I'm not done yet, but I wanted input.
The lush forest surrounded me as I ran. My legs ached, my heart pumped, my lungs screamed. None of that mattered. I had to keep running. My predator would not hurt me or the unborn baby inside of me. My legs began to move slower and slower. This child was vital to me and my husband. The predator was gaining and I was slowing. He was the hawk and I was the helpless prey. I couldn't take another step. I stopped. Looking around me I saw that I was in the middle of a small clearing. I sat down on the cool grass. There was nothing I could do now.
A hand was on my shoulder; feather light and a thousand pounds. "Evangeline," a man whispered from the direction of the hand. I looked up. Every aspect of this being was gorgeous. Too much for one woman to take in. The thing that caught my attention the most were his malicious teal eyes. "Your child will be born in a matter of nights. You are to name her Lilah Ryan. Or," he plunged to the ground closing my eyes, I could feel his teeth grazing my neck, "else." His canines plunged into my artery.
Chapter 1
I flew up in bed, startled. It was just a dream. No matter how real. A leg stabbed my stomach. I closed my eyes, giving them a moment to focus. My head slowly stopped spinning. Soon I had regained my composure. I opened my eyes. The clocks glowing red numbers read five fifteen. I groaned. It was too early for anyone to be awake, but here I was. The window was shut and the white curtains hung lightly over it. The peach paint was beginning to peel in some places and the bed was a mess from my tossing and turning. It was a Monday. A day to work.
Carefully getting up, I waddled to the bathroom. I turned on the shower and watched the mirror slowly disappear in the steam. Watching the mirror with me was an average woman. An average face pale white from sleep and her hair like a birds nest. It took me a startled moment to realize it was me. Another leg stabbed into my side with more force this time. She was getting too big for my stomach. Only a few more weeks. I stepped into the shower and stared at my swollen stomach for a moment. It was hard to believe that there was really a child inside my stomach. It was a miracle. A wonderful miracle.
∞ ∞
Easing myself down the steps, I made my way into our kitchen. I cracked two eggs into a hot pan and immediately began to push them along. Pregnant women have been known for their crazy dreams, but if that was true why did I feel like there was something more than that.
I sat down my plate of scrambled eggs and a glass of orange juice. I ate, still curious about the dreams. I would make a quick pit stop at my parents before work. My dad studies sleeping patterns. It was embarrassing to have your dad hook up wires to your chest at a sleepover when you are nine. Then, I hit puberty, and it all stopped. Regardless, he would be able to tell me what was happening.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Heya
It's reviewing day... so I'm here to review!
As a whole, this is a good opening. My only problem is the fact that you seem to be telling and not showing. Instead of saying how important the child is to your MC, show it. Tell us how she was holding onto her belly, not even considering letting go. That's pretty bad, I know, but you get the idea?
Considering she's being chased, is sitting down really a good idea...?
I liked this!
Very good prologue, in my opinion. It certainly got me asking questions.
You're asking a question to yourself. Therefore, you need a question mark at the end of this.
Overall
I thought that this was really well written. You have some nice descriptions in this that didn't take over your entire story, thankfully. You managed to balance them out with actions. When it comes to your writing style, you have a very nice one. Your writing isn't very awkward to read at all and it flows very nicely. Really well done for that, by the way. In my opinion, the flow of a story is very important. With a nice flow, us readers feel happy to keep reading the piece of writing. As for your characters, we don't really know all that much about them. That's completely fine though; this is only the beginning after all. From what I can tell of your MC though , she seems like a rather interesting character to read about. As for your grammar, it was pretty good. I did find a few areas where you forgot a comma or something, but overall, it was very good. I corrected the areas where I thought you needed a grammar mark. When it comes to your spelling, you didn't seem to have any misspelled words. Well done for that!
My main critique about this, I think, is the fact that you tend to tell us things and not show them. The beginning, for example. You were telling us readers about how much your MC cares about her child and how she feels very protective over them. That's the problem though. You tell us this.
Don't tell us that the child is vital to you and your husband, show us! Something as simple as saying that your MC places her hand over her belly and grabs it tightly makes it obvious that her child is important to her. There are other things you could do to show us this as well. You should try being creative about it. The reason that showing is always important is because it simply makes the story more interesting to read. Showing and not telling is always very important when it comes to descriptions and giving information. What you have to be careful of though is not to confuse the readers when you are showing and not telling. That's something that some writers seem to struggle with.
I don't really have much else to say about this! I feel so useless... D: So yeah... I thought that this was good! All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said. After that, you just need to edit this up a bit. If you do that, you will have a really great piece of writing here.
Keep writing,
xoxo Rhian
Hey there, I'm here for a review!
My comments are in blue; I highlight in red.
Okay, so overall it's an interesting story. I think you could definitely use some more detail in it so far; it's fairly short, but I don't have a lot to picture. You tend to "tell" and not "show," which is something writers struggle with a lot (including yours truly!). Here's an excellent link about showing vs. telling.
Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions! Keep up the good work.
Hey there.
You're my first review in months, so I'm pretty rusty. Hope it's of some help to you though.
Firstly, this sentence kinda confuses me.
If the predator would not hurt the character or her baby.. Why was she running away from it? You could've wanted to say that the character would not allow the predator to harm her or her baby, but that was not what the sentence meant.
You may want to rephrase this. People can't plunge others to the ground. You can push/slam/throw them to the ground, but if you want to use the word 'plunge', it's normally accompanied by 'into'. (Eg. He plunged the dagger into his victim's chest.)
Might be a mistake on my part, but I don't think this is appropriate.
Babies are in the womb, m'dear.
Haha, I don't think that's an appropriate expression.
Pretty interesting story you have here. Is the being the character was chased by in her dreams a vampire? It seems so, with this sentence:
Well, it's just your first chapter, so I'm looking forward to see how your story will progress.
Keep writing!