I agree with the other posts that it read more like a poem rather than a song. I thought it started off kinda weak, but got very strong as it moved along.
[Note: I wrote this some time ago and I'm not too sure about it, so please tell me what you think!]
Loving you in vain
I feel bad for shutting you out
everytime you tried to talk to me
I just didn't want to get on your nerves
with all my issues and all my crying
I guess that just made it worse
[Chorus]
I am sorry for being so weak
I know you deserve much better than this
I am sorry for going insane sometimes
but the thought gets me I might be loving you in vain
I regret yelling at you
telling you to just leave
didn't want to watch you drive away
nor had I the strength to ask you to stay
now I'm left here on my own
[Chorus]
I am sorry for being so weak
I know you deserve much better than this
I am sorry for going insane sometimes
but the thought gets me I might be loving you in vain
I feel bad for acting so cold
and for being so self-centered
just don't know what to do
I feel so insecure around you
so scared to fall once more
[Chorus]
I am sorry for being so weak
I know you deserve much better than this
I am sorry for going insane sometimes
but the thought gets me I might be loving you in vain
I feel bad for not trusting you
everytime you talk to another
but I've been hurt so many times
my dream of love was never true
I think another fall would break me
[Chorus]
I am sorry for being so weak
I know you deserve much better than this
I am sorry for going insane sometimes
but the thought gets me I might be loving you in vain
I agree with the other posts that it read more like a poem rather than a song. I thought it started off kinda weak, but got very strong as it moved along.
the story line was good, i had a tendancy tho to skip alll the chorus. i was thinking it as a poem , but it turned out to be a song. as a poem it is really good, take out the chorus, because with out the music, it is hard to tell if it is good or not.
but altogether, i really liked your writing. keep going
kim
Hi Kalliope!
Hmm, this as a song. I'm having a bit of a problem with it, though I'm not really sure why. I have a hard time with lyric poetry because I'm not entire sure what to say. Though, with this one in particular, I think my main issue with it is the "I". Everything in the lyrics is all about the artist, not about who they are signing it to. In dramatic poetry this irks me as well, too much "I" oriented. Try ditching some of the I's and just explaining things without them and see where that takes you.
Happy editing!
Via
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