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Young Writers Society



The Assassin's Redemption Chapter 2 Part 2

by KanenRenoir


Here's the next part of my story. Hope you enjoy.

Spoiler! :
***

Dracon ran after the two men, the arrow still protruding from his arm. If he removed it, he ran the risk of bleeding out. His entire right arm was numb, but Dracon didn’t notice. Ramar would need his help.

His master was old and his joints were not what they use to be. He didn’t train anymore and had not gone on a mission in years. From what Dracon could tell, the rebel was young and fit; he would have to be to try and kill the King. If he decided to turn and fight, Ramar would be in danger.

The Assassin rushed through the halls of the palace, finally reaching the exit. He ran through the garden and keep, passing swiftly through the gates. Outside he stopped, scanning the ground for any evidence of recent activity. Finding what he wanted, Dracon continued left down the street.

Not an ounce of daylight still lived. The moon was out, casting eerie shadows along the silent, empty alleys.

Up ahead, Dracon heard a familiar sound break the quiet. Swords. He released his last bit of energy, sprinting as fast as he could down the alley. The two men came into view, swords drawn. As he watched, the rebel sliced downward, cutting into Ramar’s leg. His master fell, and the man stepped in for the kill. No!!!

Just as the man was about to finish the High Assassin, a boy appeared, attacking the rebel with a knife. The man was taken by surprise, but quickly recovered. He parried and stabbed, running the boy through. The child dropped to the ground.

The rebel looked up and met Dracon’s eyes. Then he turned to run.

“Stop!” he yelled, but the man had already disappeared.

Dracon burst out of the alley and into the intersection. Ramar and the boy, who Dracon recognized form the morning, lay on the floor. He instinctively ran to Ramar, who was still conscious. A huge gash was apparent on his right thigh.

“I’m fine, fool! Go see to the boy,” he grunted, his face twisted in pain. Dracon obeyed without hesitation. The child was unconscious, a stab mark evident on his left side and a pool of blood collecting around him. Dracon tore of his shirt and pressed it on the wound, trying to stop the bleeding. But it just kept pouring out. He pressed harder and harder. From the distance came the sound of hooves, gradually growing closer.


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98 Reviews


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Wed Mar 10, 2010 9:16 pm
curiousvampire wrote a review...



I've read you entire story and have to say that I love it so far and keep up the spectacular job. It really takes me back to Assassin Creed and I love Draco he's a lot more thoughtful when he take a life than Altair will ever be.Can't wait for the update.Good luck!

-CV :wink:




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482 Reviews


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Wed Mar 10, 2010 6:00 am
Ranger Hawk wrote a review...



All right, here I am for a review! Once again, you've delivered quite well! My only real complaint is that I wasn't sure just where you were starting from with Dracon's point of view. I thought you were picking up directly from where you left off from Kanen's pov, so it took me a little while to realize that this is what happens after he leaves the palace. Perhaps you could clarify that?

Another thing I noticed is that you give a very rushed account; there's sort of a detached feel from Dracon's perspective. I don't know whether you're wanting that sort of personality for him, what with him being an assassin and all, but for a reader, it's key that we empathize with the characters.

Okay, that was all that really stood out to me. The rest of it is brilliant; keep up the good work! :)




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Tue Mar 09, 2010 4:43 am
BondGirl007 wrote a review...



Heya Kanen, since I just read through what you already have I must say that this is a pretty awesome story you have so far. Each chapter kept me entertained, and you've got good action in it. There are some minor edits I would do though.

His entire right arm was numb, but Dracon didn’t notice.

Instead I would say something like "His entire right arm was numb, but Dracon tried not to notice" Since he already acknowledged that it's numb.

and the man stepped in for the kill. No!!!
Add something at the end to the effect of "He screamed silently." Something like that, I don't know it's up to you.

I really like it so far, you've got a style that's very easy to read, you don't get caught up in over describing everything, but you don't lack descriptions either.

Nice work, keep writing!

~Hope





You are in the wrong land even if the roosters recognize you.
— Nathalie Handal, "Noir, une lumière"