The Passage of the New World Tea Party
I sat on my special ,wooden chair in my study, examining the fresh, hot cup of tea sitting in front of me on my desk. As I inhaled this so-called fresh tea, I realized that this wasn’t my favorite kind of liquid I want to gulp. Instead of gulping it down as usual, I smacked the small, white glass cup into the wall, causing the cup to break into tiny pieces.
“Gelia!” I shouted angrily across the room and the halls of my housing.
Gelia, my number one maid, came in a hurry. “Yes, Master Herrin?”
“Who made the tea?”
“Well, it was Bele the Chef, sir.”
“He’s fired.”
“But, sir! That would be our sixth chef…”
“Tell him to pack his things and leave immediately.”
Gelia curtsied slowly then headed out of my study. I couldn’t help but be mad at the one chef I thought I was able to keep for a long while, but he had to mess up my tea. I looked down at my documents on my desk. They were filled with maps and texts containing research of the New World, which was recorded by Christopher Columbus himself.
“This research has more meaning than this. What’s so special about this New World anyway?”
“Uhm, sir.”
I look up, seeing Gelia standing next to the door. “Someone is here to see you. Someone named Jacks.”
Jacks, one of my colleagues, was standing behind Gelia, smirking at me.
“You may leave now, Gelia.”
She bowed her head slightly and walked away, leaving me and Jacks alone in my study. “Kee, my old friend.”
“Why are you here,Jacks? I’m busy.”
“Still figuring out the secrets of the New World?”
I sat here silently. “…”
“It’s just new land.You act like there’s more to it than that.”
“There has to be!”
Jacks stood there, astonished. “Well, what if I tell you that I got you a crew and a ship?”
I looked at him, quirking my brow. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, to travel to the New World!”
“… A Voyage? You can’t be serious.”
“But I am.” Jacks started walking around in my study, explaining how this travel can help with my research and experience with the New World. I didn’t understand why he wants to help me with this, but I couldn’t just let it go. After he was done explaining, I accepted his offer of the crew and ship. Jacks smiled at me with such joy in his eyes. “I promise you, you won’t regret this.”
As he left my study, I slump in my chair, rubbing both of my temples. “Oh….I think I regret making such a decision.” I looked on my desk, noticing a wonderful treat left for me on a silver plate. Scones. I picked one up slowly as I begin to bite down on the scone, savoring the flavor. Let this voyage to the New World begin.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
hello, Kanome!
(here goes)
You present us with a very unlikable character. But if you want me to stay with him through the story, you have to make at least a part of him likable, or at least easy to sympathize with. Try to keep that in mind as you write him.
I don't think you could fire a chef for 'bad' tea, especially because I'm not even sure a chef wold be making tea- it's so simple a task, you could leave it up to a maid, right? You can't gauge a chef's skill by how well he brews tea, you really can't.
If Mr. Man here is so interested in the new world, why does he seem so clueless about it? He lives in a cozy mansion with more than one maid and a personal chef.
I'm not sure about this, but you might want to spell 'Jacks', 'Jaques'. It's a weird spelling, I know. But it sounds more European, kinda? French.
I need to know more about JacksJaques anyway... I need to know what position he is in to magically pull a ship and crew out of a hat like that. In what field does he work?
otherwise, I like where you're going with this. You seem to have the plot down splat- It'll be interesting to see what your characters get into next!
Good job. Happy review day, and keep writing!
~Satira
First of all, whatever text editor you wrote this in, it has some issues when you copied it over to the publishing centre. All through your work there are words constantly written likethis so you need to go and editthem out byputting spaces in between the words. (Not your fault, just copy and paste issues)
Secondly, in the first line alone, FAR too many adjectives and other stuff. You need to be sparing with your descriptions and make every word count. This is your first line, your hook; out of every line make this line the best.
Just too much stuff, it drags and drags. Build up the prose and reel in your reader. Establish your character. From what I got he is fussy, not kind, and quite stubborn. Sow it in your first few lines, for example you could start with something like this (This is not good in any way but it's the best example I can think up on the spot XD):
Also look out for things like tense. I saw where you randomly went into present tense when I was reading. I can't find it right now.
Also, look for things like inconstancies ad impossibilities. For example tea cups aren't made out of glass, and tea isn't served in glasses, and generally most glass isn't white. I assume you meant china or porcelain.
Next is dialogue:
You just have talking heads, people floating in the air doing nothing. You can add so much depth to your writing by elaborating. For example:
Next up I think things are moving too fast. You need to flesh out and develop, establish character. I think you should work on Jacks more. Before you have him say "What if I said I had a ship" Which is very cliche, do something with him to establish who he is, and what his relationship is to the main character. This is very important in how the main character reacts. Is Jacks a best buddy, a long lost friend, a local town goof who is continuously coming in to annoy this guy? Is he a childhood enemy whom the guy has to bitterly get along with. Is he his brother? Or an old, trustworthy uncle?
Take more time to establish more of the setting and the characters.
Keep up your writing and don't give up. I look forward to the next chapter.
Okays, thanks. And i was using Microsoft.. Dont know why its doing that.