The Brethren Child - Continued Warren smiled as he watched the boy burn before his fingertips. The flames cascaded out of his hands and into the boy’s body, scorching all it touched. He could feel the life drain out of his victim as he absorbed the life force. Death tasted good.
The boy dropped to the ground, and Warren stopped his assualt. No use wasting power when I don’t have to, he thought. The kid had been easy enough to beat. Seems the Guardians are losing their touch, if they’re picking such weak humans as this to be their warriors. The Descendant laughed, happy with himself.
Out of nowhere, a light crashed into his side, sending him flying across the open farmland. He crashed hard into a twisted willow, the pain searing into his body. Cursing loudly, Warren stood, glancing towards the source of the blast.
It’s her! The girl stood before him, tears splattered on her cheeks. Her eyes were puffy and red, but they burned with an anger that rivaled the flames of Hell; Warren could feel it. She held an oaken staff, which he had observed was her favorite weapon.
“Ah, so you decided to join us. Well, this should be fun,” he said, raising his hand. Flames bursted forward, a huge blast headed straight for the girl. She raised her staff, a brightness surrounding her in a glass-like shield; the flames bounced harmlessly off her body.
She’s got some strength, I'll give her that. Warren pulled his sword from its scabbard, rushing forward to attack her. He brandished the sword, aiming to slice off her arm, but before he could connect, the staff parried the blow. The light had surrounded the wood as well, strengthening it to where his sword did not leave a scratch.
“I’ve been waiting for this moment awhile. I’ll enjoy killing you. Slowly, of course,” Warren said. He stepped backwards, preparing to strike again. The girl raised her palm, the light reappearing. It shot forward, striking him square in the chest and sending him airborne once again and into the tree. This time the blast was stronger, burning into Warren’s shoulder with any intensity he did not know the girl could have. He brought his hand up, tentatively examining wound. When his fingers brushed against the burn, Warren winced.
I’ll deal with her later. The boy was the one I wanted, he thought, disappearing into the shadows of the tree.
***
Keira watched as the creature dissipated. Damn it!
“Come and face me!” she shouted, but the man, or demon, was already gone. Then she remembered Colt. He was lying on the ground, the grass under him burnt to crisps. But Keira didn’t pay attention to that; she ran to his side, the tears filling her eyes once again, blurring her vision. Even through the fuzz, she could see the destruction. His body was burned beyond recognition, his face twisted into deformity. His eyes were open, for his eyelids had been incinerated, and not a breath escaped the hole where his mouth had been. He was gone.
“Colt! Colt!” she sobbed, burring her face into his chest. He’s gone. And I never told him. “Colt, you can’t be gone. I love you. Please! Come back. I love you!” she cried, shaking his body. “I can fix this…” She held her hands, palms down, over his body. “Guardians… help me. Give me the strength to heal him. Please!” she prayed, waiting for the power to flood her body. But no light appeared. He is with us, now, said a quartet of voices in her head, all speaking at the same time.
Keira felt the anger boil within her. As a warrior for the Guardians, she had trained to keep her emotions under control, but all training, all practice, was gone now, and rage flooded into her.
”No! No! NO! I swear, Colt. I swear, I’ll kill the demon who did this to you. Guardians, I swear!” she yelled, hugging his body to her chest and rocking back and forth.
Hi brassnbridle
I like this post and I think you said that it was a bit further on in the story then the other post.
I think you should write the stuff that happens in between instead of just jumping from one bit to another.
I also think you should re-read this post then you can sort out the mistakes for yourself and re-reading your work is a good thing to do anyway.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread
Hey Kanen, Stella here!
So you don't want line by line? Okay, fine by me- but if anything blaring catches my eye, I'll put it down. It would feel wrong not to, whether you pay attention or not is another matter entirely.
I. NITPICKS
Yeah, I always find something that bugs me with first lines. Before his fingertips sounds weird. How about just plain "at"?
Whose thoughts are as precise as this? You could leave off the last half of the second sentence, or the second sentence altogether.
Okay, this is cool, a light crashing? Lights don't crash, but you're acting like this is an everyday occurrence! How does it feel to have a light crashing into you? Also, you repeat "crash" in your next sentence.
She hasn't made a noise yet, and this struck me as weird. She doesn't say anything in the whole fight.
This is graphic, but now I'm wondering, wouldn't his eyeball burn too?
It's a bit of an abrupt ending. I know it's an extract, so I'm not going to be fussy, but I feel another paragraph might have rounded it off nicely.
Alright.
II. OVERALL
Overall, I quite liked this, it didn't have anything absolutely terrible in it. I felt like you're a bit weak on characterisation. Now, if you think you're strong on characterisation I'll trust your judgment, but all I go here were a few clichéed villain and revenge lines. As it's an extract, I'm not that worried, but you'd want to make sure there's a ton more in the rest of your story. As well as that, you give us no real clue as to her relationship with Colt- and this is a moment where you could develop so much. Instead you just sort of tell us what happened and a bit of "Oh, yeah, Keira was angry." I'd love to see proper grief.
Guess this is the problem with writing stuff in half an hour, you've obviously got talent, but it's nowhere near as good as you could be.
But overall I actually sort of enjoyed that. I'm going to hunt for more little bits of it (if you want to PM me about them I'd be happy to take a look. If you would rather I left you alone, psh, fine.)
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x