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A true gentleman becomes a thief!

by Kaju
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This is the story of a true gentleman who steals a writer's pen and diary!

James was sitting in the park as usual with his pen and diary, looking for inspiration in the birds of the air, clouds of the skies, grass of the earth, lively kids and boring adults busy with their cell phones. His eyes wandered everywhere in search of a spark which could ignite his imagination. But it looked like inspiration was playing hide and seek with him.

He was lost in the deep sea of his thoughts. He noticed a young boy staring at him. He ignored at first but later something happened. The boy moved a bit closer to him. James being a very keen observer found something strange about this guy. He looked like about fifteen years of age. He was dressed in shabby clothes and hair was all tangled up. His eyes looked as if he had not slept for weeks.

James thought for a while and returned back to his home. Next day he went back to the same park, sat on the same bench and did the same thing he did yesterday and had been doing since years. He was reminded of the boy he saw yesterday and searched for him but he couldn't find him. He thought to himself that he is wasting time and got back to work on his article. While thinking about what to write next he kept his pen and diary besides him on the bench. He adjusted his posture and started thinking. Then out of no where the boy appeared and stole the pen and diary and tried to run away. James caught a glimpse of him and recognized that he was the same boy he saw yesterday. He tried to catch hold of him but he couldn't. He wondered why would someone steal the humble pen and its lover, the notepad.

Next day he was invited by a school to give a lecture on 'choosing the career of their choice' to the students. When the lecture was about to finish he noticed that same boy sitting on the last seat. He concluded his lecture saying, "In life, you need not be a big man but you must become a gentleman." The boy realised that it was meant for him. But did not speak up.

As the lecture finished and school got dismissed, James followed this boy to his home. He quietly hid behind some bushes and watched the boy. His house was just too small to be called a house. Just enough for his family. Family! Oh my God! James saw something which scared the living day lights out of him. There was the boy's mother, a single parent who was on her sick bed, and six younger siblings of the boy. They had a short prayer time followed by lunch. A very small and simple meal. I wonder whether each one of them got at least one slice of bread. The boy fed his mother with his tender hands and tears rolling down his cheeks.

This isn't the end of it. What happens next is even more unbelievable.

The children came out in the open air. The eldest boy held the pen and diary in his hands. He tore papers out of it and gave them to each one of his siblings. Then he taught alphabet to the younger lot and maths to the other lot. He scolded the cute little youngest girl for wasting lot of space. She got scared and said, " Sorry". The big brother melted down and hugged his sister with moist eyes. He controlled his emotions and continued. After the class the younger children went out to play and the elders sat in a circle and weaved baskets out of scratch. James noticed the beautiful work done by the children.

Unable hold his peace James came out of his hiding. The boy got surprised and scared. He started giving an explanation, "Sir please forgive me. Don't hand me over to the police. I beg you sir. If you want I will give you two of my baskets as a compensation." James stopped him and said, "I did not come here to hand you over to the police, I came here to buy your baskets." The boy was startled. He got excited and showed him his best models. James bought two blue baskets and three bright yellow flower vases. The boy said, "One hundred and seventy five rupees, sir." James handed him two hundred rupee notes and asked him to keep the change. He said, "No!" And returned twenty five rupees. James was about to go back when the boy called him from behind and said, "Sir I know that the thing for which you came here is not done." James turned back.

The boy narrated his sad story. He said that his father was a drunkard. He used to beat his mother and abuse her. "One day he died of a disease. I don't even care about it. Since then my amma has been taking care of us. Seven children was a huge thing for her but she loves us all. We are poor and can't afford education. I being the eldest go to school and study. I teach what I learn to my brothers and sisters. I help my mother in making baskets and sell them. Now she is very sick and business is not running well. So I am unable to provide my siblings with requirements. So I had to do what I did. I am so sorry I could not become a gentleman. I promise you I will work harder and never repeat this crime again."

James replied, "You are a true gentleman!" 

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
shekshen
Review

Kaju, your short story is interesting!

It's braver to write from imagination than from experience. It's also more difficult! I see that you've written the plot from imagination. Congratulations!

People identify with simpler plots more easily than they do with complex ones. Particularly in short stories which they finish reading in a single sitting. More complex ones are probably better for novels. Please do consider this aspect in your next work.

I consider self-editing even more important than writing. Edited stories are pithier and touch the readers heartstrings! Edited stories say just enough and leave the rest to the readesrs' imagination!

For instance "He was lost in thought" leaves a lot to the imagination. "He was lost in his deep sea of thoughts" doesn't.

Please look into this important component of your writing.

Cheers!

Thanks shekshen! I will mark your words!

User avatar
Elijah
Review
Elijah wrote a review · Sun May 08, 2016 9:28 am

King Here
Hello there. Here to review your work. I see this is your first, right? You have a very good vocabulary use and grammar which is pretty good to be seen. For a first work, you had done your job very well. It was really heart breaking when you showed us the life the young boy is having together with his big poor family and his sick mother on a bed. It was sad and heart breaking for me. In the end I smiled because of the sudden twist you had made to turn this sad story into something magically beautiful with a very happy ending. It shows that gentlemen and nice caring people still exist even in such a society like this. This is just like the real world in which we also are living so it is pretty realistic work. I only have several things to say as nitpicks but overall, I adore this story.



James being a very keen observer found something strange about this guy.


You had wrriten it well here but 'James being' is just..not so good together without something in between them. You can put comma so you do not need to change so much and it still looks fine. Comma before 'being' and comma before 'found'. If no with the commas, you can put 'was' before 'being' and 'when he' before 'found'.

Next day he went back to the same park, sat on the same bench and did the same thing he did yesterday and had been doing since years.

'next day' is just not okay like this. 'The next day' is better and right. It is just missing out there.
Then out of no where the boy appeared and stole the pen and diary and tried to run away.

'no where' needs to be 'nowhere'.
Next day he was invited by a school to give a lecture on 'choosing the career of their choice' to the students.

'next day' needs to be 'the next day' again.

But did not speak up.

It is not the best idea to start a new sentence with 'but'.
You can connect it with the previous sentence. This one has no noun in it so it has to be connected with another sentence to make more sense. Alone, it makes no sense.
After the class the younger children went out to play and the elders sat in a circle and weaved baskets out of scratch.

You need comma after 'to play'.
The Reason why is the position of 'after' in this sentence.
Example: After you call him, tell me.
Tell me after you call him.

It depends so.
Sir I know that the thing for which you came here is not done.

You need comma after and before each 'Sir' in this whole work. This sentence is just an example, it is not the only one.
Since then my amma has been taking care of us.

'amma' is 'mama' surely.

Overall, this story was heart warming and beautiful even if sad. Good job and I hope to see more beautiful works of yours.

Thank you greatking for your usefull review!
I will surely correct myself!
Amma is actually Indian for mom! Since my story is based in India(see the currency??) I thought it would be good to use the word!
Once again thanks a lot!

Oh, I see. Then you can leave it like this!
Welcome.

User avatar
kriti
Review
kriti wrote a review · Sat May 07, 2016 11:38 am

Nice story, though there are numerous ways in which it could have been much better. Firstly, the title is somewhat inept and could have been better..! Secondly, the language is easy to comprehend and simple which is good but in the fifth paragraph the line

'I wonder whether each one of them got at least one slice of bread. The boy fed his mother with his tender hands and tears rolling down his cheeks.'

is distracting. The story has been written with James' perspective and its he who hides in the bushes, where does 'I' comes into play? Its inappropriate and unnecessary usage of first person. The line following it is equally distracting with the usage of present tense.

"This isn't the end of it. What happens next is even more unbelievable."

Nevertheless, the plot is okay and it's kind of a parable for children.

Anyways, keep working. :)

Thanks kriti, I am still learning to write better. I believe with the criticism of all you people out here would help me become a better writer. I will mark your words and be carefull next time. I used first person deliberately so as to check if it works out like that. I was doubtful about it. I believe the writer should be allowed to express his opinion in between as it gives a different perspective and a different angle to the story. It also helps in understanding the situation in the way the writer wants us to understand. But still if it is inappropriate I will correct myself.
Once again thanks a lot for your review!!!!



Never use your shield as a dinner plate, for that is when the enemy is most likely to attack.
— The KotGR Commander