I wander in the night
searching for a sense of light.
A rhyme or reason
for my internal treason.
It all flows
like ribbons and bows.
But there’s a catch in the seam;
an unlikely team.
Do I?
Don’t I?
Why can’t I decide
where my heart resides?
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I have to agree with Jasmine as well. You’re forcing the rhyme scheme and it’s very noticeable.
Sometimes you don’t have to rhyme in a poem. Take for instance this snippet by Emilie Autumn. Actually, it’s a song but it has a poetic quality.
Intelligent girls are more depressed
Because they know
What the world is really like
Don't think for a beat it makes it better
When you sit her down and tell her
Everything gonna be all right
The only rhyming here is between, “play” and “away.” So you can rhyme, but you sure don’t have to. Free verse can give you a lot of extra range as a writer.
I do like the theme though. I mean, you see a lot of love poems but not nearly as many poems about choosing between two loves. Can somebody say 'juicy love triangular gossip'? hehe
Hope my rambling could help, at least a little. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
~lilymoore
Nice poem sweet yet a bit too short.
The title fits the poem great! I'm completely confused lol! However the rhymes where smooth and went well with what you were trying to get across! The flow had minor bumps and was great throughout!
Great work and keep it up!
-Dawn
Hi Kaitelyn Miller,
What amandajo said, albeit with competent grammar.
This may have some kind of imagery and descriptive quality to it (read: basic stuff like comparing something to ribbons, which is still not nearly enough) but I have no idea what you're talking about. A poem isn't simply a spasm to be looked on with surprise and a gut reaction. It must rest on a backbone of some kind of story, whether it be the pondering of an instant, a phenomenon, an event, a feeling, etc.
Right now, all you're telling us is "I'm so confused!". You may as well have left the title like that and deleted all of the words in the actual poem for the good that the words did. Clear up the fog and make at least some semblance of explaining yourself.
Furthermore, the imagery is lackluster at best. For example,
So ribbons flow. Great. The thing about imagery is that it needs to connect to something. You can't just say that it flows like a ribbon, and leave it at that. Make some reach for the heart description later on. Heartstrings pehaps, I don't know. Something.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
i dont know what to say. well all i will say is that it confused me. i dont really get what your really saying.
Hi KaitelynMiller,
I can't really add much to what Jasmine Hart has said, except that I agree: the rhyme comes across as quite forced and your rhythm is choppy, so perhaps you could work on smoothing that out a bit. I've often found it helps to read a poem out loud, so that I can hear where the stresses fall; alternatively, you could try rewriting it as a free verse poem. That would give you a lot more room to expand on your ideas without having to follow a strict rhyme scheme.
Hope that helps. Keep writing!
Cheers,
~bubbles
Hi,
This flows really nicely but I think you're being restricted by the rhyme, for example;
"It all flows
like ribbons and bows.
But there’s a catch in the seam;
an unlikely team."
was a bit forced. I'd try this without the rhyme and go for more visual lines-show, don't tell.
Hope this helps,
Jas