Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
It is seven-thirty in the morning. I sit up on my bed, looking around as I rub my eyes gently. I look to the side of me, seeing two white pills and small cup of water on the side table. I look at the door, seeing a nurse looking at me through the small window that was attached to the door.
I pick up the pills, placing them in my mouth as I sip the water. The nurse leaves with a smile on her face.
"Pfft..."
I hear the door open, seeing my personal doctor walking inside.
"Good morning, Uni."
"Morning..."
He looks around the room. "I see you're still drawing."
I place my hands in between my legs, swinging my legs back and forth. "Dr. Hune. Will I ever leave?"
Dr. Hune, my personal doctor, pats my head gently, smiling. "You will be able to leave once you are better, Uni. You know that."
Better, better, better. That's what he always tell me. I feel better, more than he ever knows.
"I'll be right back. Okay, Uni?" Dr. Hune walks out of my room, closing the door behind him. I turn to the wall and look at the wonderful drawings I have created. I smile to myself of how I created such art on my easel. I grab the marker off the side table, starting to draw another masterpiece on my easel.
I begin to draw two more adult figures on the wall, having something drip from their bodies. I smirk to myself, drawing a little girl holding a butcher knife in her hand. The little girl smiles at the two adults as they were lying down on the ground.
They must die... they must die...
I keep repeating the same words in my head, drawing more blood around the adults. They need to die... They deserve to die...
I stare at the wall as I stab the tip of the marker into the wall, giggling to myself. "Heeeh.. heeeehee..."
"Uni!" I hear Dr. Hune's voice, but I didn't stop.
"They need to die! They need to die!"
"Nurse.... Nurse!"
Next thing I knew, I am pinned down on my bed by the nurses. Tears begin to flow down my cheeks as I sob, looking up at Dr. Hune. "They need to die, doctor..." I then feel a small prick in my arm as my eyes begin to blur. I close my eyes slowly, falling into a deep sleep.
They need to die....
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141,498 Literary Works • 674,560 Reviews
Hey, Kanome, I saw this and really liked it, so now I will leave a review for you. My oh my, I have been reviewing so much more lately!
This was so good, it kind of left me wishing I could see the prologue (which is currently for your eyes only, for some reason).
I have one nitpick, and it's similar to what ClippedWings said.
You have repeated "the wall" . Try not to use the same phrase twice in the same sentence if you can help it. I recommend changing the second "the wall" to "it".
Right, onto the positives.... Tell me you are going to post chapter two of this! I know you have lots of projects on the go, but you can't have this kind of a beginning and leave readers hanging. Ping me when you have more parts to this, please
Who are these people who must die? Is it a Lizzie Borden type situation, so they're her family? I would also be really interested to know what she (just assuming it's a female) believes these poor people have done to deserve killing them.
I think the character is coming along nicely (for a first chapter) and her behaviour causes just the right amount of tension.
Right, I do believe that's all from me. I have no more to say...
Can't wait to see more of this sometime.
~Bella~
I am seriously struggling with words to describe this. It's just so... deliciously evil. So much so that I don't even feel bad describing writing as delicious. Now, I'm going to try and pull my brain back together and write something that is actually a comprehensive thought.
"I look to the side of me, seeing two white pills and small cup of water on the side table. I look at the door, seeing a nurse looking at me through the small window that was attached to the door."
Using "look" two times in a row like this isn't very appealing to the reader. You could try something more like:
To the side of me, two white pills and small cup of water rest on the table. At the door, a nurse watches me through the clear section.
"Pfft..."
Instead of putting this in quotes, italicize it and put it with the next paragraph.
"I smile to myself of how I created such art on my easel. I grab the marker off the side table, starting to draw another masterpiece on my easel."
Again, the repeated easel. Eliminating one of the "on my easel" phrases will make it flow better.
"having something drip from their bodies"
I'm assuming the something is blood, but just say it! Once you reveal the girl with the butcher knife, it's not a surprise anyway.
"I hear Dr. Hune's voice, but I didn't stop."
This switches tense in the middle of a sentence, and as the rest of your work is in present tense, change didn't to don't.
"I then feel a small prick in my arm as my eyes begin to blur."
This is rather odd phrasing, and wouldn't her eyes blur after the needle? Try something like this:
I feel a small prick in my arm, and my eyes begin to blur.
I love your story and will try to continue reading it. PM me when the next one comes out please! Keep writing. That's an order!
-ClippedWings
Okay, I'll keep writing because you said so xD
Psychosis [Prologue]
Prologue is right here.
I want to start by saying I loved this and am very eager to read the next chapter. But I think this is better suited as a prologue than a chapter. It has just the right amount of detail and a perfect length for a prologue, but feels a little short to be q chapter. It might just be me, but I think for a chapter it should be longer. But you did a perfect job between details length and character introduction in a balance.
Oh GOD! I want more of this
I wanted to do a review but it is just too perfect. The ending was awesome. Can't wait for the second chapter!!!