A/N: I am sorry this is all cluttered xD I didn't feel like spacing them to make paragraphs, but I hope you all enjoy! Also, this is an essay I wrote in English class in college a year ago.
I would always keep my personal life to myself. I never told anyone what I really do, what I actually do during my free time when I have time. I think it’s the time to tell everyone, who doesn’t know me well, about myself, and my hobbies. I have so many activities that I do during my free time, but my main three favorite activities to do are to draw comics, sing to Disney songs, and babysit children. I sit on my bed, thinking to myself about the next comic I should draw. I grab my mechanical pencil and jot down possible story ideas that can make my comic come to life. I usually draw manga style comics, which are comics you read from right to left instead of left to right. I love to draw manga, so basically, I am considered to be an amateur mangeka, which is a manga comic artist in Japanese terms. One day, I came up with the best manga idea I ever had. I decided to draw a comic based on Disney movie and story, Alice in Wonderland. The only difference between my comic and the Disney movie is I put romance in my comic, to make the story more interesting to the manga fans, or otakus, out there in the world. As I started drawing my comic, I became more and more obsessed about how much I accomplished on it. I do plan on finishing my Alice in Wonderland comic once I have the time to from my busy schedule.When I was a little girl, Ihad a wonderful childhood moment. It was an experience that every boy and girl went through in the 90s. I am talking about Classic Disney movies. I used to be obsessed with those; so obsessed, that I remembered every line from all the characters from every Disney movie I’ve seen. My favorite activity to do when I watch my Disney movies is to sing the songs from them. My favorite songs that I used to sing, and still do, are “Colors of the Wind” from Pocahontas, “Part of your World” from The Little Mermaid, “A Whole New World” from Aladdin, and lastly, “Hakuna Matata” from the Lion King. I used to sing these four songs all the time, without fail. My family used to laugh at me because of how I used to sing the songs. I still sing them, just to relive my childhood life. Every time I listen to Disney songs, I feel like I’m a child again, that I am able to relive my childhood no matter how old I get. I am glad to be a Disney addict.I am considered to be a mother, even though I don’t have children of my own. I am always taking care of children every day of my life, no matter how much me time I get. I am the oldest of six children, so taking care of children was a huge impact on my life. I love my siblings, and they consider me to be the best role model and sister that anyone could ever have. My youngest sibling, Zayden, has always considered me as his second mother because my mother is always working while my step-father does nothing to help with the children around the house, at least, before I moved here to Irving. My siblings live in Copperas Cove, Texas, which is three hours away from here. Whenever I visit them, I am taking care of them right away, because I love to take care of children. I always wanted children of my own ever since I was a little girl. Children have always been a huge part of my life, and no one can ever take that away from me. All the activities that I enjoy doing made me become the person that I am today, and I am proud of myself for that. Drawing comics releases my nerd side of me. Singing Disney songs makes me relive my childhood. Babysitting children makes me an important role model. I enjoy doing all three very much, and no one can change that, no matter how hard they try. I am proud to be a mangeka, Disney addict, and a potential mother.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Hello. I am lyricalrebel and I will review your work. I will try to keep this as short as possible since you have probably corrected this during your English class.
So, as you have stated, these needed to be separated into paragraphs depending on the structure of the ideas. I'm sure you understand what I mean by that. It will make the readers more comfortable reading your work.
So, I'll do the nitpicks.
"I have so many activities that I do during my
free time, but my main three favorite activities to do are..."
To make it gramatically correct, it should be "three main favorite activities". Yes, the number go first.
"I love to draw manga, so basically, I am
considered to be an amateur mangeka, which is a manga comic artist in
Japanese terms."
What a coincidence! I love to draw manga as well. I have an obsession with anime and I absolutely sure that the correct term for a manga artist is "mangaka".
"One day, I came up with the best manga idea I ever had."
You used past tense (came), then the rest of the sentence should be "idea I have ever had".
"I do plan on finishing my Alice in Wonderland comic
once I have the time to from my busy schedule."
This sounds gramatically incorrect. I believe it should be "have the time off from my..."
"Whenever I visit them, I am taking care of them right away, because I
love to take care of children."
Grammar check! It should be "I take care of them right away..."
Those are just obvious ones. I believe you should re-read them and analyze the grammars of most of them. You should also look into using more powerful words in order to create a heavy impact on the reader's mind. It would also help if you mix in a touch of descriptive approach to let the readers picture an incredible event in their head. Of course, these are purely suggestions. This is an awesome work since it's a universal theme anyone could relate to. Keep writing and kudos to you!
Hey Kanome! Night here for a quick review.
So first thing's first. I think the reason that there haven't been many reviews on this is because it's a huge block of text, and that can be daunting to people. So for future reference, if you want more views and you want the formatting to be correct, you really should split it into paragraphs. It's easier to view something in sections, to be able to take a breath, than having to focus through the whole thing.
For me, I split it into paragraphs after you talk about your manga comics, your love for Disney songs, your babysitting career, and your wrap-up at the end. The cuts seem pretty clear to me, and it would simply involve a few Enter key presses.
That said, let's get to the content.
I really liked how your delved into yourself in three sections. It shows your passions, your past, and your experiences that have shaped you. I found a lot of connections to you, myself, and I liked that.
However, there was one phrase that you kept repeating about how "no one can take that from me, no matter how hard they try" etc. Maybe elaborate on that? Who is trying to change you?
Overall, this was an interesting essay. Keep writing and being amazing!
~Night
Atta girl! Always be proud of who you are! But of course, in order to make you a review, I have to nit pick the grammar and so on and so on. I think this is a great essay, but like you said above, it needs paragraphs! It would be such an easier read that way. Other than that, great job! Keep writing, and being yourself!