z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Thief and The Princess (Dark)

by KaitoSSK


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

The Thief and His Princess (Gruesome Story)

“The Court now finds the defendant, Mavis… Guilty!”

KNOCK! KNOCK! The sound of the Judge’s gavel ending the trial.

“The court now is adjourned” Said the Judge closing the case.

Mavis, handcuffed was brought to the jail by 2 guards.

All the cold stares from the witnesses. The tear of his parents rounds up the atmosphere in the courtroom.

SLAM!

“Be good, young man… Maybe they will postpone your execution if you behave… So sad to see a young man executed just a week after he is admitted, y’see” said the guard beyond the bars.

Mavis glared at him and the guard left.

“Psssst! Hey!” The guy from the next cell called.

Mavis turned his head and glared at him.

“Glaring won’t work on me, pal. Why don’t you just tell me why are you here, eh?” Asked the guy.

“I… Killed people… 2 of them…” He replied.

“A kid like you!? Kill people? Damn… This world is now twisted, huh… How old are you, buddy!?” The guy replied with a laugh.

“17. A second year of high school” Mavis replied with a cold tone.

“You can’t even change your own diaper yet you already kill people? Damn, man… Who did you kill? Self-defense kill? Or…” He asks again.

Mavis shook his head.

“No… My… Girlfriend… And the guy she cheated with…” he replied with a cold tone.

“Killed them… With my butterfly-knife and kitchen knife… Stabbed them… Countless time” He continued.

The guy wiped off his smile out of his face and fell speechless…

Not long after that,

“They deserved it?” He asked

Mavis nods…

“Then it’s good…” The guy smiled and stood up.

“See you in another life, pal” The guy smiled and walks towards the entrance of his cell.

“GUARD! I got enough time to learn about the outside world as I requested! You can proceed with the execution!” He shouts to the guards.

The Guards approached his cell and opened it.

“You are a weird one to say that you are ready to get executed” Said the guard as he opened the cell door.

“Well… I have had enough of this twisted world” The guy replied, turning his head towards Mavis and smiled.

“See you in the afterworld, kid. Maybe it’s better there” he whispered with a gentle smile.

How could he smile when he was about to get executed, Mavis wondered.

“I’m sure you can find the answer soon” continued the man as he was being dragged by the guards.

It’s nightfall… The guards announced that it was the time for the prisoners to sleep.

ZAAAAAPP!!

“Urgh… Where… Am i?” as Mavis grunted when he woke up.

He realized that he wasn’t in his cell, yet… The place was a lot dirtier, yet more comfortable than the cell.

Mavis woke up with a pain on his head, soon, he head towards the broken mirror.

He realized, he looks a lot different than himself. There was a wanted poster next to the mirror. He ripped it, and then he compares the picture with his face. It’s the same. The name in the poster, “Mars” was written on it.

“What the--!?” He mumbled surprised.

As soon as he snapped out of his confusion, he then wore anything he found in the room. And his eyes stopped for a moment when he saw a beautiful carved knife with a name “Mars” on it.

He brings the knife, and headed out.

Covering his face with his red-blood hood, he blended into the crowd in the middle of the city.

Carefully so no one realized if it is the wanted guy in the poster.

The problem is… There was a carnival to celebrate the Princess’s coming of age.

The Princess, Claire will show herself in front of the public to give a speech, as what was written on the papers.

Interested in it, Mavis… Or should we say Mars in this era, departed for the plaza where the princess will give a speech of her coming age.

As soon as Mars arrived at the plaza, the crowds were cheering and congratulating for the princess.

Mars, on the other hand, he’s not going to congratulate her or sort. He was just waiting for the princess.

When the princess shows herself, Mars’ eyes look at the princess, astonished.

“Claris… Is that you..?” He mumbled to himself after looking at the princess resembling how much she looked like his girlfriend that he killed.

“I’m going for her… That castle is where she lives, huh…” He mumbled.

The night came.

Mars set out for the castle.

He slit the throat of the castle gate guards. And sneak into the castle.

This body is amazing, he thought.

Every knight he saw as he march, he killed them.

Until then, there was one knight, he pulled out his knife and point it on the Knight’s neck.

“Say… Bring me to The Princess’ room… I might consider not killing you” he whispered slowly.

The Knight refused at first, but Mars stabbed one of his arm and warned him again, scared of getting killed, the knight lead the way to the Princess’ room. Every knight they came across, Mars killed them, making the knight he held hostage more scared of him.

“H-H-Here it is! T-T-Th-The Princess’ room…” Said the knight scared. Sweating buckets and point out at the door.

“Open the door… I don’t know if you lie to me or not…” Said Mars softly, yet threatening.

The scared Knight, didn’t think twice and knocks the door.

Confirmed by the voice of the Princess, Mars killed the knight by stabbing his knife on the head.

“That’s…. My sign of thanks” Said Mars with a big smile on his face as he pulled out his knife out of the guard’s head.

Mars opened the door, and there’s the Princess.

As soon as Mars saw her, he was overjoyed. She looked exactly like Claris, he thought.

The Princess, Claire realized that Mars’ hand was covered in blood.

She backed up, shivering.

Mars confronted her and talks with a soft voice “Hey… Don’t be scared… I’m here for you, Princess Clari… Claire…”

Claire, scared, can’t do anything. Just looked at Mars already intimidated her and makes her not daring to see his face.

A knight ran in by barging into the Princess’ room.

“Princess! Are you al---!?” Before the knight realized Mars was there, he’s already killed with a needle that Mars threw right at the head.

“Shh… Shh… Shh… Don’t scream, Claire, girl… I’m doing this for us” He said.

“No! Don’t come near me! I don’t like you!” Claire cried out loud, scared.

“What can I do to have your heart, Princess?” Asked Mars with a gentle face.

“You can’t! You can’t have it! Not now nor forever!” Claire turned down Mars’ confession.

Surprised by her reply, Mars’ face turned expressionless…

“Ah.. I see.. It’s the same even in this world…” He said with a sad tone.

“Is it because your heart has been taken by another man?” He continued.

The Princess, unable to reply anything because of the terror, makes Mars sighed.

“Oh, well then… I’ll just take it by force” Said Mars with a cold tone.

“Eh!? Wha--!?”

STAB!

Mars stabbed Claire’s chest right on her heart.

“If I can’t have your heart, then nobody can have it…” Said Mars, as he pulled out his knife and ripped Claire’s body to take out her heart.

“Your heart… Is mine now…” Said Mars while looking at Claire’s heart that he ripped off from her body followed with a maniacally laugh.

Mars laughed out loud in the Princess’ room… Like an insane beast… An eye of a beast… He had lost his humanity…

While carrying the Princess’ heart, he walked slowly towards the throne room.

Every knights he passed by, was brutally murdered by the sword he picked up from a knight’s corpse.

Every time he hacked the sword, he laughed… Each hack, made his laugh louder. With his body and face covered in blood, which is not his own blood, he arrived at the throne room. There, he met the King and The Queen.

As he walked towards The King and Queen, like a lunatic, he slowly bowed as if he was mocking them.

“Good evening, your majesty…” He said, followed with his maniac laugh.

Walking slowly towards the King, he killed every obstacle. All the knights were hopelessly killed by Mars.

When he arrived in front of them, he took out the Princess’ heart that was stabbed with his knife.

“Hey look! Guess what this is!” Said Mars as he smeared his knife on The King’s face.

“It’s your daughter’s heart… It is mine, now! HAHAHAHA!” He continued with an insane laugh.

The Queen, after hearing it, was about to faint.

Mars with the blood-covered blade, stabbed The Queen on the neck..

“If you are going to faint, why don’t you just faint forever..? Or should I say, sleep forever..? Maybe you will meet your daughter..? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Said Mars, as he stabbed deeper on The Queen’s throat until her head almost fell of her body.

The King that was scared of Mars, can’t do anything seeing his wife was stabbed right at her throat.

BANG!

The door behind him was forced open as a Gallant Knight enters.

“Tch… I thought I killed them all” said Mars.

“My Lord! What in the world happen!?” said The Knight.

“Rodrick! That voice! Is that you, Rodrick!? Oh, Rodrick! I am glad you come!” said The King with joy.

“Your Majesty… Your Majesty… What makes you think he will make any difference with all the knights I killed” said Mars, laughing and threatening The King.

“I-It will.. It will be different… Alas, Rodrick is Claire’s fiancée” Answered The King.

Surprised by the answer, he hits The King leaving him unconscious.

“MY LORD!” Shouted Rodrick, as he ran towards The King.

Mars jumped back and pulled Rodrick’s helmet.

Surprised with what he saw, his expression turned dark, yet, he grinned.

“The same face… With the guy I killed along with Claris” he mumbled.

“Who would have thought I will kill the guy that took my woman twice… This is amazing…” he continued his mumble.

“What in the world are you saying, you murderer!? FACE ME!” Shouted Rodrick.

Mars let out his laugh. As if he is enjoying the moment.

“Sounds good… I will kill you again… IN THIS WORLD, THAT IS!” said Mars and charged Rodrick with The King’s blade.

Rodrick with his superior skill, blocks Mars’ attacks and countered.

Mars, unable to face Rodrick’s swordplay, gets cornered and wounded a lot.

As he stumbled upon a knight’s corpse, he hacks the corpse’s neck and throw the head towards Rodrick.

Rodrick, unable to slash his comrade’s head, dodges and that’s the end of his life.

As Mars planned, as soon as Rodrick dodged, with his superior speed, he charged forward and stabbed him right at the throat, which leads to an instant-kill.

“Tough… So tough… But your nobility fails you it seems…Mr. Fiancée” said Mars as he stabbed deeper down Rodrick’s throat and slashes the blade away from his throat to claim his head.

“At least, you fight better in this world… Making me bleed this much… Too bad, you still can’t win against me” mumbled Mars followed with his insane laugh.

Drip… Drip…

Mars with a body full of wounds, walked slowly once again towards the throne, and pulled out the sword from The Queen’s throat and shoved The King away from the throne.

Also, he kicked The Queen’s corpse away from the Queen’s throne.

The hopeless King who had regained his consciousness cried over the death of his wife, daughter, and son-in-law glares at Mars. But Mars, smiled coldly…

With that smile, he chopped The King’s head off with the same blade he used to kill his wife.

“Now… Now… You should be happy that I chopped your head off from with the same sword I used to kill your wife” Said Mars while stabbing The King’s head with the sword.

Mars threw away the sword and sit on the throne.

“Now I am the King!” He said followed with his maniacal laugh.

“Only one more thing to do… The connection of hearts of the new King and Queen” said Mars, as he picks up the knife with Claire’s heart on it.

“With this...” Mars points the knife on his heart.

STAB!

“We… Are one… Claire… Claris… I love you…” And he stabbed deeper into his heart. Killed himself.

KNOCK! KNOCK!

“WAKE UP!” Shouted the guard, knocking on Mavis’ cell.

Mavis woke up.

Blurry with what he just dreamt of.

The guard opened the cell door and handcuffed him and brings him to the execution room.

The Head Guard is already waiting there with 4 people. Which Mavis believes it would be Claris and the guy she cheated with’s parents.

“Your Execution will be held today…” Said the Head Guard.

Mavis doesn’t react to it.

“It is due to request of both the victim’s relatives, you are going to be executed today.” The head guard continued.

Mavis grinned and glared at the people from the other side of the glass window.

“Do you have any last request?” Ask the Head Guard.

. . .

“If no, then—“

“My butterfly knife… Alone… I don’t mind being watched and cuffed” Interrupted Mavis.

They didn’t see any reason to say no to his last wish, considering him won’t be dangerous with just a knife in a bulletproof room alone.

Then, they handed over his knife and left him in the room that had been set up with cameras.

As soon as he received his knife back, he looked at the knife to check if it is his knife, as soon as Mavis confirms that it was his, he grinned.

Then, he opened the butterfly knife. Still smeared in Claris’ blood, Mavis grinned.

“ Claris… Our heart… Will be as one again… Now I know why that guy smiled when he’s about to get executed” said Mavis.

“Too bad I didn’t ask for his name… I think we will be good friends if we’re not in this situation” mumbled him.

The people on the other side are at loss of what Mavis said.

Mavis then points his knife on his chest and stabbed it himself.

“I’d… Rather… Die by my own hands… Together with Claris… Rather than… By your filthy hands” said Mavis and coughed out blood.

He dragged his own body slowly towards the door.

The Guards went panic and rushed to the room where Mavis was held.

But Mavis blocked the door with his body.

“YOU CAN’T KILL ME, YOU BASTARDS! I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO SHALL TAKE MY OWN LIFE!” shouted Mavis aiming for the victim’s relatives.

With his heavy breathes, he then mumbled “I wish… This world… Gets… Better… After I died…”

Mavis then pushed his knife in further.

“Cla…Ris…”He said as he blew away his final breathe. 


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7 Reviews


Points: 33
Reviews: 7

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Mon Jun 05, 2017 3:18 am
FireGoddess wrote a review...



Hey!

I loved your story!! I'm one of those girls who have a dark side and enjoy any thing that might be considered 'dark'.

During Mars' time with Princess Claire I personally would have had him kiss her. Or maybe tied her up, killed the king, rest of the knights, the queen, and then Rodrick. After that, Mars returns to his Claire and makes her marry him.

In Mavis' dying words he should have said something along the lines "of now we will be together forever...... my dear Claris." and then dies as her spirit kisses him.




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Sun Apr 30, 2017 1:30 pm
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papillote wrote a review...



Hi,

I won't make a big fuss about your grammar. You probably know you have a little work left.

I read your story with interest but, in the end, I was a little disappointed because it fell short of what you could have made of it. There are elements of other litterary genres that you could have thrown in sharper relief if you had only tightened a little the structure of your work.

It's a short story, it doesn't have to be long or to have a lot of details. If it was mine, I would cut out everything that doesn't feel ABSOLUTELY necessary, starting out with the characters' names. "The fiancé", "the princess", the "thief" seem to be quite enough. If you absolutely want to give them names, at least don't change them in the alternative world. Sometimes, less is more.

You give your story a lot of punch at little cost when you introduce a little circularity to the structure.

Example: a prisoner was in the cell when Maris came in, maybe you should put a prisoner in the cell when he leaves and maybe you could put in his mouth the same words you put in the previous prisoner's mouth.

You already have a 'mirror effect' between reality and the dreamworld, you should capitalize on that, as well as on the middle-agey feel of your tale. It's an apologue, a fable and that's cool, fables can be dark.

When I was a kid, one of my favorite tales was "The assassin and the merchant". It's the story of a young, angry thief with a few deaths on his belt already who meets death one day, in the guise of an old, prosperous merchant. Death sets him to rights and he puts his life back together until he is an old, prosperous merchant himself. That's when he meets death in the guise of a young, angry thief. This time, she takes him.

Dark. But it has to be very tightly structured if you want to make it work.

Best of luck to you.




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Sun Apr 30, 2017 8:27 am
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Dreamy wrote a review...



Hello there!

I can never have a proper introduction to my reviews so let's just get on with it, yeah?

First off, this is not a properly structured story now, is it? As far as I am concerned, it is an idea to a story. All these paragraphs are actually points to develop a story. Of course, no one can actually tell you what and how you're supposed to do certain things, especially when it comes to writing a fantasy, but I'm sure there's one rule to all genres of writing and that is the narration. Narration is what engrosses people into reading your work and this particular story did not have any. If I may, it felt like a story that you'd tell a friend-- cutting down all the descriptions and the emotional turmoil of the character named Mars/Maris and the betrayal of Claire/Claris. When it comes to verbal story telling, the speaker sets the mood. They stress on words to let know the importance or the intensity of certain feelings. And in writing, we, the writers, have the need to stress on certain feelings if it is the turning point in a story.

In this case, the betrayal of Clair/Claris and how it had affected Mars/Maris. You should have stressed a little more on that because the entire story is spun on that one particular incident. So there is a need for you, as writer, to let your readers/audience know of that impact that haD on your main character that leads to everything else that happens in the story.

For now, this story feels like a video script to some metal/punk rock song which is not really a bad thing but did you wanted it to be a video script or to work as a short story? That's the million dollar question.

The things we write can get interpreted into many different theories and explanations but you should be conscious on how to present it in order to have, at least, have almost same vision as you had, with your audience, when you first sat down to write your story.

Hope this was helpful!

Keep writing!
Cheers!




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Wed Apr 12, 2017 2:44 am
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hi KaitoSSK, and a late welcome to YWS! I'm MJ, and I'm here ro give you lengthy rants slightly related to your story :) No worries, though, I'll keep this one shorter.

Let's jump in!

1) You switched between different names. Was the main character named Mars, or Maris? Was his girlfriend/the princess named Claire, or Claris? That should be clarified before continuing with this story.

2) Your grammar and spelling was poor throughout this entire piece. There were a lot of cases where there was just a fragment like "Sweating buckets and point out at the door." That breaks several grammar rules, and I highly recommend fixing all the grammar mistakes in this piece.

3) You started way too many paragraphs. You should, on average, have about four to five lines per paragraph.

4) You rushed this idea. Right now, a 2-3 page idea could easily fill 40-50 pages. So add more descriptions and don't be afraid to add some sections where there's a lull in the action. For example, instead of rushing straight from killing the guards to stabbing the queen, add in a section where the MC is on his way to rhe castle, pondering his decisions and another description of how he was walking, the view, his plans, his emotions, etc. That will expand your writing and add more suspense and buildup.

5) A little bit of goriness is OK in this case because it's a murder-criminal-suspense twist, but some was unnecessary. With this, it's hard to see your target audience. The goriness level, if expanded, could be classified as adult, but the adventure aspect seemed more geared for YA. I personally would market this for YA, so taking out some of the goriness so you include only the blood-and-guts necessary for the plot or character development.

6) The plot was a little confusing to follow, and that was caused by two main factors: a) you rushed the plot a tad, but I addressed that already, and b), you had some unnecessary plot twists and subplots. Now, those are great, but only when they help the main plot and add something to the story. These subplots didn't really, and only distracted from the main theme.

Overall: Grammar was the biggest thing, because that was a barrier to understanding some of the finer points of rhe story, but also be careful not to rush everything. You have an interesting blend of ideas here, but it still needs developing. The plot isn't flawless, but your characters are pretty clear (except for some nitpicks here and there). Keep writing, and congrats on putting your first pieces out there to be devoured :).

Best wishes,
MJ




KaitoSSK says...


Hey, MJ
Thanks for the review

I realize that my grammar is the BIG BIG "turn off" of my story (LOL)
That's why i'm improving on my work..
To clear things up, if i may
For your number 1, i would say all those names you mentioned ARE the main character.. The concept i'm trying to put here is about "Parallel World", but of course, i didn't mention it here, to let the readers make some theories of why is it like this or that

As for paragraphs, i copy-pasted it from Microsoft Word (Since i made this years ago) because i have no idea how to upload it..

For the rest of it, i agree with your reviews.. It's good to know my flaws..



Atticus says...


Thank you, I understand what you were doing now. It was a little unclear at first, though that may have just been how I read it and not something you need to correct. That one is totally up to you.




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