I was walking around campus checking out the newbies at Alegria, a private school in southern Oregon. I was more concerned with new members for a secret organization. The older members moved out, leaving me to bring young members in. In the back of my mind I knew I was subconciously looking for a date to the first dance. No guy stood out though. None of them were appealing. A boy with long blonde hair winked at me as I passed by. I don't know what he was expecting, but all he got was a nod. No one deserved me, Libria Gallo. I was lost in my thoughts until an irritatingly soprano voice drove through my ear drums like an ice pick.
"Hey! Lib, wait up!" I turned on one black Gucci heel to see my best friend, Piper, walking towards me.
"Hi, Pip," I said sweetly, "What's up?" As Piper reached me I noticed that she was wearing the same shoes I was. My sweet voice quickly turned to a voice full of malice. "Piper, why are you wearing the same shoes as me?"
"I'm sorry, Lib. I haven't seen you all morning, but luckily I have a different pair in my bag." Piper pulled out a pair of Guess wrap sandals.
"Ah, Piper. Always prepared. Thank you for changing dear. We don't want a fashion catastrophe. Now tell me why you were rushing over to me."
Piper pursed carefully glossed lips. "Amazing things are happening."
I nodded. "Continue."
"There is a new student here at Alegria. Well, two new students. Brother and sister. And they're perfect." Pip took a deep breath and I lead her over to a stone bench.
"Start with the girl. I want name, age, hair, eyes, ethnicity, and GPA."
Piper rolled her eyes, "Glad I researched for you. Her name is Nympha Bertelli. She's full italian. Obvy. She has brown hair and matching eyes. Her GPA is 4.0 and she's fifteen. Enough info for you?"
"Nope. Tell me about the boy."
"His name is Nicola Bertelli. He has jet balck hair and grey eyes. I don't mean blue-grey, but grey grey. He's Italian of course. His GPA is a 4.25 and he's seventeen. Plus he has the sexiest accent ever."
My eyes lit up somewhere during this, "Give me dorms, Pip! Dorms!"
"Well, here's the thing. They aren't in dorms. They're the headmasters step children. So they stay in his house. Nicola is in three of your classes. Nympha is in all of mine."
I smiled devilishly, "I think it's time we payed the headmaster a visit."
"But Libria! We're going to be late to our dorm meeting!" Her hazel eyes were wide with fear. Piper hated missing meetings.
I carefully considered this. "Fine," I snapped. "I need time to go get ready for my future classmate." Piper's eyes went back to normal size and I looped my arm through hers. "Come on. Let's go see what rules our dorm advisor has made for us to break this year."
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
You had a number of basic spelling mistakes, such as misspelling "black". You also have a couple of capitalization mistakes.
There's really no excuse for this as most word processors come with a spellchecker by default, and this site has a spellchecker of its own, which can be found in the upper right corner of the typing box. I suggest you use it and proofread your work more closely in the future.
As far as the main character's name goes, it made me sigh. I forsee many Libby jokes up ahead, but I see them being overused and being generally unfunny. Her characterization also struck me as quite over-the-top, and I'm seriously left wondering why Piper even bothers to be her friends; Libria is that unlikeable. Basically, Libria strikes me more as a caricature than an actual, independent character of her own, which isn't good. Try treating her as a person and incorporate some redeeming qualities about her; it'll give her more depth and dimension and make her more interesting to read about. Right now, she's really flat and undimensional.
The whole secret organization thing in the beginning was confusing. I suggest you cut it out completely or rephrase things so that they're less confusing, especially as they are your opening sentences.
Overall, most of the writing was pretty solid, though you need to take more care proofreading, and I'd like to see more dimensionality in your characters, especially Libria.
Hi there, thanks for the great piece.
But it could be better...
You've said that you're not finished, right? So perhaps you want to lengthen it? I'd recommend more description. At the moment I'm a bit confused as to the nature of your characters. Are they teachers or students? It might seem obvious to you but not to me.
The name Alegria throws me off. I just think Algeria, which is a country. Now, I think they're at a fashion school right? Well if this is a real name, then don't expect me to know it. If not, don't expect me to guess. Go ahead and use something frenchy with a special character if you want (e.g: é ) That, in addition to the Gucci and knowledge of clothing
I really liked your style of writing. Your piece is so light-hearted... it's been a long since I've read something like this, a breeze in a swamp
and lingo will in fact in force the fact better than Alegria.
The repetition is a tad irritating, scrap it and see how better your story sounds.
Otherwise, well done. I think this story could do better in 1st Person, the bias would really make it funnier. Also, it would help us adjust to the lingo. This could work out to be a great story. Well done
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