Young Writers Society

Hey, Kalsie! I'm here to reply to your essay today! c:

This year has been the hardest. From being locked up in my house most of the year because we are quarantined. then finally getting back to normal and being put back online for school because covid is so real. This is the most outrageous thing that has ever happened to me.

I know that a lot of you are gonna say that Governor Whitmore is just trying to keep us safe and she is the best governor well I don't believe that. unlike the other kids that go to my school, I believe in freedom of speech.

if I was 18 I would be voting for trump because he is not running because he wants to be powerful he is running because he is trying to make this state great again.

i think that it is not right that the teachers get to praise Joe Biden and dress up as governor Whitmore I'm sick of the school systems and the liberal media.

'___'

HI

Do not lose sight in the good of each side. Things are very polarized these days, which leads to hate on both sides. Do not forget they are people too. Everyone thinks differently and just because they disagree with you does not mean they are less of a person or you should hate them necessarily.

It is good that you are staying true to your beliefs and opinions even when others disagree with you. Many people forget that you can think differently from the group. We are all individuals that take part in a bigger group. We do not always need to agree with the group to be part of the group.

Staying politically active and understanding the world around you is so very important especially in todays world.

Remember you are entitled to your opinions and thoughts. Do not let someone tell you, you cannot think the way you want to.

Keep writing my friend.

Hi Kalsie,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying the site so far, and if you have any questions about it as you're getting settled in I'd be glad to answer them.

@ShadowVyper already gave some great advice on essay writing, so I'll try not to repeat what she wrote in her review! I will say though, while in a less formal essay strict and rigid structure isn't necessarily needed, it's always good to organize your thoughts in a way that's coherent and easy to read. If you don't want to organize this in the typical hamburger approach (five paragraphs, the intro and conclusion acting as "buns"), I'd still recommend having a clear and concise opening sentence and a concluding sentence that wraps things up tidily.

For example, if you want your piece of writing to be about how you disagree with liberal choices to do x, y, and z, quickly summarize that in your opening sentence: "This year has been hard due to Covid-19, and I believe that the liberal's approach has just made the situation worse, specifically because of x, y, and z things that they've done".

Similarly, in your concluding sentence, say the same thing, just in a fresh way: "I disagree with how liberals have been responding to Covid-19 this year, specifically how they did x, y, and z things."

Additionally, if you're wanting to tidy this piece of writing up, I'd definitely suggest you run it through an editing app - maybe Grammarly - just to catch little grammar errors, such as making sure you capitalize the beginning of each sentence. Little details can help a work feel polished!

And finally, I just want to give a word of advice regarding the title of this piece as someone who considers herself "liberal". While a title like "I hate liberals" is certainly going to grab a person's attention, it's also going to alienate any self-identified liberal who comes to read your work. Saying that you hate a group of people isn't generally going to make that group of people want to listen to the rest of what you have to say. It's always kinder, stronger, more respectful, more mature, and more persuasive to say something like "I disagree with liberal ideas" or "I disagree with recent liberal actions on [fill-in-the-blank] subject". Then, if a liberal sees that title, they might be interested to hear why this is the case and they will definitely be more willing to hear your opinion.

So in general, while saying "I hate x group of people" may seem like an effective way to make a strong point, in the end it almost always makes that point weaker and less credible. Just something to keep in mind!

I think it's always important that people share and discuss opinions, so I appreciate that you wanted to share yours. My main suggestions for how to improve this piece of writing are
1) Organize your ideas ~ even if not in a traditional essay style, I'd definitely suggest including an opening and closing sentence.
2) Do some quick proof-reading/editing to catch typos and grammar errors, as this helps your work feel more complete and polished.
3) While it's great to share opinions, it's always more effective to do so in a polite and respectful manner <3

I hope this review is helpful and if you have any questions about it, feel free to ask.

whatcha

Hi Kalsie,

I hope you're well! Shady here to review your short essay today!

I'll be honest with you, I'm having a bit of trouble picking out the structure of this essay. Typically essays go:

Paragraph One
Orient the reader to the topic and outlines the scope/purpose of your essay. You then generally outline, briefly, what you want to talk about, and then end with your thesis sentence, which basically is the point you want to argue. So in your case, your thesis statement might be something like "I believe the response to COVID-19 has been too extreme" or something like that.

Typically, the essay then has 3 paragraphs of body, but they all follow the same general structure which is:

Body
Start with a topic sentence. This will be the point you want to develop in this paragraph. You will then include supporting details. And then a concluding sentence, which should lead nicely into your next paragraph.

Conclusion
The last of your paragraphs should be your conclusion. This is where you will summarize your arguments briefly and also restate your thesis. By now you should have built up enough facts/evidence to have convinced your readers, so your conclusion paragraph just ties it all together and helps bring the central theme together in a nice summary.

As it is, this reads more like a rant than an essay, if I'm being frank. I'm not seeing any clear structure to this essay, and that's making it a bit hard to critique. You jump from quarantine to online school to the governor to freedom of speech to Trump to "brainwashed" peers to Biden to the media and it's a bit hard to pull any sort of structure out of that whatsoever. I'm also not seeing any facts to back up your claims, which are a central part of essays.

I'd encourage you to take a look at your essay and try to identify the three biggest points you'd like to make to develop your body. Then you can think of what facts/evidence there are to support those claims. I'd encourage you to really dig into the meat of the issues and find some citations to back up the claims you're making. It's generally good taste to back up particularly-controversial points with non-biased sources that your readers can look into to further understand the topic.

Your job as an essay-writer is to introduce me to the topic, give me well-supported arguments for your position on the topic, then wrap it up and convince me why you're right about what you think. That's a bit hard to do if you don't have a clear premise for why it is that you're writing this essay, to begin with.

Outlining is certainly a super challenging skill! But I think it's one worth practicing, particularly if you intend to revise this. It'll help you draw out the main points you want to make, and gives you something to focus on when you're looking for sources to support your claims.

Finally, I'd encourage you to be careful about what personal information you share. I don't know how old you are, but since you say you're under 18, it's particularly important that you keep yourself safe by not sharing personal information online. Since you say Governor Whitmer is in charge of your state, now anyone who reads this essay will know you're from Michigan. Of course, a state is a vague area, but you should be careful not to let too much information slip on YWS or anywhere else on the internet so that you stay safe.

Hope this helped! Happy writing!

~Shady