All right, if you read this before you will remember what happened after. But since I like to keep my prolouges short sweet and to the point, I revised and edited. Kind of.
I remember that night. The night he loved me. The night our bodies became one. Man and woman as equals. His steamy body pressed tight against mine. We felt inseparable. I felt invincible. Then, I remember what happened next. He shoved me down and glared at me. Had I done something wrong? I eventually find out. Not the way I wanted to though.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well this prologue is definitely on the shorter side of the scale here. I do have to say though while there are in fact prologue that manage to be somehow effective despite being on the very short side, this one doesn't quite fall into that same category. It doesn't nearly do enough in the few words it has to hint at a story here.
That's not to say there isn't anything here. You do have the beginnings of something quite intriguing here and you do manage to paint something of a scene there, its just that things in this particular scenario need a little more to really work as a prologue on its own here. But otherwise, the bit that you do have here does manage to get my interest.]
Overall....we have ourselves an intriguing premise here and the beginning of what could be quite a nice prologue or rather the beginning and the end of a prologue that need a bit of bridging there in the middle for it to properly make sense on its own.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
There should be a comma after Annie
Maybe along with this you can describe her facial expressions and immediate reaction. I feel like its alot of telling and not enough showing.
Calm your thoughts, child!
silky, tan legs
I feel ended ended kind of awkward, but as I re-read it a couple times it seems ok, maybe its just me. I dont know.
Over all I thought you did a good job on emotion and reaction, but it was alot of telling instead of showing. describe the scene like you're in it. Liek this is you. make your main character seem more realistic and personal to the readers.
Other than those few errors this was fantastic and I would greatly appreciate it if you would pm me when you have some more of this up!
-Tiffany