On the verge of tears
you stare at the black board.
Confusing numbers and equations
dancing in front of your nose,
clear and cutting words
sitting on your mind.
You push them around,
they push a tear off the edge,
they sit there, unignorable,
right in front of your eyes.
You can't see them, but you hear.
They can't hear you.
Do they see?
Is this in the right section? I'm not sure.
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140,637 Literary Works • 673,574 Reviews
Hello!
Okay, first off, I'd like to say that these few lines...
...are kind of awkward because you don't know if you mean the people in the classroom watching (if there are any) or if you mean the tears. I still really don't know...
And second, I think that this is a fairly good poem. Except for, like the others said, I think that you need some more emotion. Yes, we can guess that she's probably embarassed up there in front of the class, totally confused as to what to do with all those numbers and words on the board. But that's just the thing--we have to guess what the speaker means . The reader should never ever have to guess unless it's a mystery novel or something. Make it more clear these feelings that the speaker has. We all know (and this is my favorite advice) that if the reader can really feel what the speaker feels, then you've got a truly wonderfully written piece.
Good luck to you,
Holly.
(a totally random question... is the dress in your profile pic see-though? lol)
Hello I really like what you got here and I agree with october girl on its the right section. What I seen in this is you seemed kind of scarce on this add more to it. It was really good what I read I like the emotion put into it very good well done. *claps*
But It needs more.
In the end to make a long story short the poem was good. Don't be afraid to add more details. If you have any questions about what I said feel free to pm me anytime or see me in chat.
Keep on writing!!!!
SimonCowellLuver
Hello, (yes it's in the right place) what to say aboout this piece? Hmm, let's start off with, what was I suppose to feel behind it? Hurt, betrayel, love? I didn't understand what you were trying to make the reader feel, which is a shame-the poem was confusing. What's the catch? The story behind it? You had a very good vocabulary in the poem but nothing that really blew me away, I'm sorry. I don't mean for this to be harsh. I hope this helps.
As Always
-Max.
PM me if you have any questions or need help, or advice.