Young Writers Society

Hi Kandi, I'm Juniper,


While I feel like there were places in this poem where the lines read like sentences from a narrative prose piece rather than something poetic, I absolutely adore the way you have illustrated the sickness. Recently, I wrote something that recounted a time of sickness for someone close to me, and I tried to portray that gradual feeling of decline of health parallel to the increase of strength in sickness. I couldn't quite find how to do it, but here, you seem to have lassoed much of the vocabulary I spent hours searching for (to no avail) effortlessly.

As the prior reviewer says, this poem feels daunting and daring, as if it's tiptoeing you forward into your own misery, and that's what writing good poetry is all about: making your readers feel like they are experiencing what you're writing about.

Two thumbs up,

June

Very interesting poem. Also sort of daring too; you took a risk and wrote on a heavy subject. The problem I see here is that the tone should be flipped from beginning to end. At the beginning of the poem you were describing a relatively sane person. Yet the imagery brought me in immediately:

or an uneasy aura surrounding/you like a hazy fog that won't/lift, only settle and thicken

Nothing seems to bring comfort -/there's only the building terror inside you./Now it's certain - you can't escape it,/can't do anything, and it's coming.

Hey .. SecreteJournalist here for a review. I will follow you, I follow anyone that I review.. sorry if I miss anything.. the last few days have been rough :/

I will go stanza by stanza..

It feels like an ominous cloud
looming over you at first,
or an uneasy aura surrounding
you like a hazy fog that won't
lift, only settle and thicken
with each passing day.

Good descriptioning, I can understand the imagery. It is one long sentance, if at all possibal, try breaking it up to smaller sentences. So far, I dont see any mispellings or bad grammar.

Then it becomes a soft whisper and
grows into a sharp awareness
of foreshadowing.
Anxiety and insecurity grip you as you
slowly lose your peace of mind
with this increasing disturbance.

Love it.. just wondeful! Great description.

Suddenly there are glimpses -
happening on and off - of odd things:
strangers and unknown objects
flashing into existence, then
disappearing just as abruptly,
quickening your thudding heart.

Explain to me an example of odd things. But still, great so far!

As these hallucinations (are they really?)
change from slightly scary to absolutely horrifying,
you develop a constant trembling.
Everything has become sinister and dark.
Nothing seems to bring comfort -
there's only the building terror inside you.

Wait, now heres another question, your inspiration? Well, besides illness.. like did this happen to you?

Now it's certain - you can't escape it,
can't do anything, and it's coming.
Steadily, stealthily, feeding on the fear.
You scream out for a cure, for salvation,
even though nobody's out there to save
you from the steep depths of insanity.

The last stanza was breathtaking. Just wow! Great poem, I think I would give it a 9.9 out of 10. give a little bit MORE description, and try and break up the first stanzas sentence, and boom! 10 out of 10. I loved the title too. Wheres your inspiration, besides illness? were you this ill? well anyway, great job!

really nice, the imagery and personification was quite good. I would, however, keep it a little more vague if that makes sense. The effect you are looking more is even more effective if you use your words to conjure feelings in the reader, not state outright what they should be feeling . Otherwise I think it was pretty good, not much grammar to correct, so an overall nice job.