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Young Writers Society



I Promise, But I Lie (1)

by KailaMarie


The guy in front of me leaned back again, bumping into my knees. I looked over at Bailey and rolled my eyes. She leaned her foot over and nudged his back, swiftly looking away as if she wasn’t any part of this. I smacked her arm, but it was too late, the guy turned around, and smiled wickedly at us, me.

“So it worked, then,” he whispered. We were at a movie outside in the park. They project the movie on the huge brick wall of town hall and everyone sits on the grass. The only problem is that it gets really crowded, so it’s annoying when people like this guy take up more space than they should.

“What did?” I whispered back, disliking him already. He looked a little older than me. His skin was a deep chocolate, and he had a nice face, really handsome. He wore an open button-down shirt and plain jeans. He looked pretty muscular. And although I didn’t like him on principle, something about the way he carried himself made me hope he like me anyway.

Not that I would fall for some guy just like that.

“I got your attention.”

“Uhm, yeah. Congratulations. Just keep your back to yourself.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you look like Naomi Fieldman?”

“Yeah,” I said shortly. It wasn’t a big secret she was my mom.

“Are you-” he began, then smiled. “You’re Sam Dwyer, aren’t you?”

I smiled wryly. “Have you seen me in your little Seventeen magazine? That’s so sweet. I’ll sign it for you after the movie, if you want.”

The guy turned back around with a sour look on his face. I turned my attention back to the movie. It was an indie film about this guy who wanted to make a movie, so he secretly taped people he found, editing it and turning it into a movie. It was really creative.

I loved every part of movies. The script, casting, the blocking, taping, editing, the vision.

The guy in front of me coughed and I looked at the back of his head. I didn’t know how he knew who I was. I mean, people tell me I look like my mom all the time, but usually people don’t know my name. I mean, I’m not in magazines or anything like that. I was just trying to shut him up.

He nudged the guy sitting next to him, who turned around and smiled at Bailey. She smiled back. He was definitely her type¾messy mousey hair, thin black rimmed glasses, a white tee shirt that was sort of tight and had some Big Foot on it or something, worn-in jeans, and red Converse All-star shoes. She loved red shoes. He crawled next to her, and whispered a few things in her ear. She giggled and leaned her head on his shoulder.

Next thing I know, they were cuddling and whispering and giggling so loudly that I moved ahead of them just to hear the movie. I towed my five ton purse with me. I always carry books around.

I didn’t forget that other guy was there.

I just didn’t care.

I wanted to see the movie.

Anyway, the second I moved up, I saw him glance over at me and smile. I ignored him and focused on the movie. He inched closer, putting his arm around me.

My head whipped around.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m making a move,” he grinned.

“Well, don’t.” I pushed his arm off me, and inched away, but there wasn’t much space to move. On the other side of me was a rather robust woman wearing a lime green dress. I wondered where one could get such a large lime green dress. But there wasn’t much space between me and her, and I didn’t want to encroach on anyone’s personal space. Not that it mattered much to this guy.

About ten minutes went by where he didn’t say anything else, so I thought I was safe and clear. But then he inched closer again and leaned towards my ear.

“What if I told you I was from the future, and we fall in love and get married there.”

I sighed and turned towards him. His face was closer to mine than I’d have liked, but there wasn’t much place for me to go, so I stood my ground.

“I would say that you probably saw that I have The Time Traveler’s Wife in my purse, and you saw the movie, so you’re trying to use that to better the chances of getting me into bed.”

“Actually, I read the book.”

“Wow. A reader. What a catch.”

He just grinned and reached over to put his hand on my leg. Why won’t he take no for an answer? I took his hand and was going to shove it up his butt, but he intertwined his fingers with mine.

“Gotcha.”

“Why won’t you give up?”

“Because.”

I rolled my eyes. “How about I’ll let you hold my hand for the rest of the movie, if you let me watch it.”

“How about,” he amended, “You let me take you on a date, and I’ll let you watch the rest of the movie.”

“You can’t just hold my hand?”

“Well, that too. I want both. And you have to be open-minded on the date.”

“I’m always open-minded!” I defended immediately. He looked at me skeptically. I narrowed my eyes. “I don’t even know you.”

“Hello, I’m Evan Reznik. Nice to meet you.”

“How do I know you’re not a murderer or something?”

“I can promise you that I’ve never murdered anyone.”

“What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” I challenged.

“Lied.” He smiled. “Especially about being a murderer when I’m trying to woo a lady.”

I smirked, and turned my attention to the movie. Later, when he let go of my hand and put his arm around me, I let him. I even leaned into his chest a little. But don’t tell anyone.


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Sat Aug 08, 2009 12:11 am
EllyMelly wrote a review...



Good Evening, KailaMarie.

This was short and sweet and really cute. And I really liked it.

I didn't particularly find any grammar mistakes, I was rather engrossed into this. It's was so good. (and I know this is a pointless review)

I'm glad there's a second chapter, because I'm going to read it soon. :D

Melly

- Sorry, for this pointless review...




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Tue Aug 04, 2009 3:50 am
LovexPeacexRandomx3 wrote a review...



KailaMarie wrote:Um, yeah. Congratulations. Just keep your back to yourself.”


Yes, I know, it's just a spelling error xD.


KailaMarie wrote:Later, when he let go of my hand and put his arm around me, I let him. I even leaned into his chest. But don’t tell anyone.


It seems like your rushing things here. Correct me if I'm wrong, though. It just seems like they're falling in love right away. Slow things down?


Aside from that, it was pretty good. I would read the next part. :)




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Tue Aug 04, 2009 3:25 am
angel.e wrote a review...



I thought it was pretty good. But I found that she let him get away with it too easily. Personally if I was her, I would slap him and probably leave because she hardly knows him and then randomly have him do all that stuff is kinda weird. But thats my personal opinion. I like where it's going though. I am going to read more of it for sure but I just found that it didn't go very smoothly in some parts. Keep it up!




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Sat Aug 01, 2009 2:47 am
ashleylee wrote a review...



“So it worked, then,” he whispered. We were at a movie outside in the park. They project the movie on the huge brick wall of town hall. The only problem is that it gets really crowded, so it’s annoying when people like this guy take up way more space than they should.


I kind of wish you would have described the movie thing more. It seems like a really cool idea but I feel, as readers, we only got to see a tiny piece of what it really is so I would expand on it, explore new ways to show us what it looks like.

“What did?” I whispered back, disliking him already. Plus he looked way older than me. His skin was a deep chocolate, and he had a nice face, really handsome. He wore an open button-down shirt and plain jeans. He looked pretty muscular. And something about him made me want to impress him.


First she says she dislikes him and then wants to impress him? You contradict yourself right here. I would make her thoughts more clear on that or the reader will just be confused :?


She loves red shoes.


Should be "loved" instead of "loves" here.


“What if I told you I was from the future, and I know we get married. Let’s just skip the part where you don’t like me for no reason.”


This would have been such a cute part in your story, but the way he says this is just... awkward, really. I think you need to try some rewording, get his personality across in this. He seems very clever and smart-alecy so try some different things. Maybe try: "What if I told you that I was from the future and that we'll be married and have tons of kids and live in a big house? Would you then ignore the fact that you don't like me for no reason at all?" or something like this. This is completely your own story so you can do it any way you want :wink:


“How do I know you’re not some sort of murderer or something?”


'Murderer' doesn't really fit here. How about 'sex-offender' or 'child molester' just to make a bigger point :P

Later, when he let go of my hand and put his arm around me, I let him. I even leaned into his chest. But don’t tell anyone.


Nice ending but I think this came too fast. Maybe have a little more interaction between them before ending this. Just a thought :D

~ ~ ~ ~

Okay, for the overall effect, I think you did well. I mean, you had all the things for a good story but I feel some things were missing.

To start with, we really only get a glimpse into this girls life: she seems to have a famous mother, she seems used to people walking up to her in the street, and she seems to have a very uptight personality. However, you never really elaborate further beyond that. It would be cool to have her think about walking the red carpet with her mom the following night or pondering more about why the guy knew her name.

Next, this guy is kind of pushy for making a move. I mean, if a guy ever put his hand on my knee before I even knew his name, there would be some butt kicking involved :P lol But seriously, I would go into more detail with what's going on in her mind and his mind and kind of connect the reader to all this.

Otherwise, I felt you did well. It was cute and different so I owe you a gold star for that :D




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Fri Jul 31, 2009 10:16 pm
pudin.junidf wrote a review...



I liked it!! it was somehow new and different, it made me laugh. I liked the sarcasm you used for your character.

What if I told you I was from the future, and I know we get married. Let’s just skip the part where you don’t like me for no reason.”


I sighed and turned towards him. His face was closer to mine than I’d have liked, but there wasn’t much place for me to go, so I stood my ground.


“I would say that you probably saw that I have The Time Traveler’s Wife in my purse, and you saw the movie, so you’re trying to use that to better the chances of getting me into bed.”


“Actually, I read the book.”


“Wow. A reader. What a catch.”

This is part made me laugh. He's so persistent an she's so annoyed by him. I'd like to know more about the story. I have to say that the begining didn't convinve me that much, but it's still good.

I smacked her arm, but it was too late, the guy turned around, and smiled wickedly at us¾me.

Something else, I'd recommend you to use put the fraction in words and not numbers.So please tell me if there's more to come from this story
pd. I'd like to know if she went on the date with him lol




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Fri Jul 31, 2009 9:16 pm
bElL3 wrote a review...



The guy turned back around with a sour look on his face. I turned my attention back to the movie. It was an indie film about this guy who wanted to make a movie, so he secretly taped people he found, editing it and turning it into a movie. It was really interesting. Especially since I was going to school to be a director. I loved every part of movies. The script, casting, the blocking, taping, editing, the vision.

I looked at the back of the guy’s head. I didn’t know how he knew who I was. People tell me I look like my mom all the time, but usually people don’t know my name. I mean, I’m not in magazines or anything like that. I was just trying to shut him up.

The guy turned back around with a sour look on his face.these are two sentences that begin exactly the same, and i thought it was a but redundant He nudged the guy sitting next to him, who turned around and smiled at Bailey. She smiled back. He was definitely her type¾messy mousey hair, thin black rimmed glasses, a white tee shirt that was sort of tight and had some Big Foot on it or something, worn-in jeans, and red Converse All-star shoes. She loves red shoes. He crawled next to her, and whispered a few things in her ear. She giggled and leaned her head on his shoulder.


Other than that I loved the story and the concept. It's really cute and a great start! Happy writing!

~Frankie Belle~




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Fri Jul 31, 2009 7:30 pm
Dark Eyed Pixie wrote a review...



I like his persistance and her annoyance, although if some random guy put his hand on my leg I would slap him. That's just me though :D


“How do I know you’re not some sort of murderer or something?”

“I’ve never murdered anyone.”

“What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” I challenged.

“Lied.” He smiled. “Especially about being a murderer when I’m trying to woo a lady.”

This made me laugh :)

Anyhoo, if you get the urge to post more (and I seriously hope you do) PM me and let me know
xxxx




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Fri Jul 31, 2009 3:15 pm
jessie2009 wrote a review...



I love it!! But I would like to know more details about the girl, and her name. But this is great, I think you should write more and post it, but if you dont then I'll NEVER know if they went on a date or not. Why wouldnt you post it? Well, if you decide to write more,(which I hope you do=]) then please tell me! And your a great writer!!


--Jessie





"My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places."
— A.A. Milne