Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
The sweltering heat of summer made Imogene toss and turn in her bed. She was wide awake, and her eye refused to shut. The hot and heavy air made it impossible for her to sleep. She sat up and looked around her room. The room was plain and simple, considering Imogene didn't make much money. Although, when her mother came back from her job as a doctor every weekend, she'd bring Imogene something expensive and pretty, but always useful. Like a mirror or new shoes or a comb. Although, her mother never brought her half sister Erin anything, not even a little trinket. When Imogene asked her mother why, her mother told her that Erin desired nothing, nor did she really need anything. That was the first clue her mother had given her about what Erin really was. Imogene glanced around the room, Erin, was wide awake. Erin wore the same placid smile she always wore, but Imogene knew that her half sisters tranquil expression was but a mask she wore. Underneath the charming visage was a corpse.
Imogene could not stand the irksome expression her sister gave her. She got up from her bed and trudged toward the only window in her bedroom, where she could see the sun rising. She rubbed her heavy eyelids and put on her clothes, ready to perform the rest of her morning ritual. She washed her face and brushed her hair and dressed into her work clothes. Erin had decided to get out of bed as well. She too, performed her everyday ritual and went to the kitchen to make the family breakfast. Although Imogene was not particularly fond of her sister, she enjoyed the delectable meals her sister made. Erin was a prodigy when it came to cooking. Then again, Erin was a prodigy at everything, excelling at anything she did.
Imogene padded across the wooden floors of her little cottage, put on her boots and opened the door. It was still dark out, except for the sunrise which peaked through the horizon like a halo. Imogene could see the stone wall that surrounded all of Ravenswood in the distance. She wondered what was beyond the wall. Of course, it was forbidden to go beyond the wall, unless you were forced to do so if one had committed an atrocity. The wall was strictly for keeping villagers inside Ragenswood, and keeping outsiders out. Those were the high priests orders. The village had spent copious amounts of money to build the iron walls that stood tall and strong. To keep people inside these walls, the high priest had forbidden any books or paintings or technology from the outside. Still, Imogene wondered what seductive secrets were waiting to be discovered.
Imogene walked along the dirt path to the well to fetch water for her and Erin. It was a time like this where she often tried to figure Erin out. She pondered what Erin was. When Imogene asked her mother if Erin had the same father as she did, her mother said no. And when Imogene asked who Erin's father was, her mother would tell her Erin had no father. But Imogene knew that couldn't be possible, could it? The truth of her sister was seemingly out of reach. Imogene knew one thing about her sister- she couldn't feel. Erin was dead inside. Imogene was sure of it. One day, when Imogene was seven, one trouble maker in particular threw a rock at Erin and called her names. Erin's eyes watered from the painful blow of the stone, and her forehead oozed a sticky crimson liquid, but her eyes were like a dead fish's. Imogene had chastised the boy who threw the stone at Erin, and taken Erin home. Later that night, when Erin's wounds were dressed and her eyes no longer had tears in them, Imogene asked her if she felt any better.
"I feel nothing." Erin replied with a glassy look in her eyes. Imogene remembered how that look made the hairs on her neck crawl. It was the same look a porcelain doll projects. Lifeless.
Erin put a bowl of porridge in front of her half sister when she arrived home, and went back to brewing tea.
"Mother has a list of chores for you to do while she is away." Erin said to Imogene as she kneaded dough. "She has instructed me to tend to the garden, tidy up the house, and prepare our meals. You are to go to the butcher and sell Eve and Marvam to him for twenty coins. No less. Then make sure to buy grain down at the market. Understood?"
"Okay." Imogene replied. She wasn't listening to a word Erin said.
"Did you hear me?" Erin asked, her face expressionless.
"You wouldn't care if I had heard you, and you still don't care if I didn't hear you." Imogene told her sister.
"You are quite right. I don't care at all." Erin said. Imogene was shocked for a second. She didn't know what her sister meant. "Do you desire the truth, Imogene?" Erin asked.
"What truth?" Imogene asked wearily.
"The truth about me, Imogene. You are fifteen, you are old enough to know. I know you know that I can't feel anything. I know that you have known subconsciously that I do not have a soul. And because of this, you think I am dead inside, which maybe true."
Imogene stared at her sister in shock.
"I don't know what you mean." Imogene lied.
"Let me start from the beginning-" Erin begun.
"No!" Imogene screamed. She didn't want to hear the truth about Erin. She didn't want Erin to confirm that she was something other than human, even though she was curious to know what Erin was. Just the thought of living under the same roof with a creature who did not have a soul terrified Imogene.
"I'm going to do my chores," Imogene said, stomping out of the house. "In the meantime, leave me be."
As she stepped outside into the uncomfortably humid summer air, Imogene herded the goats over to the butchers market. She was angry with her half sister, but glad she had escaped the truth. After all, ignorance is bliss.
Imogene pulled her cloak over her head and held up her lantern, navigating through the dark forest, trying to find her way home. She had been doing extra chores in order to avoid Erin confronting her with the truth. But the sun soon fell and Imogene's stomach was empty, and she knew her half sister was one hell of a cook. Defeated, she was heading back home, following the orders of her hungry tummy.
"Why don't u you come on in?" Erin said to her sister. Imogene could smell the aroma of soup and bread and potatoes floating throughout the cottage. To her, these scents smelled heavenly. She obeyed her sister.
"Have a seat. I've prepared you some soup with the cream of a cow and roasted peppers." Erin said, smiling an empty smile. "I also made dessert, but it's a surprise."
Imogene knew why Erin had made all this wonderful food for her. It was because she wanted to keep Imogene at home, and talk to Imogene about what she was.
"Do you know what an AI is?" Erin asked.
"Er... No." Imogene said, feeling like a dunce.
"AI stands for Artificial Intelligence." Erin told her sister. "That's me. Before case BW1AIE one hundred years ago, some prodigy know for their intellect and erudition created the first AI. Keep in mind an AI is a machine. These machines could not feel pain nor pleasure, whether it be physical or mental, until fifty years later a group of scientists found a way to artificially produce these emotions. The machines who now possessed emotion were called AIEs, which stands for Artificial Intelligence and Emotion. The problem is, emotions can not exactly be stored the was information can, and after a certain amount of time, the chemicals that were the machines emotions ran out. So of course, that led to the development of the AIE2. These machines never ran out of the chemicals needed in order to sustain there emotions, since they were able to produce them on there own. These machines were also used to benefit humans, which the machines of course didn't like. They were slaves to the system and after they had decided enough was enough, the machines waged biological warfare on the humans. Some of the machines, the AIEs in particular, had grown close to some of their human companions and fought alongside them, but the majority of the machines chose to oppose the humans."
"What a speech you gave." Imogene said. She still didn't know much about science, but she didn't bother to ask her sister- no- the machine anymore questions. She didn't want to risk looking obtuse. "I'm going to go to bed." Imogene told Erin. "But you best believe I'll have questions in the morning. Good night."
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Hey there, KalaAngel9!
Your story is very interesting and you have left many things secretive throughout the chapter, which leaves it to be more of a mystery at this point. But, I am sure you will shed some more light on certain aspects that need to be delved into, such as the wall, the world, the people and the main character and her family. I am sure that you'll find a way to incorporate more information on those subjects, to a certain extent.
I did notice a few spelling mistakes, which I'm sure you'd very much like to fix, my friend. I'll list them for you and you can go back and edit them whenever you have the time to do so:
~3rd paragraph: the second "Ravenswood" is spelt "Ragenswood".
~After Imogene returns home to eat dinner with Erin, Erin asked her: "Why don't u come on in?" For correct punctuation, use "you" instead of "u"
~Second last paragraph: After the sentence that mentioned the "AIE2", there are a few "there"'s which should be spelt "their" as you are referring to a live creature.
Other than that, there was not much else that I could pick on.
Your ideas and story line so far is very strong, but do pay in mind that you are creating a science fiction adventure story, which means description of worlds and creatures is quite significant to a great extent. You are doing a rather good job at writing your story thus far and I do look forward to the future chapters of this story, my friend.
I do suggest, however, that you take your time writing the chapters, so that you can focus more on the world that you have created.
This story is a creative one and I hope you continue to write it!
MissLyricz x
P.S. If you need any help or more advice, do not hesitate to send me a message. I'm always here to support other writers!
Hey there, this is Ricky here to give you a review on your novel! Please take all of this with a grain of salt, as this is only my opinion.
Right now you have a very good skeleton of a story, but this isn't really a fleshed out chapter all on its own. I can tell that you've put time and effort into it, but there are so many holes here, starting so early in the story where she states that her half-sister is, basically, a corpse. How does she know this? What makes her so sure? There needs to be more elaboration here.
Another thing I see here is very action-based movement and very little description. Imogene did this, did that, etc. etc. But we have very little description of the world around her. What is her bed like? Her bedroom? What does she see when she looks out of the window?
The wall is also something that needs more detail. What does the wall look like? What is its purpose? Why can't people cross it unless they're being kicked out? I want more details, and I'm sure your readers do as well. While it's good to keep some things a secret, there needs to be more information here to keep the readers interested.
Grammatically and spelling-wise, I can't find anything wrong with this. The biggest thing would just be to add more details between the actions.
Keep up the good work!
Thank you so much for the review kingofell! I appreciate the constructive criticism and will definitely take them into consideration!