Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Daniel stood in front of his bedroom mirror calmly spraying cologne on his neck. He could see his mother watching him angrily from the doorway. He pretended to brush his black hair for the hundredth time in an attempt to get her to leave his room."I already told you I'm not delaying this just so I can go to that guys funeral." Daniel set the brush down and turned to face his mother.
She replied with a stern voice. I told you not to use that type of language in front of me. "You don't have a choice you are going to your father's funeral whether you like it or not."
Daniel scoffed in disgust at her nerve. "he wasn't my father and the asshole got killed fucking a Teddiursa in the Pokemon Center. Like what the fuck?" Daniel sat down on his bed and laughed at the thought of the little bear pokemon slashing his step dad's neck open. "You honestly want me to go to the funeral of someone who had sex with an animal?" He asked while looking at his mother questioningly.
His mother pursed her lips and blushed before yelling at him in frustration. "It doesn't matter how he died he supported us when nobody else would. You are not going to disrespect him like that." Her face became even more red and she began rubbing her throat when she finished yelling.
Daniel stood up in anger and yelled right back at her. "He tried to fucking suck me off. I told you that and you didn't do anything except let him fuck you after you got wasted!." His mother grabbed his shirt and pushed him into his mirror. His head began to throb and before he could react his mother stormed out of his room sobbing into her hands. The flechtling perched on a shelf above him began chirping angrily while hopping in place. Daniel stood up and brushed the glass off his shirt.
He grabbed his phone the top of his dresser and walked out of his room. He stopped outside of his mother's and pressed his ear against the door. She was talking to someone on her phone in between sobs. Daniel continued down the stairs and out of the house locking the door behind him. A large Ryhorn was napping underneath an oak tree. He left the front yard and closed the gate behind him. Suddenly a girl approached him slowly from behind.
"My name is Shauna. I came by earlier but I heard some yelling so I left." Professor Sycamore said I was supposed to take you to the meeting place."
End of chapter
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139,547 Literary Works • 672,606 Reviews
Hey Kalder!
I'll be doing a quick review of your first chapter before heading into your second.
Alright, this was really disturbing. Not really how I envisioned a Pokemon fanfic would present itself. The whole part about the Zoophilia is quite sick and very unneccesary, as well as unintentionally funny. In fact, it should have been a Pikachu, that would have been funnier. But again, it was probably meant to be taken seriously.
Now, unless the mother has big issues of her own as well, then there is no way she would defend and stand up for her husband.
Edit
You forgot to put this in quotations. Also, what type of language? He hasn't begun swearing at this point.
This seems odd. Why?
I notice you start a lot of sentences with 'Daniel did this, Daniel did that' etc. Try to mix it up.
Edit
Edit
You should really reconsider the use of such harsh language in this series, as most of your Pokemon fans will be put off by it. Heck, just the rating alone will lose you a lot of readers. Might be why it took so long for the reviews to pop in as well.
This first chapter should also be put together with your second one, as both of them are extremely short and together they won't even be close.
I do like how you tried to change up a regular fanfic by introducing such elements, but the results are still bad. I'll see where the story goes in 'chapter' two.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
I liked this piece, but it simply wasn't my cup of tea. The way that you made it into a more adult piece just felt wrong to me. I seriously doubt that any man would fuck a teddiursa, though. They have claws, man. At least he chose a normal type and not something that could electrify his dick off.
However, how the Hell could a mother still defend that disgusting man after he tried to suck off her son?! If I were that mother, I would have disowned that man the second that he did that. There's something seriously wrong with that mother.
How old is Daniel? Is he the same age as a player would be? 13? That's a seriously fucked up way to start out your teen years. I can assume, though, that he's older. However, I think that you really should mention that.
As I said, I liked this piece alright, but I simply don't care for it as a Pokémon fanfiction. It kills the fun that one can have from Pokémon. I would suggest you simply making this into a stand-alone thing. I don't think it fits Pokémon even close.
I was excited to read a piece of Pokèmon fanfic but unfortunately I didn't enjoy this.
I noticed that you said you wanted to make this more "adult" but I definitely feel like the swearing and certainly the events were just forced for the sake of an 18+ tag. The fact that you have Daniel openly and blatantly speaking about his father's beastiality just leaves nothing to the imagination.
I understand you might have been going for shock value here but instead it's just quite grotesque. You need to set up Daniel's father to be a character we want to hate, it isn't enough to just say he had sex with an animal and leave it at that.
And then there's the whole sexual abuse story you touch on too, I just don't think this is the kind of story that benefits from being set in the Pokèmon universe. It's intensely grotesque for the sake of it and if you want to relay these kind of very confronting emotions and events, you need to build up to it instead of just lumping so much sexually abusive material in the first part.
This piece is very unsettling and I would hope the story would develop a bit beyond this initial info dump into a more descriptive journey for the characters.
I appreciate your honesty and I apologize that you did not enjoy this. This is my first attempt at creative writing but that does not excuse the terrible story line. I wanted to give Daniel a bit of back story explaining why his father was gone instead of it never being mentioned. I realize now that could have been done in a more fashionable way. Once again I am sorry you did not enjoy this and I will be sure to change a lot of things in chapter 3. Thank you for the review