This one is from my NaPoWriMo. I went a little nuts with the line breaks and would like to know what you think of this.
Lullaby
Raise your voice. Sing
a soothing song for us.
Comfort him,
this isn’t his mistake.
Send him sweetest dreams;
watch his peaceful sleep
while his mama lies awake.
Sing about the wonders
he will never see.
Tell him ‘bout the strong man
he will never be.
Sing to him a love song
from the wife he’ll never have
and sing with me a prayer.
Let’s hope they love him
up above.
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140,644 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
This is a beautiful, moving poem. The tone is great and it flows well.
My only suggestion is that you add "that" before each of the "he will" s.
Was the layout deliberate? I'd suggest getting rid of the spaces between the lines, as I think it will read a touch more easily without them, and I don't see the need for them.
Hope this helps.
Jas
This was pretty mind blowing!
Keep it up!
I wonder who this is referring to.
When I first read it, the word "sin" popped in my head.
But it sounds more like a man who has a terminal illness or maybe he can't leave bed.
Or the man could be a sick child that's going to die soon.
That's my interpretation of this poem.
Keep writing. I didn't like the breaks too much, but I really think you have potential.
Happy writing. See you later! ^ ^
I love the rhythm to this piece! And I think the line breaks are ok, but I might vary them up a bit- it's such beautiful language that you don't want the reader to start skimming, especially because there is a bit of repetition.
Overall though, I think it's beautiful. I'm new here, but I'd love to read other stuff you've written.
~~
awh, it's sad, why did the little baby have to die? anyway this is a very good poem and i gave it a gold star, this was absolutly amazing and great supercalifragilisticexpialadociously good job
---Jon---
wow. this was very captivating. the flow was there, your wording was perfect.
the whole poem was flawless and beautiful...and...and...wow...
I am in love with this poem!
Though the meaning is incredibly sad, the soothing rhythm of the poem makes it feel much easier to read and makes the situation easier to understand. It is so easy to read and the feeling that comes through is really strong.
I'm sorry but there was no critisism in this review. I love the poem.
Natalie
AMAZING!! I love it!! man, its so true!! I can't find anything else to say except it was soo good!
it doesnt rhyme...
haha i'm so childish.
its pretty good..
if only i was smart enough to understand it...
but i think i get it,
i mean....
whats not to get?
right?
its a damn lullaby...
shit
all in all it was a very moving piece, from the very beginning i felt the mood of it, i really understood what you were trying to put across. it really captured my attention, though i'm not too sure about the beat, but then again music has different genres and there are many different ways a song can be played.But i will have to agree with the person who posted a few lines above me-in the second to last line the "let's" makes the reader jump out of the wonderful comatose this priece induces!
i give it a 5/5 and i hope to be listening one day and hear those lyrics beat through my radio!
~ " you see i simply do whatever i want" -bart simpson~
Excellent. My only comment would be that the lines...
"Sing about the wonders
he will never see.
Tell him ‘bout the strong man
he will never be."
...threw me off a bit, being the only rhyming verses in the entire poem. If that needs changing or not, I don't know; it's up to you. Very good.
Wow, that was absolutely AMAZING! It makes me think that there was a child born from an accidental pregnancy, and how people think he will never become the "best" just because of this fact.
I agree with Nolan about the rhythm thing... but I am going to give you 4.5/5 Stars
Great work!
This was beautiful. It acutally felt like a lullaby. It was very warm ,very tender there are no mistakes in this. It was perfect.
OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!!!!!! That was amazing it made me want to cry! It is really good, I thought the choppyness kind of suited it. To me it seemed like it was almost a song.
This was a powerful piece of poetry.
It was splendid.
Although, it did seem a bit choppy.
And, a little too rough.
The choppiness kinda took meaning from the poem.
Instead of concentrating on what you were conveying, I was distracted by the rhythmic changes.
Like, in this part, you could have been great with a little bit more rhythm.
It's a wonderful turn of phrase.
You just didn't put the meaning into it that it could have held.
Send him sweetest dreams;
watch his peaceful sleep
while his mama lies awake.
Sing about the wonders
he will never see.
Tell him ‘bout the strong man
he will never be.
I love the poetry in that, but there is very little rhythm.
4 out of 5 stars.
For me, the poem was more literal. It was about a dying baby who'll never grow up. One of the best aspects of poetry is how the same poem can mean something different to everyone.
To the review - I loved this. It was incredibly sad but so beautiful, and I thought you chose an excellent title.
If I had to be picky, I'd ask about the breaks of the first and third line:
Obviously you warned us about the line breaks and I was looking out for them - this is the only place I wondered why you chose to split them this way.
If I had to tell you my favourite lines I'd be quoting the whole poem, but the last section was especially poignant:
You conveyed so much emotion in the simplicity of the poem and I just loved it.
Let me see if I can translate this.
It sounds like it is about a guy who did not do really well in life, and some kind of holy figure is telling him that even though he didn't have a good life, it will be alright when he reaches paradise.
Am I right?
Even if I am wrong, it still gave me chills. Just the overall atmosphere of the poem really made it something special. It's like a song that is so inspiring you don't even care what it says. The music and the way the singer sings it just makes it sacred, like the song "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" by U2.
You know that you have something special when you can get readers to not care what you're talking about and still LOVE it.
You have something special.
This is a wonderful poem. I have nothing else to say...
Good work!! And keep up!!
Oh, my. This is really sweet. It's also a little sad. I only wish I knew the reason why he won't grow up, and then go save him. I'll try to dig some small nit-picks, but they don't really matter that much.
This feels a little contradictory. You have to raise your voice, but still sing soothingly. That isn't impossible, I know – but it left me wondering. Unless the "you" was whispering before he/she started to sing, then this would be more understandable.
This is sad. I just don't like the "let's" very much. Could it be replaced with some other word(s)?
Other than these minor things, this was really beautiful. Thank you.
Demeter xx
Oooh! I like this poem a lot! Sorry, this is kind of a pointless review, but I found no mistakes or anything., and I wanted say at least something. It's perfect!
10 gold stars for you!
Holly
omg! i LOVE this!