heswir, was prepared for battle.
Six months later.
“Keto! Breakfast is ready!” His mother screamed from the top of her lungs; from the kitchen to his bedroom, which was upstairs. Keto was still lying on his bed, groaning as he slipped his hand on the top of his luscious, blonde hair. He opened his emerald eyes slowly, seeing his room blurred from the rude awakening he had just experience.
“Ugh… Overslept again.” Keto sighed softly as he stood up from his bed, slipping on his usual t-shirt and jeans attire. He grabbed his green backpack, which contained his work clothes, school books, and pencils. He placed the bag over his shoulder, heading out of his room and going down the steps of the stairs.
“Good morning, honey.”
“Hey, ma.” He grabbed a slice of bread toast from one of the plates that was sitting on the kitchen table.
He began gnawing his teeth into the bread, making a small, crunch sound as the result.
“You’re not going to eat a full breakfast, again?”
“Nah. I almost late for school, so I have to head out.”
“You were on that game again, weren’t you?”
“Um… maybe.”
His mother sighed as she patted the top of his head gently, her small, generous smile facing towards him. “You know you love that game, but focus more on school, okay? I noticed your grades are going bad again.”
Keto nodded as he started to walk outside the front door. As soon as he walked away from his home, he headed down to where the bus stop was. He noticed three other people around his age waiting at the location.
“Hey, it’s Keto!”
“Yo, Keto!”
“Sup, Keto!
All three teenagers, all male, waved and greeted Keto as he waved back at them, smiling slightly.
“You look dead, dude.” One of the males, Ferr, looked closely at Keto, seeing bags under his eyes.
“Oh… I was playing XL all night.”
The three male teenagers laughed. Ferr began to speak again, trying to control his laughter. “Seriously? You play that crappy game?”
“It’s not crappy unless you give it a chance, man…”
Keto noticed the bus coming towards them. As soon as the bus stopped, the doors swung open, seeing a wrinkled, old man as the driver. The four teenagers went inside the bus, sitting in their seats that they seat every day before and after school. Keto always sat in the back of the bus, the second to last seat on the left. He digs his hand in his jean pocket, fetching out his white headphones that were connected to his mp3 player. He placed the ear buds into his ears, pressing play on his player. Music started to burst inside his ear drums. He liked to listen to classic rock most of the time. Sometimes, he’d listen to smooth jazz to calm his nerves. Right now, he is listening to smooth jazz music, the saxophone playing softly through his ears, making him feel calm and relaxed.
He took out his phone from his other jean pocket, seeing a text message from a friend who plays with him on Xenoria Legends. It read:
'XL during lunch period?'
Keto replied to the text:
'Yeah, man.'
He smiled brightly. “Finally, more XL. I really hope Griss has leveled up since I logged off last night.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
I am not what you would call a hardcore gamer myself. It's hard to judge a literary work of this format by just one chapter, but I can say so far that you've done a great job.
"As soon as the bus stopped, the doors swung open, seeing a wrinkled, old man as the driver."
^This sentence seems a little awkward to me. I might just be being a stickler here, but the wording kind of makes it sound like the doors are seeing the driver?? Maybe edit it a little to make it a more clear, smoother sentence.
Also, one big thing, you are switching between past and present tense. Stick with one tense!
Hey there. So I would of started from the prologue, but you've gotten two good reviews for it, so I'll start here instead
Ha! As a gamer myself I can relate to that too lol.
Hmm. The way the family reacts over Keto's poor performance in school is kinda unrealistic? Generally if your grades are falling behind, your parents would start to limit some of your privileges, unless if you intend for Keto's mum to be easy going and laid back (which is entirely plausible). If that's the case, you need to characterize the mum more on that front, and how her attitude influences the household and Keto.
So is XL a hand held game on something similar to the 3DS? It isn't really clear what it is.
Overall impressions:
Hmm, not much of a story happened in this chapter here eh? Keto gets up, meets up with his classmates at the bus stop and they agreed to play XL during the lunch break. So where exactly is the story here? You could of probably extended the chapter all the way to them playing the game, then something bad happens, then call it a chapter there. And say the next part involves them playing the game and talking about it, would there still be any story at all if it's just them playing a video game? The story seems to only start once the game becomes real and drags them in Digimon style. First of all though, let's talk about the other things in your story before we wrap up that point.
So I'm a gamer myself, though more of a casual gamer nowadays. But I feel your story doesn't feel right for a story that's about video games. So Keto working as a fry cook to get enough money to get said game is something I can totally relate to. But what exactly is XL and why is it so amazing? Let's break it down. When a popular game comes out, it is hyped as all heck and people rush to buy it. But after a month, the hype of the game actually dies down a lot and so do the sales. After more time, the only people that still play the game religiously is hardcore PvP'ers. If a game has a real in-depth competitive component to it, like Pokemon, Super Smash Bros, Dota 2, LoL etc, only those people will keep playing it religiously. Because let's face it, once you've clocked a game, it's pretty much done and dusted.
The only other type of games which has replay value would be mmorpgs, which I think that's what your gunning for. So is XL an mmorpg on a special type on console? Is it on a hand held type of console? It isn't really clear in your story. Also, what makes XL so amazing? Why is it so hyped? If Keto got the game six months later after its release (maybe even more ) even if it's an mmorpg, it must have a lot of replay value for it to still be so popular after at least six months prior to release. So XL pretty much needs to be a game that has a lot more features than World of Warcraft itself.
So does XL have a dynamic world? Is it constantly changing? Does the game gets updates every now and then? Are there a lot of customization options? Is it truly open world? Is it almost like virtual reality? Does it have a lot of exploration and in-depth PvP component to keep players coming back from more? Do the players feel like part of the game?
I'm under the impression that this game is very popular in Keto's world, but you don't show the hype at all and why it's so amazing. I want to know why heaps of people around the world would rush into Gamestop or wherever they buy their games from to get this game, buy out all available stock everywhere, and to still be playing this six months after release. I want to know why Keto would be willing to work long hours just for this game. And on a side note, how much does this game cost? I'm pretty sure a week's salary as a fry cook would be enough to buy a copy of the game, unless if the console that is required to play it on costs like an arm and a leg.
I find it really weird that the mum is so carefree about Keto's gaming ways. Why isn't she more stern with Keto and cut off his access to the game if his grades are starting to slip? And also, if this game is so popular, then wouldn't the game also have a big cultural and social impact? But you don't show that, you just confined the scope of the story to "Hey, wanna play XL? I'm pretty sure you can't beat me."
So I'm not sure what direction you are taking this. If it's just gonna be some kids playing a video game, then it's not really interesting to read about it. I'd rather be playing a video game myself than to read some people playing it. So when is the Digimon thing going to come up, and what will happen when they are sucked into the game? And what will the plot be?
Here's some things for you to think about. Hope this helped.
Andy.
There's only a few minors things that I caught. A few presses on the keyboard should fix it. For one, I would reword 'His mother screamed from the top of her lungs; from the kitchen to his bedroom, which was upstairs.' as 'His mother screamed at the top of her lungs from the kitchen to his bedroom, which was upstairs.' You can always word it so that the semi-colon fits back in if you want, I just preferred to take it out.
Another thing that's easy to fix is, 'Keto sighed softly as he stood up from his bed, slipping on his usual t-shirt and jeans attire.' It's just a tiny tense agreement problem.' It's easy enough to change it as, 'Keto sighed softly as he stood up from his bed and slipped on his usual t-shirt and jeans attire.'
This might just be me, but steps of the stairs seems kind of redundant. Myself, I would just use stairs.
'His mother sighed as she patted the top of his head gently, her small, generous smile facing towards him.' I would change 'towards' to 'toward.' I don't think that it really needs the 's.'
'All three teenagers, all male, waved and greeted Keto as he waved back at them, smiling slightly.' Using two 'all's that closely is too much for me. I would change that as, 'The three teenagers, all male, waved and greet Keto as he waved back at them, smiling slightly.' I think that even using a plain word like 'the' helps keep slight wording like that flow better.
'As soon as the bus stopped, the doors swung open, seeing a wrinkled, old man as the driver.' I would change how the driver appears to, 'As soon as the bus stopped, the doors swung open to a wrinkled, old man as the driver.' Maybe 'to' isn't the right word, but seeing sound too much like you're telling us that we see an old man as a bus driver, like it's a bit forceful. In my opinion, 'to' sounds like a less harsh word. In others words, it needs a softer tone at that part.
Another part that needs tense agreement is, 'He digs his hand in his jean pocket, fetching out his white headphones that were connected to his mp3 player.' You should get the idea by now that it would change to, 'He dug his hand in his jean pocket and fetched out his white headphones that were connected to his mp3 player.'
Well, I wrote more than I thought I would, but that makes your writing here no less fun to read. At first I thought, when I read that it was about a game that he really wanted, it was going to have a parallel to .hack, but as I read to the end of it, I began to reconsider. Based on your profile avatar I assume you recognize the series and you're an otaku. (If you're not familiar with the word, otaku means a great linking to anime and manga.)
I wonder what happens next? Hmm...
Hey Kanome! I'm here to review.
"I" should be "I'm"Grammar/Wording:
About midway through the piece in this sentence
You did a really good job on the mother's dialogue I liked her character the best how overbearing and motherly she was. It was actually sort of humorous.
Other Suggestions:
Work on editing out the unimportant information to keep the reader in the action of the piece.
For example:
This is filled with unnecessary information. You can say the same thing in a much more succinct way.
Instead you could put
There are multiple places that I saw this issue, it's ok to add interesting details but make sure it doesn't go overboard. (As a reader we do not need to know the exact contents of Keto's book bag in order to understand this piece and knowing that there are pencils in his backpack does not really enhance the reader's experience)
Also way too many details on the intricacies that Keto takes to get out his mp3 player, give the reader some credit and assume that they will know that Keto pressed play before he heard music (you don't need to tell us all of these added details)
It seems a little odd that you refer to Keto's friends as "males" it's a little awkward and informal. It might be better to go with the word "boys" or just let the reader assume that they are all boys and they can get clarification from their names later in the piece.
In this sentence: I think you mean the opposite of what you wrote, because you're saying that if you give the game a chance then it is crappy.
Content/Message:
You definitely succeed in showing how important XL is to Keto, I would like to know a little more information about what exactly this game is about but I'm sure that's in chapters to come. Work on editing out unimportant information so the reader can stay in the action.
You have an interesting beginning and good luck in the rest of your chapters!
-Knight Alliyah