Ookamizachi Gakuen

by KaitoSSK

Published April 8, 2017

12+ Language

In Ookamizachi Gakuen

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Prologue

“Goddammit… Fired again, huh…” as a man sighed.
“How many jobs have I gone through… Hmmm… 4?” he mumbled.
“DAMMIT! 4 DIFFERENT JOBS ALREADY!? IT’S NOT EVEN A YEAR YET!!” he shouted in public.
Everyone in the area look at him with a weird look. The man realized and hid his face under his phone he’s holding, and walk faster.
“Great… First, I’m fired from my 4th job, and now people will think I am mental” He continues his mumbling.

CLICK! CREEAAAK!

“I’m home…” as he closes the door.
“… Who am I kidding? I’m living by myself… What a pathetic person I am” he talks to himself with a sigh.
“Alright… First, take a bath, and then… And then… Look for a job again, I guess” as he walk to the bathroom and start taking a bath.
“Ah well… It’s not like it’s hard for me to find a job… It’s always the same reason why I always got fired anyway…” he continues to talk to himself in the bath.

SMACK! SMACK!

He slaps himself with water.
“Come on, man… Cheer up… It’s not the end of the world. Besides, you still get your last salary this month… Yeah… I still got my salary… It should be enough to pay rent this month.”
He finally comes out of the bath and goes straight to the fridge, he picks up a can of beer and bring it to his coffee table. He turns on his laptop and his TV, as usual, watching the hottest news about the world.
“It’s the same thing every single day… The world has become crazier and crazier…” he sighed and turns off his TV.
“Oh well… Maybe I should look for a job while at it…” as he starts scrolling a job search in his laptop.
He clicks in a few jobs and randomly clicks “Apply”
But then, he stops scrolling and look closer to his laptop.
“Hmmm..? What’s this? Teaching job? Requirements… Not that difficult... Facilities… Wow… They provide transport to the school? And a personal room… Seems nice… Let’s see… ‘If you want to apply, fill in the form and send it to this e-mail: ookamizachig@kuen.ac’”

“Sounds fishy, but… Well… The requirements are not that difficult and the facilities are great, so why not… Let’s see… Download the form first, huh…” he mumbles to himself as he clicks here and there in his laptop.
He stretch his arms and start filling the form
“Let’s see.. Name... Yuuma Sasaki.. Age… 22… Blah blah blah… Save… SEND!” he mumbles.
“Ok… Job search, done… Now, let’s relax for a bit and go to bed…” he keeps mumbling.

Not long after that, he shuts down his laptop and go to sleep.

The next morning, Yuuma wakes up and first thing he do is turn on his laptop and check his e-mail. No e-mail seems to be in his inbox. He sighs and does his daily activity until afternoon.

KNOCK! KNOCK!

“Excuse me!”
“Yeah… In a sec!” Yuuma shouted as he rushes to the door.

He opens the door, and with a surprised look, he stares at the person who knocks his door.
The person that stands by his doorstep wears something he never expect people to wear it at this age, a hakama with a katana around his waist. Despite his weird outfit, he looks like a nice guy with a friendly smile.
Yuuma, of course, doesn’t let his guard down and backs up a bit by reflex.


“Sasaki Yuuma-san, am I correct?” the person asks with a smile.
“Ah… Yeah… That’s me” Yuuma replied carefully.
“And you are..?” he asks with a suspicious look. “Is that a cosplay?”
“Oh, how rude of me… I’m from Ookamizachi Gakuen, Tamotsu” Tamotsu replied with a gentle smile.
“Just… Tamotsu…?” Yuuma replied, raising his suspiciousness again.
“Yeah… Just Tamotsu… Must be weird, huh… I’ll explain later, when we are on the way to the school”
“Wait, school!? You mean—“
“Yeah… Ookamizachi Gakuen… You are the one who send the helping message, am I correct?”
“Message!? You mean… The application form!? I’m accepted!? That fast!? No need for interviews and tests!?”
“Please calm down.. I’ll explain on the way… Please, pack your stuff… We’re leaving as soon as you are ready.” Tamotsu replied calmly as he tries to calm Yuuma down.
“Alright… What should I bring?” Yuuma asks, trying to lower his composure.
“Well… Since you’re moving away from this place, I guess… Everything?” Tamotsu replied.
“Moving? You sure? How far is the school anyway?” Yuuma surprised by Tamotsu’s answer, asks.
“I would say… It’s pretty far from this place… We already prepare a personal room for you in our teacher’s dorm. So, please… No need to worry”
“I understand… In a bit…”

Yuuma packs his stuff, it takes time until evening. It’s almost 8 PM, Tamotsu waits for him patiently.
When he’s about to finish, Tamotsu walks towards Yuuma.
“Sasaki-san, it seems like you are ready… Shall we go?” he asks with a smile.
“Yeah, sure… But, what about my big stuff?”
“Don’t worry… Our moving team will bring them for you. For now, please bring everything that is personally important to you”
“So you got your moving team, huh… Alright…”
“I’m sure your stuff will arrive before us… So, don’t worry even a bit… We provide full service for our teacher. Since teachers in our school works harder than anyone else.”
“Wait, what!?”
“Alright then, off we go to our vehicle”

Tamotsu grabs Yuuma’s arm and drags him to the front gate of his apartment. Of course, with a smile.
Yuuma, surprised again by the vehicle Tamotsu mentioned. It looks… Futuristic… But in the same time, it looks steam-punk-ish. Tamotsu grabs Yuuma’s bags and place it in the trunk. Yuuma is told to sit in the car. Tamotsu closes the trunk and enters the car and start the engine. Then, the car starts moving. After a few while, without Yuuma realizing, it becomes darker and darker.

“Alright, Sasaki-san. It’s going to be a long ride. So, what do you want to know?” Tamotsu asks with a gentle smile.
“First… Where is this school located?” Yuuma gathers up his courage and asks questions.
“Well… It is located on a land called Alrunavich… To be exact, it’s in the Shichinachi region.”
“Shichinachi?” Yuuma responds in a surprise.
“How come I never head of this place?” He continues.
“Well… Even If I tell you, you won’t believe it until we arrive at the place”
“You’re starting to be suspicious… But, I’ll let it slide this time”
“I’m not surprised of your suspicion, yet, I’m sure you will see it for yourself soon enough”
“Fine… Next thing, how am I accepted without any interviews or test?”
“About that, the headmaster reviewed your application and accepted you immediately. For the details, I am not sure”
“What an easy-going headmaster” Yuuma chuckles.
“Indeed, he is. But, he is well-respected by the whole staff… Even the students” Tamotsu replied, showing how much he respects the headmaster.
“With that kind of personality, I’m not surprised, actually” Yuuma laughs.
“Ah, finally, you laugh, Sasaki-san” Tamotsu replied as he glances towards the rear-view window.

“Sorry, about that…” Yuuma coughs it off.
“No need to apologize, Sasaki-san”
“Can you drop the honorifics, Tamotsu-san?”
“Ah… Sorry about that… It’s just… Been a while since I met someone with a family name”
“The same family name as the headmaster, nonetheless” Tamotsu mumbled.
“Sorry, I didn’t quite catch the last one… What was it?”
“Oh, nothing. Please, proceed with your question. And also, no need to use honorifics in my name… I’m not used to it”
“Yeah… My next question was about that actually”
“About time…”
“Eh--?”
“Please, look outside… I’ll explain to you in detail when we meet the headmaster”

Yuuma glances outside of the window, and, of course, he is quite… Shocked with what he sees. It’s a beautiful land with lots of flowers. He also noticed that there is a city at the end of the road. Rather than a city, it looks more like a village because of the size. But of course, He noticed that it looks like a city because of the futuristic buildings. Besides, the road he goes through looks way too clean for a village road.

As Yuuma was amazed by the view, Tamotsu pointed at the sky. Asking Yuuma to look at it, politely, of course.
“WHA—“
“WHY THE F—! No… HOW THE HELL—!?“
The most surprising thing Yuuma sees is that… There’s a land on the sky. Rather than a land, it’s a huge island… Floating in the sky.

Yuuma immediately glances at Tamotsu.
“Welcome to Alrunavich. The land that is divided between the magic and Technology” Tamotsu calmly explains.
“Magic!? It exists!?” Yuuma jumped.
“Yes… I’ll explain in detail… Since there’s still time for us to arrive at Ookamizachi”
“I need that explanation…” Yuuma replied. Trying to calm himself down.
“Ok… We are not in the same timeline as where you come from. To be exact, this is the year 23xx… 300 years between your time and ours” Tamotsu slowly explains.
“300 years!? That’s why you didn’t explain anything before?”
“Please, refrain yourself from yelling.” He chuckles.

“Yes, 300 years. I know it might sound un-believe-able, that’s why, to prevent your disbelief, I must show you this beforehand.” Tamotsu continues.
“Alright… Alright… I’m calm” Yuuma replies with after a deep breath .
“Good… I’ll continue the explanation. Currently, we are driving in Schichinachi, a region in Alrunavich. It is the only region that uses Magic and Technology with balance. There are actually 9 more regions. Excluding the flying island.”
“So, you’re trying to say that…. There are 10 regions in total, huh?”
“The Flying Island, Gabritania, is not counted as regions. They refused to be acknowledged as a region. The name itself, was taken from 2 ethereal beings, which, in details, I don’t have the exact knowledge of”
“What a selfish bunch” Yuuma scoffs.
“Indeed they are. Going on, as I mentioned, we are in Shichinachi region. One of the balanced region in Alrunavich. Of course, there are 2 more region that are balanced”
“How did all this happen in 300 years?”
“As for the history, I’m sure, the headmaster will be very glad to explain it to you”

CLACK!

As they heard the loud sound, a giant dark-red-colored gate opens. The vehicle they ride, drives slowly into the gate. Yuuma, curious, take another look outside of his window. Yet again, he is amazed by what he sees. A huge garden is ahead of them, on his further right, he can see quite a nice building. Looks like a 5-star apartment… The wall looks sturdy with a red-brown-colored all over it. Amazed by what he sees, he didn’t realize that the car has stopped.

CLICK!

The vehicle’s door opens.
“Sasaki--, no… Yuuma, we have arrived”
Yuuma’s startled. After a long pause, he nods and get off the car with his small bag he always brings.
“This way, please” Tamotsu walks ahead of Yuuma slowly.
Yuuma follow Tamotsu from behind while looking around. They walk through a large corridor. A bit creepy, but in the same time, it’s brimming with elegance. They walk across a few doors. Yuuma can barely hear what they are teaching, but he can hear voices of young adults in the class. Then, they take a ladder to the next floor. The 2nd floor, however, there are only a few doors, but since the distance of the doors are quite far, Yuuma assumes that those are halls or something. They continue climbing the ladders until the 4th floor. There’s only 2 doors. One huge door, which looks more like a gate. And another door with a strange design that gives out an ominous aura.

Knock! Knock!

Tamotsu knocks slowly.
“Sir, I have brought Yuuma Sasaki! I’m coming in!”
Then, Tamotsu opens the door gently.
Inside, it looks like a huge library with just an elegant desk at the end of the room. Also, behind that desk, there’s a chair and a well-designed window.

“Welcome to Ookamizachi Gakuen” a distant hoarse voice was heard.
The chair turns and appears an old man, well-groomed, smiling at them.
Tamotsu bows deeply to the old man. By reflex, Yuuma also bows.
“Now… Now… Take it easy. Please, raise your heads” says the old man with a gentle smile.
Tamotsu and Yuuma raise their heads.
The old man walk towards Yuuma slowly, helped with his cane for walking. And stares at Yuuma deeply.
Feeling uncomfortable, Yuuma backs down a bit by reflex. The old man chuckles, and turn his back towards Yuuma and walk towards his chair again.
The old man sighs, seems like a relieved sigh.
“Yuuma Sasaki… Was it…? You’re as I expected” says the old man, happy.
“I forgot to introduce myself, did i? My name is Kaito, the headmaster of this place. Nice to make you acquaintances”
“I’m Yuuma Sasaki” He introduces himself with a bow.
“So, Yuuma… What do you wish to know?”
“Well, Tamotsu here, mentioned that you will tell me what happened in this 300 years. That comes first…”
“Ah… History… My… Been awhile since someone asks me this… The students, however, doesn’t seem to put interest in this anymore. Hence, I will answer your question”
Old man Kaito coughs, relieving his throat.
“I’ll start with what happened 20 years from where you come from. In the year 20xx, 2 people, made a breakthrough. It is the birth of Magic and Science. Believe it or not, magic has been around in your age… But, it’s not well-known, due to fear of the people to their gods. But these 2 people, they didn’t fear of sin nor mockeries. One of them, went to the depth of a South Eastern Asia’s country called Indonesia to learn about Dark Magic, and China to learn about White Magic. While the other, went to Japan, Korea and Russia to learn about technology, whereas, they can’t rely on an organization called… What was it…? NASA, if my memory serves me correct. After spending a few years in their ‘study’, they met each other, once more, with more knowledge, trying to create something they can’t imagine. A combination of Magic and Technology… An Alchemy, it was called in the past. But, that didn’t last long. After they introduce what they found to the public, showing their ‘alchemy’, the organization, NASA, afraid that they will bring them down, they made a fake news regarding their ‘alchemy’. They called their ‘alchemy’ as a tool to defy God that will bring destruction towards the earth. People of that age were foolish… They believe in things called ‘religion’ that was made by man. That, brings chaos to the whole planet. They started hunting those 2 people. Then, those 2 guys, finally fear death. Secretly, the scientist taught a young man everything he knows. Told him to learn more about this Technology and hide until the time is right. The magic user, however, trusted his best friend until the end. Until, the scientist was caught and executed in public. Raged by that, the magician came out of hiding and stand at where his friend was executed. He draws in all of his magic power and that, is the beginning of all things”

“Beginning of all things? What do you mean?” Yuuma can’t hold himself, cuts Old Man Kaito’s story.
“Ah… It seems like I forgot to show you this…” Old Man Kaito raises his cane and casts a spell. A scroll of paper flies towards the desk and opens by itself.
“No way… This is.. The Earth? But... How can this be!? I mean, it’s supposed to be—“
“70% water and 30% of it land, right?”
Yuuma nods.
“Yeah… That is when all things began. He casted a strong spell that unites all the land, he moves all the lands together, divided by a river across ‘countries’. Now, we call them regions. Even though, the magician was raged by the death of his friend, he tried to prove that ‘alchemy’ can unite everything. He promised salvation, he promised that he will teach magic to whoever wanted it. With just a price… To bring down the NASA organization”
“NASA!? So, all these technologies are not funded or taken from NASA?” Yuuma cuts the old man’s story again, unable to sit still listening to the story since it sounds less sense.
“Please, Yuuma… Sit down calmly” Tamotsu approaches Yuuma to calm him down.
“Sit down!? There’s not even a chai—“

POOF!

“Chair?” Tamotsu smiled gently and push the chair right behind Yuuma.
Yuuma sits down.
“Alright, I’m calm… Please, headmaster, continue the story… Pardon my rudeness”
The headmaster laughs, “Ho ho ho… That’s why I love young ones like you. Full of energy…”
Tamotsu looks uncomfortable and bows, “I’m also apologizing due to his rudeness, sir”
“Now, now… Calm down. I’ll just simply continue with my story… Alright… Where was I?... Right…. The NASA… NASA… NASA… Oh, now I remember… The magician gives a quick class to every single person that seeks his ‘salvation’, which they call themselves as The Salvator. He taught them how to heal, how to cast a simple dark magic and… A curse”

KNOCK! KNOCK!

“Excuse me, headmaster. I brought your tea” says someone behind the door. The voice is kinda high, like a woman in their 20s.
“When it’s about to get interesting” mumbled Yuuma, irritated by the wrong timing.

CLACK!

The door opens, and appears a young woman, with a shoulder-length-brown-hair pushing an elegant cart with a tea set on top of the cart.
She pushes the cart slowly and stops between the headmaster and Yuuma.
She slowly pours the tea. Yuuma notices that the smell is kind of… Unique… It doesn’t smell like a regular tea from when he came from. The woman serves the tea and brings them to the headmaster and Yuuma.

The headmaster takes a sip and sighs of relieve. Yuuma starts with smelling the tea still trying to figure out what kind of tea leaves she used. The woman starts giving a mean look towards Yuuma, as if Yuuma didn’t appreciate her tea.

“Please… Have a sip of our tea. It’s a special tea leaf that only grows in Shichinachi. We call them Cammy leaves. For you, it might smell unique, but this tea is good for your body. It helps your body to keep your vigor” says old man Kaito as he takes another sip.
Yuuma stares at the cup, gathers up his courage, close his eyes and tries to take a sip. After the small sip, he opens his eyes and stares at the tea, once again.
“It’s…. Wow… How can I describe it…” Yuuma is amazed that turns him speechless.
Old man Kaito laughs and take another sip. After the sip, he asks the woman to fill up his cup once more. Also, Yuuma, still amazed by the taste, drinks the tea up and ask for another refill.

“You may take your leave now, Aria” says old man Kaito as he sends the woman off.
Aria nods and pushes the cart to the door, she turns around and bows, “Have a nice day, sir”
And then she closes the door.

Old Man Kaito takes another sip, “Well, then… Shall I continue?”
Yuuma nods.
“That curse spell, however, is just a simple spell, yet effective towards the people in your age. It inflicts fear in their heart and let the fear took over their body until they can’t hold it back anymore, which leads them to suicide. It might sound terrible, but it has a big flaw. This curse was forbidden to be used against young adults or kids. They can’t manipulate what kind of fear that will take them over afterall. But still, if anyone tried the spell towards any kids or young adults, they would be executed on the spot. The organization NASA, heard of the preparation the magicians made, they slowly raises an army of rebellion against the magicians. 3 years later, it happens. The so called World War III, no, It was more like a war of Magicians against NASA’s army. The war took 15 years to finish. NASA lost, even though they lost, the magicians had lots of casualties. The Great Magician went missing after they took down NASA, the only thing he left is a note says ‘My mission is over, please use magic to bring peace upon Alrunavich, the new land, which I named after my partner’. The Salvator, who seeks salvation in the beginning, feels betrayed by The Great Magician, raised another hell towards Earth. This time, however, it was stopped by the pupil of the Scientist. He made a trap using alchemy to seal all those magicians on the sky, which you saw earlier outside”
“You mean… That island I saw outside was not created by the magicians? I mean.. The Salvator?” Yuuma shocked by what he hears. And asks out of his curiosity.
“Indeed. It was made by the young scientist. But it was not strong enough… The seal broke after a year he sealed them up there. Raged by what the young scientist did, a member of The Salvator hunted him down and used the curse on the young scientist”

“Wait… Didn’t you mention that the curse was forbidden to cast on young adults or kids? How old is this kid anyway? He must be a kind of genius if he managed to create an alchemy trap and create a huge island like that” Yuuma jumped out of his seat and look at the headmaster with shiny eyes.
Kaito smiles and pats Yuuma’s shoulder with his cane.
“About that, my child, no one has yet to reveal how old the kid was, but, they only mentioned that the kid was not even in the 20s. So, after that Salvator member casted the spell, out of nowhere, needles flew towards the Salvator and stabbed him resulting him of his death. It was said that it was The Great Magician who did that, but there are also some sayings that the curse spell itself backfires due to the unstable state the Salvator was. Nobody knows. But I believed it was The Great Magician himself”

Yuuma takes a deep breath and go back to his seat.
“I would like to know more” says him with a determined look.
“Indeed. It’s almost the end of my history lesson afterall” Replies Kaito followed with a laugh.
“Let’s continue, shall we..? The Salvator heard of the news about the curse’s consequences was no joke. They delegated one of The Salvator as their leader and head towards the land for diplomacy. The remaining world leaders who haven’t died from the war, stepped up against The Salvator and made a deal. The deal was, of course, to live in peace. With a few requirements, The Salvators didn’t want to be called as Salvator anymore, hence, because of they got land of their own. They wished to be called Gabritanian, as of because, they named the Flying Island as ‘Gabritania’. And the other requirements included that, none of the landers are allowed to enter Gabritania unless the Gabritanian allowed them to. If the requirements are to be broken, they mentioned that they will raise another war. The World Leaders didn’t have any other choice but to agree on those circumstances. Before the head of Gabritania left, he turned back towards the people and told them that the new land would be named ‘Alrunavich’, as what The Great Magician’s will. Not everyone in that time agreed to that obviously… But, once more, they didn’t have any other choice but to accept that”
“So, that’s the birth of Gabritania, huh. What about the regions? I need to know!”
“Oh, my child, I don’t think it would be wise of me to explain to you about how our regions were created, yes? How about, you look for it yourself? I had covered almost everything that the books in our library didn’t have afterall”
Yuuma, disappointed by it can only nods slowly.

“Anything else do you want to ask?” Kaito asks after he sips his last drop of tea.
“Second thing I want to ask is that… Why did you choose me specifically for this job?”
“Ah… That would be simple… It’s because I saw potential in you. 4 different jobs in a year? Means you must’ve got lots of experiences, am I correct?” Kaito replies with a small laugh.
Yuuma paused for a while, hiding his embrrassment.
“Last question, then… You seem to have no injuries on your feet, yet, you use your cane to walk. Is it… Sorry for my rudeness, but… Is it because of age?” 

Kaito laughs, “Age? My body might looks old, but I’m older than I look, my boy. That’s not the reason though… The reason why I use this cane is because, this cane—“

DING! DING! DING!

A loud bell was heard.
“Seems like our time is up… I’ll answer that question some other time, then. I might blabber too much about history, haven’t I? I think I overexcite myself” Kaito walks towards the door with a loud laugh.
“Tamotsu… Serve him well, will you? From now on, you are his personal assistant afterall” Continues Kaito, as he glances towards Tamotsu.
Tamotsu bows deeply, “With pleasure, sir”
“Good then, I had a meeting in the other region to attend, so… Show him around, yes?” Kaito slowly walks away with his cane, followed with laughter.

“Wait—, headmaster!” shouted Yuuma as he runs outside of the office, he looks around outside and there are no one to be seen.
“Well then, Yuuma. You must be exhausted, aren’t you? I’ll show you your personal room at once” Tamotsu approaches Yuuma from behind and leads him downstairs.

As they walk downstairs, Yuuma notices that the class doors are open. Yuuma takes a peek inside of the class. The class looks as elegant as the corridor. A huge bookcase behind the class and the desks are arranged like when he was in campus. The desk however, looks like it was made from an expensive wood with a beautiful design on the sides, the desk also has another compartment under the writing plate. Tamotsu waited for him in front of the class when Yuuma checks around the class.

Yuuma turns towards Tamotsu.
“Hey, I’ve been wondering… Since I am new and all, did all new teacher got an assistant teacher from the start?”
“No, they don’t. Usually, they start off as an assistant. But since you are a ‘special’ case from the headmaster, he assigns you immediately. As for your subject, I’m sure, you will find it in your room later” Tamotsu replied calmly.
“Well, then… Since we’re going to be working together, let’s get to know each other from now on, yeah?” Yuuma puts out his hand gesturing for a handshake with a big smile on his face.
Tamotsu is startled at first, but then, he smiled back and grabs his hand for a handshake.
“Yeah, let’s work well together, but beforehand… I want to ask you something… I heard the headmaster mentioned 4 different jobs in a year? Does it mean—?“
“Yup… I was fired from 4 jobs in the same year”
“May I know the reason?”
“Oh, that… Well…”
“It’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it though”
“No, it’s nothing like that actually… The reason was quite funny actually…”
“I’m listening”
“It’s because—“

CLACK! BAAAANNN!

A bunch of students seem like they are eavesdropping and opens the door by accident.
They give a clumsy smile to both of them and start apologizing for interrupting and eavesdropping. What a bunch of honest kids…
Yuuma looks at them and smiles back at them says that it’s ok.
And then, Tamotsu leads Yuuma out of the school and head towards the room they provides.
To get to that room, they have to walk through the garden he saw earlier and a giant field. Yuuma wonders what is it for, but shrugs it off since he is too tired to think. As they pass through the field, they arrive at the apartment Yuuma saw earlier. Even though, it actually is a dorm. It is not as big as Yuuma thought, but the inside is very neat and clean. A robot is seen inside of the dorm. It seems like cleaning every inch of the apartment clean. Tamotsu leads Yuuma to the 2nd floor. The room number is 22, to open the door, Tamotsu taps his palm on the door handle, and it automatically opens. Yuuma enters the room and once more, he is amazed by what he sees.
The room is quite huge, considering it as a school facility. It’s bigger than his previous apartment room. All of his big furniture has already been arranged in the room. The room is completed with a bathroom and a big bookcase filled with lots of books he has no idea about. Of course, the room has a beautiful desk in it.

From here on out, Yuuma’s teaching story in Ookamizachi Gakuen… Begins.

~Prologue End~ 

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Kazumi
Review
Kazumi wrote a review Review · Apr 10, 2017

Hey Kaito, it's outvaders here to bring in a review for your piece. Before I get right into the beef, I'd like to say once again: welcome to YWS! I know you're tired of hearing this, but we're nice guys like that.

I'll be very frank and honest with you. Reading this is equivalent to reading something out of the pits of Wattpad.

Meaning, it's bad.

But don't be discouraged, that's why I'm here. I'm here to point out the things that made this work bad, so that you can improve on them. Although I'll try to be nice, there are no promises that I won't be harsh. However, you can rest assured that you'll know better as a writer once you're done with this review. I'm pouring out so much time and effort for this review, so I'm sure you'll learn a lot from here.

The first thing I took note of is how it takes in a Japanese magic/science highschool. While this isn't really a deal-breaker, this is a common premise in anime. I'm gonna name a few off the top of my head:
-To Aru Majutsu no Index/Kagaku no Railgun
-Gakuen Toshi no Asterisk War
-Rakudai Kishi no Cavalry
-The Irregular at Magic High School
-Infinite Stratos
-Musaigen no Phantom World

It's a common trend in anime and light novels right now. While that in itself isn't bad, most of these magic/science highschool anime/light novels turn out to be bad. Like Asterisk War and Phantom World. The problem here is that stories with magic high school settings are seen in a somewhat negative light even before they're viewed because they're often associated with the terrible anime/light novels that I mentioned. What I also fear is that you took inspiration from one of the worse ones.

Also, I've seen a lot of people from different fandoms (like anime) think they're hot writers and write their own story inspired from their fandom. One of the signs is usually when they write a story set in Japan (in the case of anime fans), or create characters whose names sound Japanese, even if they've never experienced Japanese culture. Another sign is that their wish-fulfillment is pretty obvious. Usually it doesn't turn out so well. Usually these writers are found in Wattpad too.

This piece does give off that vibe. You say you're from Indonesia, but you set this story in a Japanese-like place. The name "Shichinachi" sounds questionably funny as well, because it sounds like "Cincinnati." You also name the old, wise man of the story after yourself. I'm not trying to accuse you of wish-fulfillment; I'm just saying it just gives off that feeling that you do. Besides, these things I mentioned aren't inherently bad. It only becomes bad when the story itself is bad.

Let's get to the real beef now.

The first real problem I noticed was the really faulty grammar and mechanics of this story. Like really, if I may be honest, this is a really bad case. There's improper capitalization, the use and abuse of ellipses (the "..."), writing numbers with numerals ("4" instead of "four"), verb tense inconsistency, missing punctuations, and so on and so forth. Before writing, you have to learn and master the rules of English grammar and mechanics. Then after writing, you have to proofread your works, or search for any errors in your works. If you want to be a good writer, you have to do this because writing in flawless grammar and mechanics is the most basic form of good writing. Once you have this down, you can call yourself a genuinely good writer with confidence.

I'm not going to dwell on the topic of grammar and mechanics anymore, since I believe this is easily learnt. However, if you want to know exactly how and where you're having problems with grammar, just tell me down below. I'll gladly point out each problem for you.

Another problem I have with this story is how it recreates sounds. Imagine if there you were reading a hot, steamy sex scene and out of nowhere you're hit with the words SQUIRT SQUIRT SQUIRT FAP FAP FAP UUUUUGGGGHHHHH I'M COMINGGGGGG. Or, you're in a really dark and tense gunfight between a detective and a criminal he's chasing, then you hear the sounds BANG BANG BANG KABOOOOOOOM!!!!!! It sounds funny, right?

Your story conveys sound effects like this manner, and it's quite problematic. It has a comedic tone, which can muddle the mood and tone of the story really badly. How are you going to make a heart-wrenching story with sound effects like this?

However, it also shows that you're not actively aware of one of the greatest strengths of writing: the readers can produce everything in their head. When I say "a beautiful spring morning," you'll form a scene in your head using the images you often associate with those words. Then I'll add "the sounds of sheep in the distance" and you'll instantly imagine the sounds of sheep. Then I'll insert "the salty aroma of wet soil" and immediately you'll smell it. In your head, of course.

Going back to this story, it's as if you're trying to make the readers hear what you want them to hear by blowing these sound effects out of proportion. However, that's not where the beauty of writing lies. Just tell the reader that "Yuuma heard a creaking sound." That should be enough. Then the reader will imagine that creaking sound themselves. That's the beauty of writing.

While we're on the topic of the strengths of writing, I'll point out another part of your story that shows you're not aware of these strengths. It's in how you have your character blurt out their thoughts, even though they're alone. It's really unnatural, cartoon-ish, and dumb overall. Like, who talks to themselves like that?

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you got this idea from anime. Tell me if I'm wrong though. Either way, the reason why they do this in anime is because those are the limits of the animation. You can only show an idea of how your character feels through pictures and sounds, so some screenwriters choose the easy way out and have their characters blurt out what they say instead. However, this is writing. As I like to say, you can convey to the reader word-for-word exactly how the character feels in literature with clarity unparalleled by any other method of storytelling. Tell me if you want to know more about this, because this topic requires a long explanation.

Moving on, there's also the lack of description in the story, especially in the setting and its futuristic machines. It's a shame, because new settings and gadgets are some of the things that make sci-fi so appealing. When Yuuma's ride came along, you described it only as "futuristic" and "steam-punk-ish," but nothing else. When Yuuma glanced outside the window of said car, you only described the place around him as "beautiful land with lots of flowers." Come on, you can do better than this! I know I just told you about one of the greatest strengths of writing, but be more specific man. How can you paint a beautiful image in the readers' minds if you don't tell them what they're supposed to imagine?

Anyways, this is for now. In this review, I hope I communicated insight on the several storytelling flaws this chapter has, like grammatical errors and CLICK! CREEAAAK! I hope as well that you were able to learn lots from this review. It was a pleasure to write this review for you, even though its length gave me a pounding headache. However, this isn't the end of the review. I have only covered the storytelling problems of this story, but not the story of this chapter itself! So I shall split this review into two; what you just had was the first half. In the second half of the review, I'll cover the plot, the settings, and the characters of the story, so wait until it arrives again. But until then, just keep writing! See you around, SEAman!

-outvaders

Funny, i didn't watch all those anime you mentioned..
Thanks for the review tho, currently improving my work on the next chapter
I'll look forward to the 2nd one

Kazumi replied · Apr 10, 2017

damn, I was pretty sure I got that right

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Kazumi
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Kazumi commented Comment · Apr 9, 2017

you watch anime?

Kazumi replied · Apr 9, 2017

will review. btw, welcome to YWS!

Thanks~
Love your Syaro ava btw... (I don't really like Syaro, but i love her voice actress)

Kazumi replied · Apr 9, 2017

caffeine fighter is luv <3

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LittleLee
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LittleLee wrote a review Review · Apr 8, 2017

The story is quite interesting, but you are changing your tenses frequently. Your grammar needs to be polished a bit, as it's rather dull. You have a really pleasant-to-read writing style, though perhaps you should expand your vocabulary.
All said, it was a really good story, and just improve in the areas I mentioned, and you'll fly.

Hey, LittleLee!
Thanks for the review! I will improve the areas you mentioned and i hope you look forward to the next chapter



You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote