Published June 25, 2011
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137,625 Literary Works • 672,053 Reviews
Hi Kaitlyn,
You have a tremendous way with words and that filters through your entire story. It's also immediately apparent from your imagery and metaphors that you have a strong background in poetry. That brings a very elegant feel to your prose. Your structure is emotive and your character vividly painted.
I dislike the fact that your story seems to be a mere drawing of a picture that hints at a history. There is no drama because there is no character interaction.
What this leaves is the image of a woman abandoned to have a child on the beach. And because of all the back story and metaphorical language you use to place the scene, it turns itself into an emotional piece. Still at times the imagery seems to be a mere ploy to solicit emotion. This is a problem I would describe as melodrama.
I think you need to focus and create a progression that results in the final image if you truly want to create reader empathy.
You've got great talent and a wonderful way with words.
Keep well,
Yoda
Paul here!
This was incredibly well-written. In the way of grammar, there's really nothing I can recommend other than changing the capitalization in the title to "The Sea" instead of "the sea". Picky, I know, but this is drama, darn it!
In the way of story, I thought everything was near-perfection. The descriptions were great, and comparing the woman's childbirth to the breaking of a book's spine makes me all the more grateful to be male.
The only thing I can think of is to make it more clear early on as to the nature of the man's departure. I simply assumed he had died, though near the end I began to suspect that he simply abandoned them. You might want to make it just a little bit clearer on that subject. But honestly, I'm usually pretty bad at picking up on things in stories (my own work has all the subtlety of a Chuck Norris joke), so feel free to ignore my advice on that and go at it your own way.
Overall, this was really brilliant and inventive, especially considering the prompt. Great job
Hey there, Kaitlin! Since it appears you've gotten no reviews, here I am.
I'm assuming by this you mean opening the books? Because when I first read this I was dreadfully confused, and stopped to try to figure out exactly what you meant, and in the end decided just to keep reading. But I'm still a little wondering, since I'm unsure.
Question: Why exactly did she go to the ocean even though he's not with her anymore? And why did she go alone when she'd inevitably end up in labor without help?
The love the character work you've done on him in only a short amount of time.
After the agony the librarian's been in, this is just far too peaceful an ending. I mean, I imagine the end of childbirth as one of the hardest parts. And to do it alone? Also, I'm wondering what the woman did about the umbilical cord and all the blood, and when she was earlier doubting if she'd even survive how she even managed to have her child successfully and then just lay with her, calmly, serenely. It's a little on the odd side.
However, especially with this part, I do love the ending quite a bit.
Okay, so overall, I really like this piece. You've taken the generic prompt and given life to it; brought love, heartache, and a lonely, agonizing childbirth together to weave an intricate little story. The voice is quite clear and easy to follow, the descriptions are lovely, and for the most part I was entranced.
There are no real problems with this at all, which for me is actually quite frustrating because, for the second time in a couple hours, I'm made to look like an incompetent reviewer. But good job for you, since that says something about your writing as well as my actual reviewing skills.
If you have any questions/comments or want any other reviews, post on my wall.
loveness, ultraviolet <3
Wow I really like this! You made such a simple subject so deep and interesting. I love the description you used to convey her emotions in her situation. My favorite part was the mentioning and allusion to Poseidon, very creative. I like how you connected her with him instead of the baby's real father.
Keep writing!
<3 Sara.