The Tale of Kevin and Priscilla [*edited*]

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This is the story of a selfish but quite average man, and a less-than-average girl with an annoyingly peppy personality. Nice opener! This is one of the few "this is the story of..." lines that I've ever actually liked!


Priscilla was the name of the girl. She was the middle child in a large family of large people. Haha, excellent line. She had a smart, beautiful mother and a robust but strong father. She strongly You've already used "strong"; find a different descriptor. took after her father. Her mother, in shame of how ugly and stupid her daughter turned out to be, pretended Priscilla took after herself instead. I don't understand. If she was ashamed of how ugly her daughter was, why would she pretend that they looked the same? This lead to Priscilla’s upbeat look on life "upbeat outlook and..." and false sense of confidence. Luckily for them, her father was overprotective, and would squash anyone who made fun of her for it. Haha.


And the man’s name was Kevin I'd personally model this after the second paragraph. ("Kevin was the name of the man."), who (as previously stated) was pretty much average at everything he did. And this annoyed the crap out of him. No! Massive, massive tone break! He always was competing to try to impress anyone around him. This never worked, because his brothers were both impressive in just about very aspect of life that Kevin wished he could be. Would this not be all aspects of life? Reword. Give examples. The one thing he did do better than anyone else was playing chess, which is why he always carried a chess board around Strike "around". with him. Just in case he had a chance to show off. A little awkward--reword.


One day, Priscilla was reading a book describing the many different varieties of cheeses, including consistency, texture, color, and smell when her youngest brother came into the room. Well that's random. Edit to "...reading a book that described the..."


He did a handstand. “Whatcha reading?” he asked her, unable to read the cover himself.


“Go away,” she said, totally enthralled by the book.


He tumbled down from his handstand. “Tell me or I’ll complain to Daddy!” he shouted at her. Probably "or I'll tell Daddy!"


She sighed audibly at him. It's rather difficult to sigh inaudibly. Try "She sighed." “I’m reading about the inconsistencies of cheese,” she tried to sound smart, but she wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. Cut the cliche shed thing unless you can find a more original one. Say instead something along the lines of "she tried to sound clever, but this is hard to do when talking about dairy".


“Oh… If I was a cheese, what inconsistency would I be?” he asked. Wouldn't it just be "consistency"?


“You would be melted.” Haha. Maybe "curdled"?


“Oh…” he thought for a minute. Then, finally deciding that this was an insult he yelled, “I’m telling Dad!” and bounced out of the room.


Oh no Italicize thoughts., she thought. Even with her brain capacity, she knew that this was bad. Instead of staying and explaining she had done nothing wrong to her father, she ran outside. "Instead of waiting to explain that she had done nothing wrong, Priscilla ran outside." She hobbled to the other side of the road outside her house. Why is she hobbling? There was a tree there, and securing The Book of Cheeses to herself with her belt, she tried to climb the tree trunk/branches. This was considerably Strike the adverb. difficult for her, because she has "had"--careful of switching tenses. a rear end the size of a hippo, and was wearing clogs her aunt had sent to her from Finland. Not very far up Strike "into" into the tree, she continued to read her book Probably something along the lines of "she fished back out her book" etc., finding out how good Swiss cheese should smell. Maybe not "how good". Find something more clever. "how nutty", "how sharp", "how..."


Two houses down the street, Kevin was playing chess by himself. His brothers wouldn’t play with him, because he would surely win, and they liked to see him loose. Nice. He got bored very soon, and so he Strike "so he". decided to take a walk. Gathering up his chess set, he Kevin left his house and whistled as he strolled down the street. The leaving of the house, whistling, and strolling are too close together. Make another line and give them breathing room.


Priscilla heard whistling, and looked up from her book. She saw a somewhat handsome man walking down the street and whistling. Yeah we know. You told us. Thinking that this was a wonderfully romantic situation, she began to sing along with his whistling. Aw.


Kevin heard a strange noise and stopped whistling abruptly You say "whistling" way too much. Just say he stopped abruptly.. His eyes grew wide as he recognized the sound. An animal somewhere close by must be in excruciating pain, he thought. To make a sound like that, they must really need my help! With that, he started to look around for the dying animal. Very cute.


Seeing her Prince Charming looking for the source of the music she was making, Priscilla got very excited. She started to sing louder, hoping he would follow her beautiful music to the tree. "beautiful voice/song"


Kevin followed the wailing underneath the tree. "to a big oak/pine/poplar tree" He was directly under Priscilla. She took this as the perfect opportunity to jump into his arms, so he could fall instantly in love and they could run away together. And I won’t get in trouble for telling my brother he was melted cheese, she thought before she jumped from the tree. Again, italicize thoughts. And you put Kevin and Priscilla's PoVs too close together. Give him more space in this paragraph and break her to the next.


Not expecting an assault from above, Kevin fell to the ground with Priscilla This is Kevin's PoV and he doesn't know about Priscilla yet. Call her a person, an object, anything else... on top of him, practically crushing his rib cage. “Gah!” he shouted when he looked up to see what had knocked him over and found a rather large butt in his face. Tone break. Describe this differently--this sounds far too childish.


Priscilla tried to crawl off of him, and managed to just wiggle her butt in his face, nudging him in the nose. He squirmed to get away. Again, too childish. Everything else is very sweet and innocent, but this is a fall to cheap bathroom humor.


Just then, The Book of Cheese This was called something else earlier, I think. And you should underline or italicize book titles fell out of the tree, No comma. and landed right on top of Kevin’s head leaving a lump and knocking him out completely. Priscilla managed to climb off of him, and saw what the book had done. She gasped. Not sure what to do with her true love passed out on the ground, she sat down and tried to think of what to do next. Quite obvious. Reword. Not being very smart, it took a while for her to find a solution, but when she did it didn’t take nearly as long to execute it.


She picked him Kevin up and slung him over her shoulder. She planned on taking him home and nurse "nursing"--tense shift. him back to health, so that when he woke up he would remember the time they fell in love, No comma. and it would be a magical moment. Almost like love at first sight again Meaning unclear. "...love at first sight. Twice" "Love at second sight" something else.... She giggled in anticipation of the time he would be awake and shower her with compliments and gifts and the such. "and the such" is not a phrase and not descriptive.


Priscilla was careful to avoid all her family members as she made it to her room with the unconscious boy over her shoulder. I thought he was a man? She placed him on her bed, and waited until he would wake up. She attempted to make herself look prettier by scrunching up her face (trying to make it seem less pudgy) and puffing out her lips (to show him how ready they were for him to kiss). She stayed perfectly I think tjat "very" would be a better modifier. still, so he would have the perfect view of her when he woke up.


When his eyes did finally flutter open, she was in the same exact Strike "exact" position, except that her face was beet red with the effort it took to keep that posture for such a long time. Cute, but I think the line is too long. Cut it in two or clean it up.


“Gah!” he shouted again, this time when he saw her other end. Not partial to this line. It's a little abstract. He pulled away from her as much as was possible with the given space. Too general. Reword. She "Priscilla" didn’t notice.


“Oh darling! You’re awake!” she said too loudly because she was giddy. she said, overloud in her giddiness" except not. But you get the picture--shorten it.


“What happened?” he Kevin asked, bewildered.


“I nursed you back to health!” she practically shouted in her excitement. Too long of a modifier.


“Oh. Well, yes. Thanks for that,” he started to get up to leave, which meant he had to lean in Priscilla’s direction. She thought he was so grateful he was going to kiss her, so she met him a little more than halfway, and planted a big wet one on him.


“Whoa!” he Kevin backed away, like he had before. She didn’t notice that this was a bad reaction. “I don’t even know you!” he shouted, even though he was confused, and rubbed the sore spot on his head.


“You don’t remember when we fell in love?” She pouted.


I’m in love with this creature? he thought miserably. Maybe I just forget because I was unconscious? Priscilla hadn’t been trying to trick him, but in her own way, she managed to do just that. Well, I suppose it’s possible, but he cringed as he thought about it. Italicize thoughts!


“I must have forgotten when I was unconscious,” he mumbled. Delighted, Priscilla leaned in for another kiss, but Kevin dodged it. “No more of that, though!”


Priscilla pouted again, but didn’t have a chance to respond because her father came into the room at that moment. "because, at that moment, her father..." “Daddy!” she cried, taken by surprise. She stood up, No comma. and tried to hide Kevin behind her.


Seeing that large rear end wagging in his face again, Kevin’s memory flooded back to him, and he remembered seeing that same butt wiggling in his face before he got knocked out. Again, I just don't find this funny. He also remembered that he didn’t even know her, let alone love her. He tried to get up to leave again.


Priscilla’s dad father had come in to tell her that her brother was certainly not melted cheese, until he saw Kevin and became overwhelmingly confused. cheese, but then he saw Kevin.


“Who is this?”


“He’s my fiancé, Daddy. We fell in love,” she Priscilla grinned at him.


Her father was delighted. “Well! A son-in-law! That’s wonderful!” He made his way over to Kevin, and shook his hand, practically breaking a bone.


“Well, actually, Kevin stuttered I was just about to go home. You see, I don’t really…” Kevin stuttered, Strike modifier here. but seeing the glare form in her father’s eyes, he trailed off.


“What are you saying?” he P's father boomed. “That My daughter isn’t good enough for you? Is that it?” His grip on Kevin’s hand grew unbearably tight.


“No, no, Sir. That’s not it at all.” He Kevin cringed. “I, uh, love her. Sir.”


He P's father grinned again, beaming at his daughter and his soon to be son-in-law. “Good,” he said, before leaving the room.


He Kevin stayed with Priscilla and her family for two grueling days. She was just so peppy and bad at everything even though she thought she was good at it. The only good thing about this arrangement was that he was better than her at pretty much everything. And winning for once felt good to him. Hahaha Oh wow I love this turn-around.


This, however, didn’t stop him from trying to find a way to escape from that crazy family. So on his third day there, he called for the woodland creatures to come help him. Unfortunately, the only animal that came to his rescue was a chipmunk. Using what he had, he wrote a note to his brothers to come save him from this intolerable woman and her crazy family. I don't understand the call-to-the-wild thing. It's cute, but it doesn't make much sense.


The chipmunk didn’t have far to go; there was only one house between their’s Whose?. But the house that stood in between them was that of a beautiful princess named Muriel. She loved to cause trouble and chaos, so when the eager little chipmunk ran through her yard with the note held I his mouth, she stopped him in his tracks.


“What’s this?” she picked him up by the scruff of his neck and pulled the note out of the chipmunk’s mouth.

(In case you were wondering, the chipmunk’s name was Ralph, and he hated being picked up by the scruff of his neck the way the princess had just then. However, he couldn’t speak to humans. His squeaks were useless to talk to the princess with, but just so you know, the translation was: “I swear that one day, I will disgrace you in the same manner that you have to me this day! I will not rest until you understand the horror of being held very far off the ground by the skin on the back of your neck! It is not a pleasant experience, and since you refuse to put me down, I will one day have my vengeance!” The story of Ralph’s revenge is that of a different day though, so now I will get back to the one at hand.) No, I'm sorry but this just doesn't work. Intro this hatred of neck-scruffs earlier and cut this down to a few lines, and it might. But not as-is.


The princess read the note and had an idea. She put the chipmunk back on the ground and ignored his squeaking as she walked back into her house. She dressed up in a witch costume, and snuck over to the house next door. describe the costume differently. "as an old hag", maybe.


Kevin was inside, watching Priscilla dance and trying not to vomit. The princess snickered to herself. What a wonderfully wicked situation! ...And what interesting shoes that cow has... maybe I'll steal them once I steal her future husband! she thought wickedly. You say wicked too many times.


Kevin excused himself to the bathroom "to break his private torture" for a break from his own personal torture, and the “witch” took this opportunity to strike. She climbed in through the bathroom window, startling Kevin. “Who are you!?” he whispered. Say princess, not witch.


“I am a witch, and I’ve come here to either rescue you or to send you to your own personal hell!” she added a wicked laugh to make it seem more realistic. Again, cut back on the "wicked" use.


“What do I have to do?” he whispered, desperate.


“You have to beat me at one game. Your choice of what game; if you win I will help you escape from here…but if you loose…” she trailed her long fingernail along the window sill menacingly. “You will have to go through with the marriage, and live with Priscilla for the rest of your life!” she grinned darkly. She didn't have the power to actually force him to do this, but she wanted to make him think she did. The game thing seems to perfect. You need a riddle so that he tricks her into the game, and she figures it's not a bad idea. Or just have him suggest it or something.


“You are on,” he demanded, surprising her with his confidence. That's not really a demand, now is it? "You're on," he said, surprising...


“What game?” she asked him. Leave it at "asked" as it's obvious who she's asking.


“Chess,” he answered before she had finished the question. He was sure he could beat her. He was surely the best at chess, even if he was only adequate at everything else. We know, don't repeat it.

This would work better thus:
She frowned. "Well then," she said. "What--"
"Chess."
He pulled...



He pulled out the set that he always kept with him, and set it up Where? Say that it was balanced on the toilet back or something. . He even let the princess make the first move. They both calculated each move carefully before they even put a hand on any given piece. Reword. After about ten or fifteen minutes, they heard a knock on the door, and they both jumped.


“Kevy?” they heard Priscilla ask, a little worried. The princess snickered. Kevin’s face flushed.


“Yeah?”


“Are you ok?” "okay"


“Yeah. Just, uh…” he tried to think fast. “I’m just a little, uh, backed up.” He cringed at his own use of terms. No. Find a different excuse. You're trying too hard to be funny here.


“Oh. Okay. Well, let me know if you need anything! Like extra toilet paper or something!” Then they heard her clack away in her wooden clogs. "They heard her wooden clogs clack down the hall."


Kevin had the game almost won. He had the princess in check, and it was his turn. She hadn’t seen that possible move, and he was about to take her king when he considered what he really wanted.


Priscilla was stupid, ugly, and annoying. But when he was around her, he was like a king. Everything he did was considered interesting and impressive. Plus, he supposed she had grown on him somewhat, and even though the thought of kissing her again made him gag, he didn’t want to never see her again. Strike somewhat and rephrase "didn't want to never see her again"


He made his decision. Kevin didn’t take her king. Instead, he left his open for attack, and she took it the next turn with a triumphant “Aha!” "Kevin made up his mind. He didn't take the king. Instead he left his own open for attack, and the princess..."


He pretended to feel defeated, as she cried, “Now you must marry that monster, and live with it her for your entire life!”


The way the princess was making fun of Priscilla annoyed him Kevin. (strike "greatly") He gritted his teeth but... greatly, and he gritted his teeth at her, but couldn't say anything or she would know he lost on purpose. She left with a flick of her cape out the window. Why does it matter? Put in a clause where he absolutely has to leave if he wins. Wouldn't the princess be happy to have him stay, whether or not he's totally miserable?


Kevin went back to the room, and watched Priscilla dace with her clogs from Finland, with a newfound respect for her. Cut "with a new-found respect for her". Add instead a new line saying something like "For once, he was happy that..." or "He found that he didn't even mind it so much."


Kevin and Priscilla eventually got married, and he didn’t even gag when the priest told him to kiss his bride. Cute!

The end.
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You have a good handle of technique and a well-developed voice. Some of the humor was shaky, but it's very well-written over all. I really enjoyed it! Let me know if you ever want another crit.

But now my eyes hurt from staring at the computer for so long, haha. I need to go to sleep...

PM me with any questions!

Avens