Two Best friends walking through the park, and then some:
CANDY: Clarabell please, please listen to me if you don’t you’re going to end up having to go to the hospital.
No buts, Clarabell you are beautiful stop putting yourself down. It hurts me to see my best friend hurting like this. Please understand that I wouldn’t say any of this if I didn’t care. You know that right? Good..
But you are Awesome in every way. You are unique. You can be dramatic, you’d be a good actress. You’re young, you have a whole life ahead of you! You are you, you’re “Clarabell.”
I’m trying to help because I don’t want you hurting, you are my best friend and I won’t stop trying to help until you finally see that you are awesome, beautiful, curious, dramatic, entertaining, friendly, genius, helpful, intriguing, joyful, kind, loving, marvelous, neat, organized, pretty, quite, respectful, strong, trustful, unique, vivacious, wonderful, xenophobe, young, and zany, you really are.
Now do you believe it? *pauses* Thank the Lord! Well now that you finally see that you are - amazing? Then live your beautiful life. Never say “you don’t want to be here.” You are worth it.
Well I say you and I should go skateboarding together. You have gotten pretty good at it then after that we could have a sleepover, right? Great! Just ask your mother if you can come over. I know my mom would not mind, she never minds you. "You are very sweet” she says, “and you seem like a very good influence.
Now I can easily say “yes, Clarabell yes you are, you have strengthened me so much, and I feel I have strengthened you.” Great, I’m honored I could. Thanks for allowing me to. I hope maybe with how I helped you, you can help somebody else and I may help someone else.
Oh my goodness! Kaitlyn is being bullied, I mean, I know I don't know her, but we should try to get her some help. Then invite her to hang out with us! That’d be great, right?
“Kaitlyn, hi. How are you? I’m so sorry about yesterday, maybe you would like to be friends with Clarabell and I?” Clarabell she said “yes!” So *pause* How is this weather we’re having today? Pretty outside isn't it? Ooooh I have an idea, maybe we could teach Kaitlyn how to skateboard!
Really? You know how? That’s great! So do Clarabell and I! We should totally do that after school guys!
Wow! That was really fun! We should skateboard again sometime! Do either of you guys know any parkour? Really? I will teach the both of you then, I mean those are my favorite two hobbies. Maybe you two will like it as well.
You guys are getting really good at this parkour thing! Do you guys like shopping I do but only at certain places, like Hot Topic, and - Hmm, that’s it. Wow. That’s odd. Anyways what about you Clarabell? You like Hot Topic and Aeropostale? We should go shopping together! What about you Kaitlyn, do you have any places you like to shop at? You like Aeropostale? Well we should totally go together sometime, all three of us!
Mother! Father! May Kaitlyn, Clarabell, and I go to the mall? Kaitlyn is one of my new friends she is also very fun to hang out with. Do you mind? Great guys lets go! Wait- I need money out of my room. Thats great. You guys can come with me if you’d like. Great $200.00 saved up. Lets go!
Oooooo I like that shirt. Pierce the Veil, Sleeping with Sirens, Falling in Reverse.. Some of my favorite bands. Really you guys like them too?! We could be sisters! Anyways its kind of getting late, maybe we should head home. Mother! Father! Look at all of these outfits I got!
Kaitlyn, Clarabell, want to see if you girls can spend the night? Alright here is my phone just call and ask. I’ll go ask mine. Mom, Dad, can Kaitlyn and Clarabell spend the night? Awesome thanks! I love you!
Did yours say yes? *pauses* Great! We could do a fashion show, with all of our new clothes! I’m so glad we are friends. I really am, you guys mean a lot to me. Best friends forever? Awesome I’m so glad.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,784 Reviews
Hmmm. This story was intriguing. I liked how it was based on how friendship can be so amazing and pick anyone up from feeling down. I loved where your heart was at on this piece. That being said, there were quite a few grammatical errors. Just remember to use commas, full stops, and please, please don't forget to use quotation marks when a character speaks in the future! When they aren't used, a reader has a hard time separating the spoken word from the thought or action. Also, you had some alright paragraph work here but there was room for improvement. Make sure you're re-reading these, as sentence fluency is one of those iffy problems that people sometimes can't catch. Myself included. All in all, well done. Keep writing and working on your grammar, and you'll be writing even better works before you know it!
Thanks so much! I'm currently writing another, so far I don't really like it, but eh. I'll just keep writing until it gets pretty good.
Hey Kaitlyn! Writer here to give a review
So I'll start out with nitpicks first, and then I'll go over what I think could be worked on and what I really liked! Let's get started, shall we?
I'm not exactly sure about this opener. I mean, it's a little vague, and if you are going to have a disclaimer/some kind of information before opening up the monologue, I suggest taking out the "and then some" because it's unnecessary. Also, just as a grammar nitpick, you don't need to capitalize "best" in this little sentence.
You need punctuation in this sentence, and actually, skimming over the entire thing, I sense you don't punctuate that much at all. This isn't good, especially when trying to add pauses (since this is a dramatic monologue, and, as we all know, pauses add drama
I also understand each paragraph is supposed to be a response to something Clarabell said, but I think you should be more specific, and maybe put a symbol between each, like "..." or a "~" or just something. I dunno, it was a little confusing, because somebody isn't performing the dialogue and showing these pauses xD (I did a monologue once, heh heh.)
A few things here. One, lack of punctuation (dun dun dunnn). Read it over again, and see where that pause is necessary (say, a semicolon after "beautiful," since the speaker is presenting a new idea in that same sentence.
Another thing, you use the word "hurt" twice in this sentence, one more time than it needs to be. Synonyms are your friend! Could be "It sucks to see my best friend hurting like this" (if you want the voice of a teenage girl
I'm not going to go through line by line and point out all the grammar errors, because if you go through with a fine tooth comb, you'll be able to see them yourself
Sorry for taking out so much, but the transition from the first paragraph to the second is very vague and confusing, and it feels pretty rushed here. And the second paragraph seems a little all over the place and random xD I'm like "wait, why is she asking about the weather when she's talking to someone on the phone? What's going on?" So I suggest, because you only have one person talking, use words like "Okay, let me call her" and stuff like that to give us an idea of what Clarabell is saying as well. (remember, you can use *nods* and stuff also) But honestly, this paragraph was very confusing and needs to be polished a bit more
This story was pretty cute! It needs to be more developed, of course, but I really liked the ending of it
However.
This isn't what I would call "dramatic." Dramatic would be taking a situation and exaggerating it and making it all "oh my goshhhh" (if that makes ANY sense, which I know it didn't) xD But this was just some cute story that started out a little serious but ended up being a feel good story
As for character development, I would work on the speaker a little bit more. Throw in some more pauses and actions so we learn about her more. The run-on could be how she talks, which is fine, but it's a little much
I hope I helped at all! Keep up the good work
~Writer
XD I know. My drama teacher said that it was like totally perf I knew it wasn't. But thanks!
Hahahaha what a good story keep it up
Thanks!
oh, my goodness! Candy is a non stop talker! I can barely hear her friends' response.
Your story is really funny, kept me smiling all the way. Its hilarious how one could talk so much!
This story is great, but I wish you could describe more on how the characters look like.
Thanks so much! I'll edit it.