“in all the operations of art and nature, nothing is created; an equal quantity of matter exists both before and after…” ~ Traité Élémentaire de Chimie, Antoine Lavoisier, 1789
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There was this boy with a face coarse as the shoreline. Taught me that you need four peaches, one cup of sugar and your Momma’s tea leaves for the best iced tea in town. It’s funny, really, to see him sitting on an upsidedown wine crate, so worn you’d think it’d collapse right under him. He tells me how down the street he buys the peaches from his Pop.
Who’d buy iced tea here? The windows along the building wall are grated, when half the wall is missing anyways. And the sidewalk feels blazed under my feet. It’s mighty pretty to be honest, the way the ivy clings to the metal fences and how the paint gave up a long time ago and cracked and relaxed for once.
“It’s the best spot, I promise.”
His teeth gleam a little when he speaks.
“I’m going to sell it until it’s all gone, like I do every day.”
I wonder what he gets from selling iced tea, day in and out, for three cents a sip. I told him he’d be better off in the square, the one with crooked yellow tiles crawled with cats without collars. Or to work in his Pop’s store selling peaches rather then buying them again.
“My Pop grows fruits on these crooked tree branches. And he watches them everyday until they’re ready to sell.”
I can see the fan turning, turning, turning inside, buzzed on the thought that soon aromas will curl around their blades. And they wait with the white chairs that curl in when you sit down, skin pinched to keep you awake even when the peaches are as dormant as ever. It’s far too warm today.
“It honestly tastes the best that way.”
I think this boy, who looks like his face eroded away, is irritating. There’s nothing good about sitting with fruit pits between your teeth waiting for some sole passerby to crave some damn peach iced tea.
“You know, it’s hot out here. You should sit down.”
I don’t want to sit on some crate that’s supposed to epitomize viticulture these days. It’s cracked in three places.
“I planted that tree, you know. It doesn’t look like much, nothing at all really. But someday I won’t have to pay for my peaches.”
It looks about ready to crack too, like the cups on the table, the pitcher, this wine crate I’m sitting on.
“My momma said, whatever I’ll put in, I’ll get out so I water it everyday. And I’ll find a way to grow mountain tea some other day. And then some day my Pop’ll sell my peach tea.”
–
I think about that boy some days, when it’s far too hot to do anything but sit outside and wish it was a wine crate and wish I’d go back and find him watching his peach tree. It’d be spider armed by now, with a fan lapping overhead like the sun against the window grates.
Then again, the building’s probably gone by now, crumbled like the shoreline. Maybe, he’d have a shop where that building was, with white walls and a sliding door, only for peaches and tea leaves. Or he’s a business man.
Nevertheless, his face would stay somewhat the same I think, eroded at the cheeks, selling peach tea cartons with a picture of his tree insisting the best goes in. I’m sure he’d smirk if he saw me now and tell me quite simply
“It’s simple logic really, with four peaches, one cup of sugar, and Momma’s best tea leaves it’ll always be the best.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hmmm. Here I am, helping an author in need. Doubt you need my help, cuz this is lovely, but here we go.
First off, I'd watch the dialogue. I'm getting confused as to who's talking and who's answering, and if he's reading your narrator's mind and if so, HOW? so intriguing!, and if not, why are we not getting her/his questions as dialogue? And why is the kid buying the peaches from his Pop? Shouldn't he be getting them for free considering they're related?
"Crooked yellow tiles THAT crawled with cats without collars." Lovely. Still not sure why he's buying these peaches, but okay.
Okay, despite the fact that the fan threw me off big time the first few runs through this piece, what's up with the white chairs and the skin pinching and all that? And why is the boy talking randomly? This piece makes me feel like I'm grabbing at your ivy fences but I keep falling off because there's nothing to grab onto. This is too much like poetry, now. Give me dialogue. Give me something to hold.
Ummm. How is the crate supposed to epitomize viticulture? And why is the kid talking? And what's he talking about?
This is all gorgeous, but it's not prose. Is it supposed to be? There's no plot, I don't think, and the kid confused me and the dialogue confused me. And it's true--I'm easily confused! But I'm not sure if this is something you ever want to look at again, so for any future prose ventures, which you should do because you're fantastic, keep it simple. Give us an arc. Give us a plot. Give us a climax. And don't try to poet-rize it. Us prose-readers are slow, dull creatures who need things to connect in a semi-plausible way. Your writing is so beautiful--don't use it to confuse us.
Lovely job, Kamas. Write more prose, okay? It makes me happy.
At first I clicked on this because of the title without even realizing it was yours, because I just took a 180-question exam concentrating largely on conservation of mass and balancing equations. But then I realized my chainsaw-buddy wrote prose. Hope to be of some assistance! I'm going to focus on the smaller, more technical things since this has a good overall-feel behind it, and it's short enough that I can go line-by-line. You've got the heart and characters well-- it's the mechanics that are sloppy.
The rest of the story is in present tense. Why the past tense here? Also, this is minuscule and nitpicky, but I think there should be an "as" after "face".
Because of the comma the last bit here ("so worn...under him") feels like it's being attributed to the boy you're talking about rather than the crate. If you replaced the comma with a "that's" it might read a bit more smoothly. I think this is a form of a dangling participle where the subjects don't quite match.
Blazed? Blazing, maybe. Blazed sounds like something you do to a cake or piece of pottery. I don't think it's a word in this context.
Crawled needs to be crawling. Then needs to be than.
I'd avoid using "curled" twice for these images, especially so closely together.
What is the antecedent of that bolded "it"? The subject was lost somewhere.
I like the feel of it. I like your narrator's internal thoughts and how the poetic bits of your writing leak into your prose, show through the cracks like with the lines about the fans and the peach tree. The main issue I had here was with the dialogue. It isn't connected; it doesn't progress. It isn't a conversation. It's strictly structured like this, paragraph by paragraph:
Introspection/description
Boy's line of dialogue
Introspection/description
Boy's line of dialogue
Thing is, they're not even answering each other's questions or talking about the same things, really. And that makes it feel stilted. But more importantly, it disconnects the narrator to the boy, which is a problem since the entire story is about an exchange between them and how it lingers in the narrator's head even years later. With that disconnect that memory seems fake, fabricated. Unsurprisingly, this is lyrical and prettily-written, albeit some editing errors I'm sure you would've caught anything (right!?
It's a good exercise-- one that proves you're not nearly as inept at prose as you seem to think you are, hehe. I'd love to see you work at it some more. You have the kind of easy, lilting style that readers can gobble up, as long as you iron out the careless mistakes and focus on what you're trying to convey.
~Evi