The Pain Trent walked slowly down the hall, staring blankly at the people he passed. They meant nothing to him. They lived their own lives, uncaring, unaware of him. No, that’s not true. They knew him. He was the brainiac, the boy who somehow managed to get into the popular group. But they really could care less. He was a shadow, a wall flower, something nobody noticed.
Except for her, he thought. She saw him. She cared for him. She understood him. God, Tori. If only you knew. She was his best friend, and his greatest enemy. They argued all the time, fighting over everything, but at the end of the day, they both still cherished their friendship. Tori.
Unknown to her, unknown to anyone actually, he loved her. Yes, he loved her with all his heart. He was in love with her, and had been for two years now. If she only knew how much better his life was because of her. She could take his crappiest day and turn it into something great. When she missed school, he felt dead inside.
Looking up from his thoughts, Trent saw her. She was beautiful, in his eyes as well as everyone else’s. Her golden hair flowed gracefully down her shoulders. Emerald green eyes sparkled like the sun. Her face was turned, as it normally was, up in a smile. Just seeing her made him grin.
He went to say hi, but she didn’t see him. She walked by, focused on someone else. He gazed back, the pain piercing his heart once again. She was in his arms, the arms of her boyfriend.
Tristan was a good guy. He never got in trouble and was a good friend. He was the kind of person who would be there for you when you needed help. But Trent didn’t care. At that moment, he hated the man. He hated him for having what he could not. And he hated him for the pain he felt every time he saw them together.
Trent turned away quickly, before his heart broke altogether. I swear, if he ever breaks her heart, I’ll kill him, he thought. He’d seen her get hurt before. He couldn’t understand how someone could do that to her, how they could not know what they had. Tristan, you better love her with all your heart.
He hurried to his next class, back to his life. He would continue to be her friend. If nothing else, he would be there for her. Even if it means living through pain.
Hey kanen, I loved it.I like the emotion you emitted.It really sucks being the beat friend doesn't it.I know how that feels.
Kanen! I love this, you really had great emotion, I love this line:
Tristan, you better love her with all your heart. It just totally made my heart melt, cause Trent wasn't interferring like some jerk wad, he wanted her to be happy, and never wanted to see her be heartbroken. Its so sweet
Aww, it's so cute! The poor guy
Loved it!
Aw, this touched my heart! I love reading pieces like this!
I just wanted to point out to you that this paragraph is a little choppy. I know when writing stories we don't like to see creative writing as having topic sentences to our paragraphs, but your paragraphs have to be a little organized. This is what your paragraph looks like in an easier to understand example:
"The elephant was blue. The elephant loves ice cream. The elephant cannot live without peanuts."
Do you see how none of the sentences really relate to each other, except for the main concept: the elephant? In your paragraph, the main interest is his love for her.
All I'm trying to say is that the paragraph is really choppy. You need to make it flow better. Instead of going right from "She could take his crappiest day and turn it into something great," to, "When she missed school, he felt dead inside," do something like this:
"When she was around, she could make his crappiest days great, but when she was away, he felt dead inside."
Do you see how it flows, and the sentence isn't choppy, and the concepts coincide a bit?
I hope I helped! PM me if you need any more help!
Classy
Hi Kanen! That situation suck, doesn't it? Anyway, I have just one nitpick:
My Inner Cynic and You:
... Yeah, too many hearts for me. It feels repetitive especially the first two times, so just replace one with something different.
Other than that it's a good short piece with nice, real emotions. (They're not actually nice, but you get it.)
Since this was just a little vent piece, there's really nothing more to say. Keep up the good work!
~Karma
Kanen,
forbidden love sucks ass huh?? Lol. But best friends like you and her usually get married or something in the end, so don't give up,okayy?? She'll wake up one day and realize how good of a guy you are to her, and she'll realize it never worked out with any other guy because she always really loved. I have a friend like that.
Anyways, thus was a really good story, but it shouldve been put under nonfiction, you know, since it's a true story and all. But you get more reviews with the fictional writing I realized. Lol.
If you don't mind, cab you review one of my poems?? It's called My Big Brother. I wrote it yesterday, and it's EXACTLY like this situation you're in, except through my eyes. And it's real too.
I hope I helped and made your day!!
Love,
Layla
Hi Kanen. I have been through your other posts before and I must admit that you are a good writer. I liked the story very much and I hope you have a continuation to it. I didn't find any nit-picks as such so it was nice. Keep writing!!!!! Just this:
Yeah, really this was just something like a diary entry, just to get stuff of my chest. But I may develop it. I don't know. I'm kind of into my Fantasy novel right now. I just wrote this because I have major writer's block for that. Thanks for reading it.
Ahhhh, forbidden love! Hope everything works out in the end.
As far as story goes, this seems largely unfinished! Which kind of makes sense, as it is a true story of your life. However, if you want to develop this in a story, you may want to add to it. Maybe you can make this story end the way you want to, even if it doesn't turn out that way in real life.
Also, I highly recommend the film, "Better Off Dead." I think you'll find a lot of truth in that film.